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YOUR FITTING SOLUTION

1.•

Jewish Life In My 20s

Mixed religion relationships have a long, winding road to follow
and sometimes you can get lost.

Each American subgroup other Jews. It's like they're say-
has fascinating qualities of ing, "well, at least my family
community and tradition. I love will be Jewish for one more
to read about American Indi- generation."
That day, the day I realized
ans and blacks and Irish
Catholics. I am proud to count I couldn't not be Jewish, I de-
some among my best friends. tided I had to figure out what
As friends, we can appreciate being Jewish means to me --
and respect each other's indi- before I fall in love again, and
viduality, without really hav- way before I have children.
So I taught Sunday school for
ing to confront the differences.
A romantic relationship is an- a year at a Reform temple in
Kensington, Md. During that
other story.
But I now say "don't do it," course, I had to "teach" my
because once you fall in love, ninth-grade students--half of
whom came from
it's hard to be ob-
intermarried faith-
jective. Or realistic.
lies — about inter-
Or honest with
dating.
yourself. Love is
All I could tell
blinding.
them was to know
He and I agreed
what they believe
that if our rela-
before falling in
tionship were to
love.
Such easy ad-
get to that elusive
vice, so hard to fol-
thing called "more
low.
serious," we'd have
When I was dat-
to pick one reli-
ing the Catholic
gion. Since he
guy, I sometimes
seemed to have lit-
tle interest in Ju- MINE. MERED1111 COHN had visions of these
children we would
STAFF WRITER
claim (he looked
one day have. I saw
at Christianity as
us living in a coun-
"Judaism plus"), it
was up to me to leave my reli- try-style house on the East
Coast, with fields to run in
gious identity behind for his.
In the end, obviously, I just reaching out behind our prop-
couldn't do that. I couldn't not erty.
Inside, the house smelled of
be Jewish. But I admit that I
baking cookies, roasting meat,
considered it.
I came to this realization drying laundry. I would be writ-
while I was living in New York ing at an antique-style rolltop
City. It was a blizzardy Janu- desk in my office. Then I saw
ary day, Martin Luther King across the hall, a black cross
Jr. weekend of 1994: The last nailed to the wall. Like in my
time I had seen my family, my ex's parents' house.
I remember telling him one
mother pressed a $10 bill in
my hand and said, "I know day senior year, that I didn't
movies are expensive in New want crosses or other Christian
York. Please see Schindler's symbols in my house. I can do
everything else, I told him, just
List."
So I did. In fact, I saw it with nothing overtly Christian
But if I were to marry him
a non-Jewish friend, and I cried
like floodgates had opened on and raise my children in a non-
a rising river. My friend sat Jewish environment, why
helpless beside me, at the wouldn't I be comfortable with
movie and in the cab home, un- non-Jewish symbols, he asked?
Good point All I could think
certain how he could help me,
to say was that it would kill my
if at all.
He couldn't. Although he parents.
eau
doesn't have the abili-
Interdating is not an easy tried, he did not understand ty Love
to conquer everything, no
topic. Saying "don't do it" brings what I was feeling.
I got home and called my matter what you think. I may
out defensiveness in people be-
cause there is nothing unlov- mother, the tears still flowing. be unpopular for writing these
able about gentiles. That's the "I'm sorry, I said. She a words, but I believe them.
whole problem — we live in a no idea what I was talking Judaism is something I hold
close, like a bunch of freshly
proverbial melting pot of a about
picked flowers tightly in
"I
will
always
be
Jewish."
country, where we encounter
my closed palm. I know now
Fm
sure
my
mother
breathed
individuals from various eth-
if I unfold my fingers,
nicities, races and religions who the same sigh of relief that all that
are as wonderful as those in the Jewish parents let out when the flowers will fall to the
their children fall in love with ground. 0
fold.

hen I joined the Jew-
,ish community Cen-
ter's health club two
weeks ago, the sign-up
form had an "optional" question:
are you Orthodox, Conservative
or Reform, and where, if at all,
are you affiliated?
Seeing the "optional" mark-
ing, I thought "Hmmm, maybe
I won't check off any box." But
then, I figured, this is the Jew-
ish center, and perhaps demo-
graphic information would be
helpful. After all, I am a jour-
nalist, and often in search of vi-
able stats.
Before, I .knew it, my pen
checked off the "Orthodox" box.
i'm not Orthodox, at least not
yet. But neither am I Reform
nor Conservative. And while
rye been meaning to join a syn-
agogue, I remain unaffiliated.
It's funny how things
change.
Five years ago, I was dating
a Catholic man. For two and a
half years, we professed our
love for each other, broke up
and got back together. We
agreed that if the relationship
got too serious, we would have
to confront the religion issue.
We confronted it even before it
got to that point
We agreed that a couple can
share two different religions,
observe them separately and
learn about each other without
that encroached-upon feeling.
But we also agreed that a
couple who wants to get mar-
ried and raise children togeth
er cannot create a family in two
conflicting religions. At least
not without massive confusion
for the children.
So we were stuck. In love
and uncertain. Our back
grounds weren't really that dif-
ferent -- both of our families
prized education, family, good,
clean living. My parents and
his are self-starters, motivat-
ed, hard-working.
It was like we were from the
same background, only differ-

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