/-

not soul mates," Rabbi Irons
says.
What is a soul mate? Some
people say it is where the line be-
tween two people blurs; when you
look at your partner and literal-
ly see yourself; when, the mo-
ment you meet, you're hit with
the sense that you must be with
that person.
Rabbi Irons describes it is "a
tremendous spiritual attraction"
combined with compatible per-
sonalities and common life goals
— "not just physical attraction."
A person with the same ideals in
life, the same sensitivities.
"Both are giving people and
• both give respect to each other.
•
It has to be a person [with whom
you can] grow together, because
we change. The whole idea of life
is to grow," he says.
Rabbi David Nelson of Con-
gregation Beth Shalom in Oak
Park says Judaism has "always
revered the relationship between
husband and wife. In Jewish lit-
erature and Talmud, whenever
there's spare time, God is match-
ing up couples. It's work worthy
of the Almighty."
Stories from ancient times de-
pict a Roman matron making fun
of God's matchmaking. "God
says, You think it's so easy? You
try it.' So she tries to match up
people," namely those in her em-
ploy.
"A couple days later, one was
wearing crutches, all bruised, and
she understood this is [a task]
worthy of God's attention. So
there was this notion that find-
ing the mate was something that
was sacred," Rabbi Nelson says.
"It's a higher concept than Hol-
lywood has."
The Bible speaks of a soul
mate as a "loving companion"; in
a traditional Jewish wedding, the
• sixth of the seven blessings un-
der the chuppa refers to rayim
ha-ahuvim, loving companions.
"It really captures the idea of
soul mates — sometimes called
loving companions, loving friends
— you are supposed to be linked
both as lovers and as friends,"
Rabbi Nelson says.
'Mark Twain said [of] his wife,
where she was, there was Eden.'
• The rabbis and the Talmud say
if you found a wife, you found the
very best thing."
Can a soul mate be a friend as
opposed to a romantic partner?
Rabbi Nelson says he hasn't
heard the term used that way too
often, but perhaps it could be. "I
hear it more frequently, I think,
used as we're talking about, hus-
• band and wife."
/--
In Judaism, there are three
types of marriages, the first kind
being that of a soul mate.
In the original creation story,
God created humans as two parts
iat together make a whole.

"merge together — that is the
ideal marriage," the rabbi says.
"Instant chemistry, the feeling
I've known you all my life."
The second type of Jewish
marriage is tied to the idea of
reincarnation, the Kabbalistic
tradition. "When you're reincar-
nated, you don't necessarily get
the wife created as your original
soul mate," Rabbi Irons says.
"But everything that happens in
that life is beshert (meant to be).
This may not be the ideal, but [it
is] the ideal for you right now."
The Talmud mentions the con-
cept of the second marriage,
when your mate is not the one in-
tended for you when you were
born, the rabbi says. "But God is
constantly trying to get you the
best mate, what you need at that
time."
Then there's the third kind of
Jewish marriage: "Even when it's
not a perfect fit, the Midrash says
God makes sure the chemistry is
there, compensates for not being
[your] soul mate."

"To have a soul
mate, you have to
have a soul."

— Rabbi Shmuel Irons

Physical attraction and chem-
istry are crucial components of
Jewish marriages — but should
not be the focus. Those qualities
"will keep the marriage together
but do not constitute the essence
of the marriage," Rabbi Irons
says.
Another "ingredient" of a suc-
cessful marriage is "infinite pa-
tience. Anger destroys a
marriage," he says. The idea that
one spouse's pain hurts the oth-
er is a Jewish concept of love,
Rabbi Irons adds.
The great sage Maimonides,
Rambam, said that a husband is
supposed to care more for his wife
than for himself, Rabbi Irons
says: "Put her first. When people
are fulfilled, they give in return."
Some people become perplexed
when asked if their spouse is
their soul mate. Rabbi Nelson
and his wife Alicia don't give it
much thought but there are those
who believe the Nelsons are.
"We communicate on so many
different levels — and there's al-
ways something to look forward
to, to share, even if you're apart
for not a long time, always some-
thing I have to fill in," the rabbi
says.
"When you get married, you
spend a lot of time talking to the
other individual. As I say to cou-
ples: You look forward to 10,000
breakfasts together, living to-
gether — sexual comnatibilitv is

important, but there's nothing
like having to talk to each other
— all those breakfasts, lunches
and dinners."
When Rabbi Nelson told his
wife that he thinks they are soul
mates, she teased him, saying,
"My kids are looking for a soul
mate — gimme a break, this is
not us."
The "term soul mate to me
sounds more like my children's
generation than my generation,"
Mrs. Nelson says. "I feel that if a
marriage is good, it doesn't [just]
happen— a marriage is good be-
cause you work at making it
happen.
"When did I realize we were
soul mates? It certainly wasn't
when we got married," she says.
"I think life makes you soul
mates. Being a soul mate is in
many ways a choice because I
think you have to decide that this
person completes you, in a sense
— it's a choice to say something
has happened, the first person in
the world I want to tell it to is my
husband."
Like wine and cheese, "love is
something which becomes better
with age," Rabbi Irons says. 'The
initial fire is infatuation, the be-
ginning of love."
What advice does Mrs. Nelson
give her kids when they ask how
to find a soul mate?
That "friendship and commu-
nication are so much more im-
portant. I don't think stars and
bells and whistles go off when
you meet a person — [it should
be] someone who you enjoy
spending time with, who you find
is responsive to you, sympathet-
ic, and in time that love grows."
Mrs. Nelson tells of a cousin,
Jonah, who became religious. "So
his rebbe says to him, 'I have a
wife for you. She lives in Teaneck,
[N.J.], here's her name, call her
and I want you to go meet her.'
At the end of the date he calls his
rebbe and says, 'I can't marry this
woman — we couldn't find any-
thing to talk about, the whole
date was horrible.' The rebbe
says, 'Marriage is a long time. I
think you should give her a sec-
ond chance."'
"By the end of the second
date, he asked her to marry
him," Mrs. Nelson says. Why?
"They relaxed. It wasn't awk-
ward: Much more relaxed, they
were able to laugh, have fun. I
am willing to bet money that the
odds of that marriage being hap-
py are as good as the odds of a
couple who live together for six
years, maybe even better." Be-
cause they want the same things
out of the relationship.
"A good marriage is a good
marriage because you give 100
percent. When you give 100 per-
cent, then the person at the re-
ceiving- end is a soul mate." El

How do you know if your partner
is really your soul mate?

.141

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deals in life the same
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MIN Editor Phil Jacobs hass.
known his wife, Lisa, since
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Phil defines soul mate as
someone who knows you better
than anyone else in the work
"When I am apart from Lisa
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