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HOUSE

NOT OUT OF THE GAME page 50

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Y-larnionyllousefrwider Carl Thom in front
(f the Hazel Park store circa 1947

We've been conducting
business for 50 years.
Still family owned and
Michigan based.

says Kari Provizer, director of
Temple Israel's Family T ,ife Cen-
ter. "But we have professional,
intelligent, attractive people who
deep inside want someone Jew-
ish, and that's enough to get
them in the door."
The self-selecting dating ser-
vices are almost identical, but
Sue Ellen Simon, Beth El's
membership and programming
coordinator, says whether you
join the network or not, you can
participate in Beth El's singles
events. She also advises volun-
teering in community events, as
"volunteering provides a com-
fortable atmosphere where sin-
gles can meet."
In order to meet your mate,
you have to know what you're
looking for. Where at 19 or 20,
people usually follow their hearts,
older singles say they look more
into their souls for what they
need from a potential partner.

`The first time you fall in love,
you don't think much about it;
you just do it," says Ms. Starr.
"The second time around, you
pay more attention to what their
values are — you come with
lists."
As you get older, you know
yourself better, says Ms. Perry.
"It's like your eye and your heart
become sharper and more fo-
cused." She looks for different
qualities in a man than she did
when she was younger. "Beyond
chemistry, I want somebody who
knows what he wants and isn't
afraid to be who he truly is."
Diane, 41 and never married,
says she now looks closely at is-
sues such as money manage-
ment and family values. (Her
last name has been withheld
upon request.) She also says she
is more open-minded.
"Ten years ago, I would not
have dated a man with kids be-

cause I had a whole lot more to
pick from. But now I would."
Mr. Raykhinshteyn hopes to
get married again and wants his
future wife to be Jewish. "I grew
up in Russia and knew I was dif-
ferent. I want my kids to be
raised Jewish."
Dr. Baron wants to marry a
Jewish woman because he be-
lieves children must be raised
with a single strong identity.
Even with the options avail-
able to older unmarrieds, some
may prefer to stay single.
"People no longer think if you
are over 35 and not married
that you're an old maid. Singles
like their independence,"
says Ms. Provizer. "The down-
fall is they would like compan-
ionship: someone to come
home to after work and eat
breakfast with on Sunday — a
best friend." ❑

It's OK To Be Alone

A newly attached columnist remembers the delight
of choosing to go it solo in a world of couples.

NARMONMOUSE

le-40. 40

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JULIE EDGAR SENIOR WRITER

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HARMONYHOUSE

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52

eekkia4:4 cAlaii

kitaie!

A

good friend in Chicago
just told me I'm no longer
her "role model of suc-
cessful living." She once
looked up to me as a healthy sin-
gle woman who considered a
boyfriend a distraction.
And there was a time I would
go on and on about the virtues of
being footloose, not just to go out
at 11 p.m. on a weeknight if I
chose or to quickly pack up for a
weekend jaunt but to be
immune from marital te-
dium and the strains of
maintaining a dead-end
relationship.
• We spent many an hour
on the telephone, I talking
her out of her misery over
not finding Mr. Right, she
straining to believe in
what I was saying. Now
that I am seriously entan-
gled, she has snatched
away my license to advise
her on happily being alone.
What I tell her now is
that I recall well how she
feels right about now. It
usually happens in one's
late 20s or early 30s when
friends, like lemmings, fol-
low the path of least resistance.
They fall in love, move in with a
significant other, many, have ba-
bies. When you are among the few
who aren't hooked up, you really
become an anomaly, especially in
a place like Detroit where, if you're
over 30 and unmarried, people as-
sume you're divorced.

I did not experience the an-
guish, and wasn't envious of
those early bloomers, until I was
quite a bit older, and then it had
more to do with them having
children than a spouse.
But I do remember how in-
tensely I reacted when one of my
closest friends, who, in biblical
terms could be described as a
"gadabout," met and quickly
moved in with her boyfriend,

now her husband. I was stunned
by her betrayal of her purport-
ed ideals and shocked by the
ease with which she hunkered
down in a marital relationship.
I picked fights; I scorned her
new complacency; I pouted.
My Chicago friend is not as
immature as I was, or doesn't

show it, but she is seeing her
friends disappear into domestic
oblivion, wondering why nobody
wants to go out and play any-
more. It is depressing, almost as
if these friends were just wait-
ing to shut out the world.
When I got engaged, I wasn't
immune from my own scorn. I
looked at my new situation and
wondered if I wasn't going down
that path of least resistance my-
self. Had I thrown in the
towel, resigned myself to
the humdrum? Had I im-
posed a life sentence on my-
self, dooming every future
social contact and profes-
sional decision to the ap-
proval of my future
husband?
My parents beamed as if
I was everything they ever
wanted me to be. My sisters
started chattering about
the wedding in their mat-
ter-of-fact way. Suddenly I
was like them. Instead of
jumping for joy, my heart
sank.
Even though I am in love
and not at all feeling
trapped, I still admire the
courage of people who choose to
go it alone, knowing that expe-
rience is much rawer and vi-
brant without the shield of
marriage.
I tried to tell that to my friend
on the phone last night, but she
refused to listen. ❑

K