Second Annual

HILLEL DAY SCHOOL

Jewish Life On Mars?
Don't Even Ask

GARY ROSENBLATT SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH NEWS

The pleasure of -your company is requested
at Hillel Day School of Metropolitan Detroit's

SECOND ANNUAL GOLF GAMIC

benefitting the educational programs at Hillel

Tuesday, September 16, 1997

Hamilton-Miller • Imperial Sports • The Vitamin Outlet
The Henrietta & Alvin Weisberg Foundation
Steven Schlafer & Prudential Securities of West Bloomfield

*as of 7/28

Absolute Acceptance Financial
Etkin Equities, Inc.
Equifax

Futuristic Furnishings

Gordon, Goodman & Acker
LaKritz-Weber & Co.

Linwood Pipe & Supply

Uomo Vogue, Inc.

Maddin, Hauser, Wartell, Roth,
Heller & Pesses, P.C.

Mail Boxes Etc. - Sharon Sefton

Management Supply

Michigan Surgical Associates, P.C.
Say-On Drugs
Jane & Larry Sherman

Unique Restaurant Corporation

*as of 8/14

Chaamert

Chaawomai-1,

Allan Sefton • Steve Schlafer

Yolette Jaffe

Carmnitte&

Jerry Byer
Larry Charlupski
Jenny Dorfman
Jack Friedman
Lori Garon

Art Indianer
David Kastan
Robert Kimmel
Steve Margolin
Michael Martin

Barry Moss
Judy Rapp
Cheryl Schanes
Steve Schanes
Julie Weisberg Schlafer

Melvin Schwartz
Larry Sherman
Marty Waldman
Sanford Weber

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I

n a stunning development, the discovered that blending Jewish
newspaper has learned that law and modernity just doesn't
there is life on Man — but not work on earth, and we're always
the kind that had been antic- looking for new venues," ex-
ipated.
plained Rabbi Izmore Sources.
The first indication, based on
"Aside from the theological
last month's United States space challenges," he said, "there's the
mission, came recently when the question of whether Bingo can
small roving vehicle called So- sustain us outside of the pull of
journer spotted a sign on the the earth's atmosphere."
rocky terrain of the Red Planet
The rabbi complained bitterly
that read, "Welcome To Chabad of financial competition from the
House — Bring Moshiach Now." United Jewish Appeal-Inter-
The sign, in English, thrilled planetary Division, which has
and confused NASA scientists been scouring Mars via satellite
back in Houston, who had no idea in search of potential donors.
what it meant. Only after thor-
Stephen Solomon, the chief ex-
ough research did they learn that ecutive of the charity, acknowl-
it revealed the presence of a ded- edged that highly motivated
icated and particularly hearty fund-raisers have been active
group of Lubavitch Chasidim, throughout the galaxy for sever-
known for their tireless efforts to al light years. "We've determined
reach Jews in the most remote through a Strategic Planet Plan
regions, urging them to perform that our most compelling mar-
mitzvot.
keting strategy is
"We've been here
rescue," he said. ',7\
for some time now
"The trouble is we
doing our work,"
haven't found any-
said a cheerful Rab-
one out there to
bi Lou Steinwalker,
save."
captain of the space-
That's been a
ship "Enterprise
problem, as well, for
770," in an exclusive
Abraham Loxsmith
phone interview. "It
of the Anti-Defama-
was a long trip," he
tion League. "We
noted, "but not as
are prepared to
much traffic as in
open a major
Brooklyn. And no
branch on Mars,
tolls."
and we've already
When asked how
ordered the press
long he had been on Mars and releases and fax paper. But so far,
how he got there, he said only, no one has defamed us."
"where there's a will, there's a
Loxsmith is considering
way." He then excused himself, whether the lack of defamation
explaining that it was time for may be due to a form of active,
_ prayer and he was looking for a even hostile, disinterest in Jews
minyan.
that qualifies as anti-Semitism.
In a subsequent phone call, the
All this sudden interest among
rabbi noted that in recent days Jews about Mars has motivated
another synagogue has been Malcolm Phoneline to form a new
formed on Mars — a Reform con- umbrella group, the Conference
gregation that he would not se t of Presidents of Major Martian
foot in.
Jewish Organizations. He said
Following up on that informa - the group has already received
tion, it was learned that Rabb i several calls from anonymous
Uri Negev, a Reform leader in Is- rabbis inquiring as to whether
rael, has indeed formed a con- there were any Pell grants avail-
gregation on the distant planet. able on Mars.
Contacted by phone, he said that
Meanwhile, a number of
when he had met secretly with kosher-for-Passover tours have
the chief rabbis of Israel in scouted out the Red Planet as a
Jerusalem recently, they told him unique alternative to places like
that if Reform Jews wanted to Palm Springs and Hawaii for jad-
pray in peace, they should go to ed holiday vacationers. "We'd
Mars.
seen a sudden interest among
"So we did," said Rabbi Negev,
clients to spend next Pesach in
"and no one has bothered us, ex- Roswell, New Mexico," said one
cept the local Conservative con- tour operator. "But Mars will be
gregation that keeps trying to great. There's no chance of rain
borrow our membership list."
— or of bumping into relatives."
A Conservative congregation
He noted that Rabbi Orson
on Mars? Yes, it is true, ac- Veils has been hired to conduct
knowledged a leader of the Jew- the seders.
ish Theological Seminary. "We New York Jewish Week

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