Sinai Talk

N • 11_

Talking Smal l '

How much do you

and should you

reveal early on?

ALLISON KAPLAN SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH NEWS

4 ou meet someone attractive at a bar, muddle
through hellos and gratefully discover a con-
nection: you belong to the same synagogue. Bin-
go! Not only are you both Jewish, you now have
something to talk about.
So the guy, smooth talker that he is, lunges
into a quick critique of how the synagogue is
great — except for the cantor, who, he thinks,
is totally overrated.
Guy follows up with a friendly chuckle, which
is short-lived because he notices Girl is defi-
nitely not chiming in. Sensing the error of his
speech, he looks up to see steam steadily ris-
ing above her highlighted hair.
That overrated cantor is her father.
Oops. So much for small talk.
At times, making that effort to talk with
someone new seems a losing venture. It's drain-
ing. Nerve-wracking. So easy to screw up. Go
out on a limb, you risk being offensive or totally
humiliated. Play it safe, and you're too boring
to date. So what do you say?
"I'm pretty open, Pll talk about anything,"
says Howard Rosner of West Bloomfield.

48

Except sexual history. You don't want to
bring that up on a first date, he says. Oh yes,
and politics, he adds emphatically, is definite-
ly not a good one either. Come to think of it, re-
ligion can be kind of contentious ...
"The movies," says Mark Chessler, 26, of
Southfield. "I talk too much about the movies."
There you go — the movies. A safe, neutral
topic. That is, assuming your date also loved
Swingers and hated The English Patient. No?
Maybe it's time to rethink this relationship af-
ter all.
'When I was younger, I was much more con-
forming to the person I was dating," says Ros-
ner, 28. "I don't do that anymore. I don't play
the game. If someone doesn't like my opinions,
too bad."
That seems to be the consensus among some
Detroit-area singles: Be yourself on a first date.
Just maybe not your entire self.
There's plenty of time for the whole story on
dates three and four. And if the spark dies with
date two, at least you've spared yourself a lot
of unnecessary soul baring.
Still, a first date need not be an oral
resume. It's OK if you don't learn how
many siblings she has or what he ma-
jored in as an undergrad. Most singles
say they learn far more about a per-
son through casual conversation than
pointed questioning.
`The barrage bothers me," says Den-
ny Bachman of Farmington Hills.
"What you do, where you live — it al-
ways comes out. You don't have to force
it."
Instead, Bachman, 30, says she likes
to talk sports:
"Guys like it," she explains. "It
throws them for a loop that Pm into
hockey."
Nancy Lipsey of Southfield says
books are a good ice-breaker — and a
telling topic. Knowing what (and if)
her dates like to read says something
about them right off the bat, notes
Lipsey, 24. And woe is the man who
can't come up with the last good title
he perused.
"If he can't answer, he's not for me
anyway," she says.
A standard question Bryce Sandler
said often opens doors is "Where do
you see yourself in 10 years?"
Sound like a job interview? Maybe
that's not so bad. "If she says she wants

to be an executive or a mom, you get a sense of
what she's looking for, says the 26-year-old
Farmington Hills resident.
Of course, there are some things a person
just doesn't want to hear on a first date. Par-
ticularly; if it has to do with previous relation-
ships.
Which brings us to the cardinal rule of dat-
ing, agreed upon by both single women and
men: Never talk about an "ex" on a first date.
"It's such a turnoff to hear about how many
engagements someone has broken off," Lipsey
says with a shudder.
But more than the awkwardness of the sub-
ject matter, talk of past relationships shifts the
discussion into dangerous territory — known
by many who have learned the hard way as the
counseling syndrome.
Women seem to complain of this more often,
being burdened with a new person's sob stories
about girlfriends-past. And the minute she
starts consoling him, her chances of being girl-
friend-present are out the window.
Bachman knows. "I went out with a guy I
knew was having troubles with a girl. We sat
and talked about him and her, the purpose was
to get him back into the dating scene," she says.
Unfortunately, Bachman's counseling skills
were a bit too polished. Her date ended up get-
ting back together with his old girlfriend.
So when does it become appropriate to talk
about the serious stuff? Your parents' difficult
divorce? That weird skin condition?
"Probably when you're married," Sandler ad-
vises.
Perhaps that's true, but most of us are a bit
more impatient to get to the good stuff, say, by
date three.
It's tough to set a rule, most say, because it
all depends on how well the first date goes, how
long it lasts and the kind of topics that come
up.
"As a general rule, rd say the second or third
date is a good time to discuss anything you have
strong feelings about that you wouldn't want
to bring up on a first date," clarifies Sandler.
Then again, Chessler says, if you really click
with someone on a first date, you're more like-
ly to get personal in conversation.
And Sandler, who works in politics, says he's
even broken the no-politics-on-the-first-date
rule (which most say they are more steadfast
about than avoiding the topic of sex), with pleas-
ing results.
It just goes to show, you never know where
a conversation might lead.

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