It I MI

SPOOF

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The

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Detroit's

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of its kind in the universe,

JOE BIGSHOT

A great new way to pick names for your children!

ELIZABETH APPLEBAUM PRESIDENT, BARRY MANILOW FAN CLUB (AND HEAD OF MANY OTHER PRESTIGIOUS ORGANIZATIONS,

TOO NUMEROUS TO MENTION HERE).

Q: Is it true that the chief
rabbi of Israel recently
turned Prime Minister Ben-
jamin Netanyahu into a
Chinese urn?

A: Yes, indeed it is! Here's the

story.
As you may know, Mr. Ne-
tanyahu — Benny, among
friends — has the reputation of
being, to put it mildly, not exact-
ly the most religious man. His fa-
vorite breakfast for many years

learn from this story? A Benny
shaved is a Benny urned.

Q: Is it true that Barry
Manilow has founded his
own correspondence school
which offers a degree in sex
appeal?

A: And how!

Mr. Manilow, whose legendary
good looks already have inspired
plastic surgery among millions
of men nationwide, opened his
school in Lantana, Fla. For
Lif,, only $2,000, you can take
Barry's "Sex Appeal — I've
al Got It, Now You Can Have
F, It, Too!" course (which of-
(Is fers this testimonial from
thousands of satisfied cus-
: tomers: "It's guaranteed to
< get the babes!"). Also avail-
able: "Michael Bolton's
Hair Care For The So-
phisticated Gent."

o

Q: Now that Hillary
Clinton seems to have
distanced herself from
Michael Lerner, I'm
wondering if you
The ever-exciting Shimon Peres with Benjamin
could tell me what the
Netanyahu before THE INCIDENT.
Tikkun editor has been
up to.
reportedly was bacon. And when
From
reader Barbra S., in
it comes to women — well, nev-
New York
er mind.

Apparently, Israel's chief rab-
bi felt such behavior was inap-
propriate for the country's top
political leader. So he put his foot
down. He gave Mr. Netanyahu a
list of exactly what he could, and
could not do. Among the prohi-
bitions: Eating crab, shaving his
beard, playing Michael Bolton
CDs on Shabbat or any other day,
and mixing meat and milk.
The rabbi's determination that
Mr. Netanyahu heed his direc-
tives is clear. He warned: "Should
you be unable to follow any of
these, I shall be forced to turn you
into a Chinese urn."
It seems the prime minister
was doing quite well for several
weeks with almost everything.
Yes, almost.
"How can I not shave this very,
very handsome face?" Mr. Ne-
tanyahu said one day while ad-
miring himself in the mirror. And
so, alas, he took up his razor.
Poofl The chief rabbi appeared
on the scene and was as good as
his word. He instantly turned the
prime minister into a Chinese

Urn.

And what, my friends, can we

A: Good question, Babs!

Since his disappearance from
the Clintons' VIP list, Mr. Lein-
er has become the architect of a
new philosophy, "The Politics of
Meaninglessness," which already
has been embraced by such lead-
ing intellectuals as Pamela An-
derson of "Baywatch," infomercial
great Victoria Principal, film leg-
end Pauly Shore and rap star
Coolio, who recently wrote a song
which features the lyrics: "Yo
Mike, you're fine, my homeboy,
it's time; you're white, sure, so
what? Get out there and kick
butt!"
And have we got a scoop for
you! Next week, Mr. Lerner will
outline his program on each and
every cable shopping network,
where you can buy his new book
(which includes an autographed
photo) for only $155.95 ($255.95
for Republicans).
Among the thoughtful ques-
tions posed by Mr. Lerner:
* If someone pushed Bob Dole
down in the middle of a rain for-
est and no one was there to hear
it, would it still make a sound?
* If someone offered Bill Clin-

ton his choice of steak with
mashed potatoes, chicken with
rice, or roast beef with green
beans, would he be able to pick
only one?
* Has anyone actually ever
read an entire issue of Tikkun?

Q: I notice that many upper-
class gentiles like to give
their children last names as
first names, such as Roswell
Gilpatric, Winthrop Aldrich,
Breckenridge Long and Mc-
George Bundy. I imagine
these are their mother's
maiden names.
Do you think we could do
this? My wife's maiden
name is Fischbein and my
mother's maiden name was
Moskowitz.

A: Sure you can — so long as you

pretend you're naming your child
after some dead relative whose
name has absolutely nothing to
do with the one you're giving your
son or daughter!
As you may have noticed, cer-
tain Jewish couples like to give
their children the exact same
name as a long-dead relative:
David, for example, in honor of a
grandfather named David, or
Ruth for an aunt named Ruth.
Talk about bizarre!
Why Tell Me? recommends
bucking tradition and going hog-
wild with this whole thing! How
about naming that little bundle
of joy "Goldberg" in honor of his
maternal grandmother Mrs. Fis-
chbein, or "Schmaltzstein" in
honor of her paternal grand-
mother Mrs. Moskowitz!

Q: Are Tori Spelling, of that
fascinating program "Bev-
erly Hills 90210," and Den-
nis Rodman really the same
person, or are they twins
separated at birth?

A: After much research, our in-

defatigable sources have learned
that actress Tori Spelling and
basketball great Dennis Rodman
(reportedly in line to be the next
"Miss Manners") are in fact one
and the same.
Think about it. Have you no-
ticed how closely the two resem-
ble each other? Have you seen
how neither ever has the same
hair color two weeks in a row?
And have you ever seen Dennis
and Tori together in the same
room (and would anyone really
want to?)?

president

takes great greed in honoring
Max Climber for an appropri-
ate six-figure gift which will
pay for a vacation palace in Is-
rael with a 3x3-inch plaque
near the door.

Mr. Climber has a lifelong
non-commitment to our orga-
nization, but his best friend
Manny convinced
him the kovet would be good.

Joe Bigshot

Black Tie required
(no shirt, no pants — just the tie)

Guest speakers, led by:

The Dishonorable Moshe Pipik, recently indicted interna-
tional poo-bah of our prestigious organization who is inter-
rupting his nine-year paid sabbatical to personally accept Mr.
Climber's personal check.

All speakers guaranteed to be long-winded.
E-mail your reservation via America On-Line no later than noon Thursday,
March 20, to our underworked, underpaid staff.

(248) 555-CUTS

Reverend Doctor Rebbe Cantor

JOSHUA GETZIM

Pedigreed mole - SPCA certified.

Your house or mine.

"One slice
is all he needs."

*Friendly.
*Hands-on.
*Won't shrink from
baby's shrieks
or mother's.
*Sliding scale — upwards.

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