PHOTOS BY DANIEL LIPPITT

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dream for and never expect to
happen. It was wonderful. They
respected my opinions, and we
never argued," she says.
In many families, money is a
potent symbol. "Giving money is
an important way of expressing
love," Diafnant writes. "A parent's
refusal to pick up the tab for his
child's wedding celebration is a
powerful statement of disap-
proval. Likewise, refusing a par-
ent's offer to pay can represent
rejection."
Money also determines control
and it's likely that when families
contribute, they expect to be able
to call the shots.
In the observant community,

Top: Haarold Bellcrest: Parents are
increasingly sharing costs.

Above left: Anaruth Bernard:
"Throwing a wedding is one of the
most wonderful things you ever get
to do."

PHOTO BY GLENN TRIEST

"It's a very delicate subject, and
I have not come up with a gra-
cious way to ask the groom's par-
ents to participate," Hoffman says.
"You don't want to offend any-
body, but the bride's parents don't
want to be in a position where
they have too many guests com-
ing and are overextended and
can't afford it."
Establishing who pays for what
is one of the most common caus-
es for conflict within and between
families, according to Anita Dia-
mant, author of The New Jewish
Wedding. The two families com-
ing together bring different his-
tories, customs and expectations
about what a wedding should be.
0111
With emotions running high,
the slightest misunderstanding
can be blown out of proportion.
If money squabbles start to
damper the affair, Diamant sug-
gests setting up a meeting with
the rabbi or a family counselor to
help iron out the kinks.
"You are taking two families
who hardly know each other, and
they have to discuss one of the
most taboo subjects in America —
money," says Anaruth Bernard,
whose four children are married.
She and husband Henri gave all
three of their daughters' wed-
dings.
"One ofour daughters married
a guy from out of town and his
family wasn't bringing a lot
of people, so I didn't feel
right asking them to pay for
things. They offered, but I
didn't feel comfortable, so
we agreed for them to pay
for the lunch after the
aufruf," she says.
For Bernard's other two
daughters, her future ma-
chetunim took care of the
Shabbat dinners the night
before the weddings.
0.""It is easier when one
family puts on the wedding,
but you have to have re-
spect for the other family
and make them feel in-
cluded," says Bernard. "I
hear stories where the
groom's family offers to pay
for the band, but then they
don't get to choose the band so it's
open-ended in terms of cost."
When Barbara Gutman's son
Rob got engaged, he and his fi-
ancee, Debra, decided to throw the
wedding themselves — partly be-
cause Debra's family didn't have
the financial ability to give a wed-
ding. Gutman and her husband
Steve decided to help the couple.
"I knew even though Debra
made a good living, there was no
way they could save enough to
make the kind of wedding they
wanted," she says. Because the
couple lives out of town., Gutman
was asked to make all the
arrangements. "As the mother of
the son, it's something you always

Above: Harriet Friedman: "With
gentile weddings, the couple pays
more than the parents."

Left: Rabbi Avraham Jacobovitz:
Lack of finances doesn't have to keep
a couple from having a proper

simcha.

generally the bride's parents
pay for the wedding itself, but
the tab for trimmings such as
pictures, flowers, alcohol, chup-
pah and the ring goes to the
groom's side, according to Rab-
bi Avraham Jacobovitz, who
married off his daughter,
Yocheved, on July 2.
"We are blessed both sides
get along. Neither they nor we
are well-to-do financially. They
did their share and we did our
share, and there were no de-
mands on us," he says.
But lack of finances doesn't
have to keep a couple from
having a proper simcha, says
Rabbi Jacobovitz.
"In our community we have
very special people. In cases
where some families can't af-
ford a wedding, we come to-
gether and help organize it in
a very dignified way," he says.
Openly discussing wedding fi-
nances, to determine who spends
what, can take the guesswork out
of how things will get done, says
Bellcrest. Without communica-
tion, problems that arise during
planning can carry over. •
"The rest of the couple's life
could really be influenced by all
the payment issues that come
up during the wedding. The pol-
itics can be terrible," Bellcrest
says. •
But tension can be avoided,
says Bernard, if more attention
is paid to the bride and groom. ❑