IPUR111111 SPOOF

Kosher Biter

Passing A Purim
In Pago Pago

Edible underwear makes us go where
no other taste test has gone before.

e, the staff of Jew.S.A.
Today (also known as
the paper where "You'll
Never Go Hungry"),
have decided to go where no taste
test has ever gone before.
Sure we've done shrimp and
lobster, pig's toes and head-
cheese. But never, ever, has any-
one done one of the hottest selling
foodstuffs in the kosher keeping
community.

IVA LIGHTFOOT SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH NEWS

You guessed it: edible under-
wear.
Long the butt of the fashion
world's jokes, edible underwear
has come into its own. In fact, it's
worn by some of the most up-
standing members of the com-
munity.
Supervised by the Oh You, the
underwear sells in such upscale
shops as Brown Bag It, Noir
Leather and Needless Markup.

It comes in a variety of shapes
and sizes as well as flavors.
For our taste test, we tried the
luscious strawberry. Boasting
400 calories per serving and 29
grams of sugary carbohydrates,
a serving contained almost no nu-
tritional value, racking up zero
protein grams, no fat and no nu-
trients. But hey, what do you
want? It's underwear for God's
sake!

Edible Underwear

next time? I'm allergic to straw-
berries."
— Edgar Jules

The Rating:

For this taste test, we decided
to go to the experts at Federa-
tion Apartments. Like all of our
other scientifically run tests,
our tasters have spent hours
meticulously honing their taste
buds.

The alluring beach vista at Pago Pago.

"Light and refreshing. Two
forks up."
— Rabbi Finkelhinkel

"Couldn't we do another flavor

F

"Too chewy. Leaves a bad af-
tertaste."
— Harry Kornstein

(a' Kosher Bites is a scientific test. Since consumers routinely engage in great market studies
prior to picking products to purchase, we also do. We test only the top-rated products be-
cause heaven-forbid we grab what is readily available on the supermarket shelves.
Please let us know if you have any suggestions for this column. We would be happy to ig-
nore each and every one of them and tell you what we think of yotu. stupid suggestions, mock-
ing you all the while.

PHOTO BY DANIEL "HOT LIPS" LIPPI TT

Milky's Way

/-

orever alert to the draw
for the Jewish traveler, I
must recount my delight-
ful stay in "Jewish" Pago

Pago.
While looking for a warm es-
cape from Michigan's winter, I
happened on the Samoan Is-
lands; the generally pleasant
climate welcomed me to the rich
forests and flat lands that slope
ever so slightly to the sea.
Pago Pago is the only good
harbor, and I had heard that
there were vestiges of early Jew-
ish influences to be seen. At one
time there must have been some
Jewish settlers who, though
now long gone, had left their im-
print on this tropical paradise.
Arriving at Purim, I was even
more convinced that the rumors
were indeed true; I was fasci-
nated by my findings as you
shall be.
I stayed at the Stilton Inn,
the only place for guests. The
reed mats were cockroach free
and a fresh guava was tossed in
my window each morning.
Making inquiries about Jew-
ish influences led me to the
Street Of Skullcaps, which I dis-
covered, was not named for kip-
pot. At its end lay the ruins of a
small chapel-like building that
still had a palm-frond Star of
David woven into the roof.
There was a stage like altar and
off to one side a construction
that must have been a lamp:
eight coconut shells nailed to a
log.
Many of the native women
wore ornate necklaces with pen-
dants that were shaped like a
small table; the natives called
them Ki. The women also spent

-

Last week, four cows escaped the killing hands of the mighty shochet at Cornhuskers Beef, Veal and Lamb in Detroit. Above,
"Milky" was seen running through the streets in udder horror at the prospect of being served as lunch in one of Oak Park's
numerous gourmet kosher eateries.

Iva Lightfoot also writes under
the pen name of Sy Manello.

an undue amount of time shop-
ping. This was unusual because
the only store was a small grass
shack with meager supplies run
by a man named Kneeman. I
believe that he was a descen-
dant of the early Jewish settlers;
the family name was Marcus.
The natives were about to cel-
ebrate a festival they called Pre-
em, which called for costumes,
delicacies and a historical reen-
actment. The latter told the sto-
ry of an ancient tribal chief, his
queen, her cousin from a neigh-
boring village and an evil
tribesman named Shaman. As
the story is told, there was to be
a great sounding of conch shells
each time Shaman's name came
up.
The natives all wore amaz-
ing colors of body paint, intri-
cate designs on loin cloths and
many beaded necklaces. The
main food treat was a baked
confection with a center con-
taining a • piece of fruit:
kumquat, nut or some such; it
was said to be made in the
shape of Shaman's eye.
As the evening wore on and
the velvet hues of the night en-
croached on the glittering aura
shed by the golden-globed sun,
the natives began to drink a
homemade concoction. The ves-
sels were hollowed-out melon-
like vegetables. The drink was
so strong that many were soon
literally out of their gourds.
The next day I was able to
tour Pago Pago at length. An
hour later, exhausted by my
trek, I returned to the Stilton,
packed my things and made
ready to sail off into the sunset.
As my outrigger distanced me
from the shore, I glanced back
to bid a fond shalom; all I could
see was Nothing Atoll. ❑