ICE ON ICE

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The Rabbinic Scene

Kiddushin, or the state of Jewish holiness under the chuppah,
can be insured by establishing a dating ethic as early as possible.

MICHELE FAUDEM SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH NEWS

E

very year, Hillel Day
School's graduation cere-
mony begins with gradu-
ating students marching
underneath a chuppah (wedding
canopy). This is to reinforce the
idea that as they grow up, (we
hope) the students will take with
them their knowledge of, and
commitment to, Jewish life:And
that one day, we will meet these
children again, under a differ-
ent chuppah, the one that will
`- celebrate their marriage and the
creation of another Bayit
Ne'eman BYismel (delight-
ful Jewish home).
Today, dating begins as
early as middle school. By
high school, people have de-
veloped meaningful rela-
tionships with individuals
who become integral to
their lives.
\-- And while true that a
very small percentage of
people actually marry their
high school sweethearts, it
is important to establish a
dating ethic before dating
even begins.
It is a mistake to assume
that any relationship will
be short-tei-in. Whether you
think you're ready for mar-
riage or not, you never
/--
know what will ensue.
There is a mishnah in the
tractate of Pirkei Avot
(Ethics of our Fathers),
which responds to the need
for establishing a dating
ethic: "Run to [the fulfill-
ment of even} a minor mitzvah
as [you would to fulfill] a major
one i and flee from transgres-
,..._
-' sign, for one mitzvah leads to
another mitzvah, and one
transgression leads to another
transgression.
"'Me reward for doing a mitz-
vah is another mitzvah and the
reward for doing one trans-
gression is another transgres-
sion."
Rabbi Joel Wasser, in his book
We Are Family, suggests that de-
veloping a dating ethic is one way
to address issues of interdating
and intermarriage. Rabbi Wass-
er cites this mishriali in his book
-- his purpose is not to comment
on whether dating one person is
a mitzvah and another'a trans-
gression, but rather to reinforce
the importance of establishing
that dating ethic.

Michele Faudem is a rabbi at
Hillel Day School.

Human beings are creatures
of habit, The way we behave to-
day influences our behavior to-
morrow. And just like anything
else in life, dating preparation
affects final results.
You smile at someone, they
smile back. You work hard, you
will successfully complete a pro-
ject. And while we may think it
is appropriate to date one per-
son today, those views are like-
ly to impact who we view as
appropriate partners in the fu-
ture.

We cannot treat relation-
ships like a water faucet; every-
one knows how difficult it is to
switch the
to off when
su
in love with
someone you
.v.F
long-term.
But, the truth is, the more
non-Jews you date, the more
likely you are to marry a non-
Jew.
Dating patterns influence
your future and the future of
the family you will someday
have. Your dating ethic should
reflect your life priorities.
Religious affiliation usually
rates an
. all-time
. low
. for many
American Jews in their dating
and early marriage years. Only
later — with the birth of chil-
dren and the realization that
you are responsible for passing
on Jewish education — does re-
ligion begin to play a large role.
Religion is a vocabulary of
values. It is tough to teach one

vocabulary, but, it is downright
confusing, and next to impossi-
ble, to teach two. Especially
when the two conflict.
In his book, It All Begins
With a Date, Rabbi Alan Sil-
verstein says Judaism is 'more
than a religion „. It reaches into
the spiritual, ethical, moral, cul-
tural and everyday realms of
life ... The idea that Judaism is
easily replaceable by just an-
other religion is completely un-
satisfactory given the centuries
of culttn-e and tradition which
[are] its legacy."
Such an assumption, he
says, "totally ignores the
communal aspects of Jew-
ish peoplehood."
The Hebrew word kid-
dushin is commonly trans-
lated to mean "marriage."
While'this translation is cor-
rect the English definition
is missing the deeper mean-
ing of the Hebrew word.
The fact that this word is
used to describemange
sa es. : a lot abo tir u -
dansm views marriage.
Based on our understand-
ing of the term, when a Jew-
ish couple marries, they are
not only changing their
lifestyle; they are entering
into a relationship that is
viewed as a state of holiness.
Once you s*Ouildfit:The
chuppali toge100:giiit enter
into this state$flddclushin
you and youiiJntende,
. be-
.
kta4

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ra
in
are
dange r .4174 t
blessing `o kiddush i n
hoping for "in-marriage," we
need to empower Jewish peo-
ple to make Jewish choices
arid to confront the issues that
come with dating, and marry-
ing, non-Jews.
Jewish survival can only be
assured through Jewish fami
lies. The ideal of celebrating the
kiddushin underneath a chup-
pah is one that we, the Jewish
community, cannot afford to do
without.
It is in our hands to make
sure this sacred ceremony —
which celebrates the unification
of two Jewish souls — main-
tains its rightful and important
place in our lives. El

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