Does it matter if a man makes less than a woman?
Detroit Jewish singles give their opinions.

JULIE WEINGARDEN SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH NEWS

G

irl meets guy. She digs him.
She tells her girlfriends. Their
first question: "So, what does
he do?"
Guy digs girl. He tells his
buddies. Their first question:
"Is she hot?"
Some would say that men
and women are focused on
different qualities when it
comes to that initial connec-

tion.
With women, the occupation in-
quiry is right up there with "Is he
Jewish?" Call it yenta inquisitive-
ness or mere conditioning that
starts at youth. Perhaps they've
heard relatives ask it so often that
they find themselves listening for
the same "potential provider" key
words like doctor, lawyer or fami-

ly business.

w

Cr)

w

C.)

54

Warning: We are entering
touchy territory — dating and mon-
ey.
While researching this assign-
ment, I found few people willing to
be interviewed. Many weren't in-
terested in talking about such a
sensitive topic as money, let alone
in the same context as dating. (OK,
so who can blame them?)
Although they didn't want to
come forward, they are out there.
Young Jewish women who judge a
potential partner — sometimes be-
fore meeting him — based on what
he looks like on paper.
Personal biases aside, when it
comes down to it, would you date
someone who makes less money
than you do? Or someone who did
not have a college education? Or
who was content working behind
the counter of a video store?
"I think that it depends on the
person and what their goals are,"
says Stacey Rautbort, a clinical so-
cial worker at Jewish Family Ser-
vice. "It also depends on their
upbringing. In the Detroit area,
many Jewish girls have been raised
with material things and they want
them," knowing these things are

more expensive than they might be
able to afford.
"People are less apt to settle.
There is a desire to go out and find
somebody who will complement
you financially," she adds.
Ms. Rautbort sees a return to
tradition as far as marital and gen-
der roles are concerned.
"More women are going into pro-
fessional careers-with the hope of
being self-sufficient," she says. Still,
the number of young engagements
is growing, coupled with a growing
desire among young Jewish women
— professional or not — to have
children at a young age, Ms. Raut-
bort adds.
Sam Sky, 27, says, "I think, in a
sense, all women are looking for a
guy — some to a small extent and
some to a large extent — to take
care of them. I think by social stan-
dards, it is still expected for the
man to be the breadwinner. In the
Jewish community, it would be
frowned upon if the man stayed
home with the kids and the woman
went to work," says Mr. Sky, who
is co-owner of Home Improvement
Lending Services in Ferndale.
For many progressive young
Jewish women, finances don't dri-
ve desire. Eligibility has more to do
with a man's ability to love, listen
and laugh. Call them hopeless ro-
mantics, but some are merely re-
alizing that even with money, there
are no guarantees for happiness.
"It's not a problem to make more
than the man, if the woman is in-
dependent and going into the rela-
tionship for emotional gains rather
than financial gains. It depends on
the woman," says Caryn Gordon,
an attorney who recently relocat-
ed to the Detroit area from Boston.
"I feel relatively self-sufficient,"
says Ms. Gordon. "I can take care
of my bills, and I won't mind if I
make more money."
But she has seen where the
woman making more can cause
problems in a relationship.

"A friend of mine is an attorney
and her boyfriend is also, but he is
working as a writer, and they are
struggling: I think she is beginning
to get upset."
Ms. Rautbort says problems can
arise when the woman makes more
money, particularly in abusive re-
lationships.
"I treat women who are involved

entitled to manage the finances. Its
an issue of power and control."
For those men, Ms. Rautbort
says, it's a blow to their egos that
they are not good providers; in turn,
such men resent their wives.
Of course, that is decidedly the
extreme. Many guys are emotion-
ally secure and would be OK mak-
ing less money than a partner.

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in emotionally or physically abu-
sive relationships where they work
and hand their paychecks over to
their husbands. The men feel they
don't have to work but ... should be

"If I found a woman whom I
loved and she made more money
than I, it wouldn't faze me," says
Jon Dwoskin, 24, principal of On-

MONEY page 59

