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Still, she says "it's not uncom-
mon for our contemporaries to be
helping their kids, especially
those who live out of town."
"Naturally, when you see your
child every day, you're more
closely connected. When they're
away at school, you don't know
what time they're coming and go-
ing, but when they have to open
your door to get from the garage,
you know they're there. I've made
a concerted effort to not put any
rules on Sheri because she's an
adult. We really enjoy each oth-
er, so having her close by is won-
derful."
The younger Lee agrees, but
she says she has lost a sense of
privacy. And living in someone
else's house means you have to
abide by their way of living — in
terms of cleanliness and home
and pet care.
"My parents have certain ways
that they like to keep their
house," says Lee. "I don't believe
in closets, put my coat down
wherever I want to, and it's
things like that, after living on
your own and having your own
place, [you must] remember
you're sharing space with them
and have to respect their space."
Another negative is having
possessions packed away for the
duration of the homestay. "Most
items have been packed in boxes
for two years; I don't even re-
member what I have anymore,"
she says.
Also, living at home poses
problems for those young adults
who are in serious relationships.
If you want to sleep at a signifi-
cant other's, you are basically ad-
mitting that you are sexually
involved.
For Lee, such sleeping
arrangements have not been a
problem. "When I was in a rela-
tionship, it was very easy for me
to say Tm not coming home.' My
parents ... trust me and know I'm
not going to go out and do any-
thing crazy."
Allyson Cohen moved back to
her parents after she had already
become engaged, so sleeping out
was not an issue. At that point,
"my parents didn't mind if I slept
at Doug's or if Doug slept at my
house," she recalls;
The U-M study found that one-
third of the people who left to live
with a lover came home to Mom
and Dad within five years of leav-
ing. It also showed that more
than half of those who left to live
with roommates returned to their
parents' house.
A subsequent survey under-
taken by Frances and Calvin
goldscheider showed that Jewish
young adults are more likely to
leave home for college than gen-
tile peers, but stay at home
longer if college is not a way out.
Living on one's own in early

adulthood often delays marriage,
the later study found. Doing so
prompts individuals to develop
less traditional attitudes about
marriage and family life, it
showed.
Frances Goldscheider, demog-
rapher and professor of sociology
at Brown University, says the
biggest difference between this
generation and earlier ones is
that young adults are waiting
longer to get married.
"In the '60s, women were get-
ting married at age 20, didn't live
with parents," she says. "Now,
they're getting married at 25, 26,
27, so they're doing what un-
married young adults have al-
ways done."

Jewish parents
expect their kids
to move out more
than non-Jewish
parents do.

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And the skyrocketing costs of
independent living don't help.
"Money is a big question," says
Professor Goldscheider. "It's hard
to construct a stable and inde-
pendent adult lifestyle — espe-
cially if you think it should be
really nice. I think that there's
too much pressure on young
adults to live separately. I hear
people boasting about how their
24-year-old is managing on his
own and he's spending half of his
money on rent, money that could
go to his down payment, some-
where besides this very expen-
sive image of independence."
Matt Berman, a 25-year-old
lawyer from Farmington Hills,
lived away from home for seven
years, during college and law
school. After law school, he land-
ed a job that included a lot of
travel. He didn't think it made
sense to get his own place, so he
moved home.
The best thing about living at
home again, says Berman, is that
"I get to see my [14-year-old]
brother all the time. I haven't
seen him for three years, so that's
great."
The stocked fridge, clean house
and money in the bank are all
bonuses, he said, but 'lust kind
of like side benefits."
"It's not really that awkward.
The only thing that you can't do
that you could do before is sit
around and do nothing. That's
hard to do now."
In the fall, Berman will leave
Michigan once again for a mas-
ter in law program at New York
University. Living at home, he
says, is easier when you know it
is only temporary. "If it was open-

ended, it would be a lot more dif-
ficult."
According to the Goldscheider
study, Jewish parents place
greater importance than others
on children's "autonomy."
In the 1980s, Jewish young
adults lived away from home
more than any other group of
white Americans, the study
found. And Jewish parents ex-
pect their kids to move out more
than non-Jewish parents do.
Ilan Stollman, 29, grew up in
Oak Park. She now lives in Hobo-
ken, N.J. In the years before she
left the state, Stollman moved
back and forth between her own
pad and her parents' place.
"My parents are pretty easy-
going, but my mom worries ter-
ribly," she says. "When I don't live
with them, they're not worried
because they don't know what's
happening. But when I lived with
them, my mom would be worried
about me driving from my house
to a friend's house in Oak Park
at night, that the car could break
down en route, and I'd be strand-
ed.
`That was probably the most
frustrating part of living at home
— trying to get my mom to not
worry about me. That would
mainly be the reason for our ar-
guing."
Some young adults are em-
barrassed to admit that they still
live at home.
"It depends on the situation,"
says Stollman. "I would be em-
barrassed to live at home now
with my parents, if I didn't have
a plan that I was working to-
wards. Before I moved to New
York, I had to move back in with
my parents for half a year to save
money, so I didn't feel embar-
rassed because I had a goal."
Cohen agrees. "I think once
you pass 26 or 27 or so, closer to
30, I think there's a social stigma
associated with it — you're either
a daddy's girl or a mama's boy."
The Goldscheider study
showed that among Jews, "the
overwhelming reason young
adults leave home at an early
age is to go to college. But other
than for college, Jews stayed
home longer than gentile young
adults.
Between sons and daughters,
the study showed that boys leave
home for school and independent
living faster, while girls go for
marriage more than boys.
Few of Lee's friends still live
at home. And her younger broth-
er, who moved back in August of
1996, found his own apartment
"within three days" of returning.
"If people understand the sit-
uation, then it's less embarrass-
ing," says Lee. "But to just hear,
`Oh, you're living with your par-
ents,' I don't think it's something
to be proud of."

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