4 .e* 1 4 WV:CMMEM.KI:M=ISKUM,...VASIMMUMMKIMMAVSZW&WVSKWAMMOrr:aMMOM,. ajR Challenging Thole Psychotherapist Leonard Felder pushes past the Thou Shalt Nots and finds a route to r personal growth. I ) man, complaining of back pains and stomach trouble, once came to Leonard Felder's psychotherapy practice. In the course of his treatment, the man told Dr. Felder, "I'm juggling two women right now." Dr. Felder, a Los Ange- les psychologist and De- troit native, responded by talking about the Seventh Commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adul- tery: , The patient was not married, but Dr. Felder says the message still made therapeutic sense. "Look at what adul- tery is doing to your health, and how it's clos- ing your heart off," he told the pa- tient. It's easy to do quickies, Dr. Felder says. The real challenge is putting "energy into one per- son and finding out what it real- ly is to know and be known by one person." Similarly, Dr. Felder takes the long view in his new, The Ten Challenges (Harmony Books). He examines the Ten Command- ments, views them through both a therapist's lens and the words of Jewish sages, and argues how the ancient decrees can be ther- apeutic and lead to personal growth. "I grew up like most people, thinking the Ten Command- ments were harsh and rigid," the 43-year-old Dr. Felder says. "They've lasted for 3,500 years because they hit on the 10 tough- est issues for people." Stress, anger, sex, limits, inti- macy, envy and gossip — these are all '90s words for issues that have been around since ancient times and whose solutions, Dr. Felder argues, are implicit in the Ten Commandments. Dr. Felder avoids the word "commandment" because it is a mistranslation of the Hebrew David Holzel is managing editor of our sister publication, The Atlanta Jewish Times. Commandments DAVID HOLZEL SPEC A 0 HE EW SH NEWS original — "The Ten Words" or "The Ten Things" is better — and because "an even greater number of individuals would be open to appre- ciating the wisdom of these 10 insights if they were presented in a less authoritarian fashion," he says. Those trying to follow the Ten will find the toughest to put into prac- tice is No. 5 — honoring parents, Dr. Felder says. `The parent-child re- lationship has tension built into it. If you have a troubled or a seriously ill parent, there are dif- ficult decisions to make. Maimonides [the me- dieval Jewish thinker and physician] said sometimes you have to delegate the task. People feel guilty if they have to put their parents in a nursing home, but it's halachically cor- rect to do so." Can an adult child be expect- ed to honor an abusive parent? "A lot of people have resent- ments toward their parents that make it hard to honor them with- out whitewashing over it," Dr. Felder says. The goal, he ex- plains, is forgiveness, not forgive and forget. Before writing this book, his seventh, Dr. Felder needed to confront the impact his own par- ents made on him. "I knew for years that I want- ed to write about this, but I kept chickening out. My dad is a Holo- caust survivor and he had two rules: Don't be too Jewish in pub- lic and don't talk about religion in public." The book does both. So finally Dr. Felder contacted his father, explaining why he want- ed to write it. Dr. Felder says his Detroit up- bringing had a hand in his ap- proach to the book. "I went to my grandfather's synagogue, Beth Abraham, on Saturdays. It was Conserva- tive/Orthodox. My family's tem- ple was Temple Israel," he says. control anger, insecurity and self-righteousness, particularly in encounters with loved ones. So he offers suggestions like tak- ing "time outs" during argu- ments and "maintaining awareness of the other person's humanity." Solutions like these don't get near the source of anger or inse- curity, but Dr. Felder regards them as potentially effective. "I'm not a strict Freudian, who says you have to back into your past. Sometimes you can manu- ally defuse the rage or, if you no- TEN COMMANDMENTS page 90 Leonard Felder, Ph.D. "So I have respect for the traditional side, and a strong urge to discuss Ju- daism in a way that peo- ple can use." He wrote The Ten Challenges with two types of readers in mind: those comfortable with Torah and midrash (homiletical stories based on the Torah) and those "who never gave a thought to looking to Torah" as a source of meaning and growth. "I hope unaffiliated Jews will discover Jewish texts are as interesting as the Eastern and New Age stuff they're reading," he says. But the book isn't just for Jews, he adds. "Jews, Christians, Muslims and atheists all use the Ten Commandments." Moses did not find the Ten Commandments in the self-help section of Mount Sinai. But in Dr. Felder's hands, "You shall not take God's name in vain" becomes a chapter on learning to Here is how psychotherapist Leonard Felder retools the Ten Command- ments: 1) I am your God: Discovering the still small voice within. 2) You shall not worship idols: Break- ing free of =fulfilling paths and habits. 3) You shall not take God's name in vain: Learning to control anger, inse curity and self-righteousness. 4) Remember Sabbath Day to keep it holy: Theli , . le to unhook from your everycti tilkiSt and connect with sornethMI, 5) Honor yo do you honor;' sion beqkt* liow *Ott ere's ten- 6) You shalthOttriurder: What can you do to prevent the crushing of a person's spirit? 7) You shall not commit adultery: How to elevate your sexuality to greater sa- credness and fulfillment. 8) You shall not steal: Accomplishing your goals without mistreating others. ti - 9) You shall not bear false witness: Re- " ducing gossip and hurtful talk in your c -=j daily life. a- Q 10) You shall not covet: The way to feel good about what you have. 89