SPOOF

Engagements

Now Do Ya Think He's Saxy?

Siskel-Ebert

Mr. Gene Siskel and Mr. Roger
Ebert are delighted to an-
nounce their recent marriage
in a private ceremony in Chica-
go.
Roger, the son of Mr. and
Mrs. Ebert, is a film critic in
Chicago. Gene is the son of Mr.

and Mrs. Siskel, who say they
are "just happy their Geney fi-
nally found someone."
The couple, after years of re-
pressing their love for each oth-
er, are overjoyed that they may
now combine their personal
and professional lives.

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People-Voice

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BULLETIN BOARD

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Call it Ishmael! Distinguished
yet infertile elderly couple seeks
handmaid to carry our baby.
Good perks — we won't desert
you.

SEEKING MALE

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0003
Are you my next husband? SJF,
50-ish, gorgeous, witty, kind,
seeks SJM with big bank ac-
count, no baggage. I promise
you'll have fun!!

SEEKING FEMALE

0001
Bars, cars, Mars — I've tried
them all. But there's nobody

1 ewish Sh igies 7

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,

,

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sincere in those places, so I've
come to the one-and-only, no-
I'm-not-lonely Jewish News
People Connector ads to find
my one true love. SJM, 21 at
heart, gorgeous, wealthy, avail-
able to be your slave. (Actual-
ly, if I was any of those things,
what would I be doing placing
this ad? Use your imagination!)
I'm seeking a sincere rela-
tionship — (read: longer than
one phone call).

itt•
0002
Tall, dark and handsome wants
to meet slim, bright and gor-
geous for an intellectual rela-
tionship. Strictly platonic, even
electronic. Freeway cell phones
preferred. Put up your anten-
na — I'll be there.

GAIL "BLOWHARD" ZIMMERMAN ENTERTAINMENT MAVEN

I

n a daring move to save his
foundering career, pop saxo-
phonist Kenny Gammel) this
week shaved off his trade-
mark curls. "It wasn't so bad
when fans confused me with
Lenny Kravitz, or even Howard
Stern," said the saxman. "The fi-
nal straw was being mistaken —
over and over again — for

Michael Bolton. I've got much spending plenty of time with his
more hair on top than Michael pal Bill Clinton at 1600 Penn-
Bolton," said Gimmel.
sylvania Avenue.
Now sporting a skinhead
"But I never had to do-
Ke nny
'do, the saxophone man ex- G(im mel): nate any campaign money
pects to be subpoenaed in
to stay in the Lincoln Bed-
Be fore
the event of a congressional and after. room," the musician in-
investigation of campaign
sists. "I just gave the
finance abuse on the part of the president sex lessons ... oops, I
White House. Gimmel admits to mean sax lessons."

❑

urner Starts Jew-TV

NEIL RUBE SPECIAL TO JEW.S.A. TODAY

M

edia mogul and all-
around weirdo Ted
Turner has announced
his newest cable ven-
ture: Jew-TV.
The programs, scheduled to
start at least 20 minutes late, will
feature four or five shows a night,
depending on Mr. Turner's mood.
Tentative pilots. include:

• Documentary: Shnei
Pak Shachor: The con:
troversial life and sudden
death of an Ethiopian
Jewish gangsta rapper
gone awry in the mean
streets of Tel Aviv.
Theme song by Flaming
Kreplach.

• The Golem Heights: A huge
ugly, clay-faced guy takes up sky-
diving. He jumps hours before
Yom Kippur. Too bad about land-
ing in that big pile of fertilizer
and then having to go lead ser-
vices. Stars Buddy Hackett.

• 60 Minutes, Give Or
Take A Few: Secrets of
Shimon Peres' hair styl-
ist; Jews who hate white-
fish and the gentiles who
love them; the pithy,
meaningless commen-
tary of Mickey Rooney.

• Joanie Loves Chatchkes:
Joanie is busted at Macy's for
shoplifting earrings shaped as
dreidels. Guest star: Henry Win-
kler as the cool cop who really
wants to be a mohel.

Henry Winkler:
Dreams cut short.

