Community Views

Publisher's Notebook

Whatever Form It Takes,
Intolerance Hurts

Questioning Shouldn't
End After The Seder

JOE KORT SPEC AL TO THE JEW SH NEWS

ARTHUR M. HORWITZ PUBLISHER

Anti-Semitism.
Being Jewish, I
knew of the con-
cept growing up
but never actual-
ly suffered from
direct acts of it. I
knew epithets
like "Jew boy,"
"kike," and "Jew
them down" existed but never
had any of these words or phras-
es directed to me personally.
I was raised in Oak Park in the
1970s when it was predominate-
ly Jewish. My mother wanted us
to be raised in a nice Jewish
neighborhood and to be sur-
rounded by "sameness."
I worked at a grocery store, and
every holiday season both
Christmas and Chanukah deco-
rations were displayed. It seemed
equitable. I believed at the time
that the whole world was
like that.
Equal opportunity.
We had a token "non-
Jewish" friend in my so-
cial circle, a guy who
found it endearing to be
part of the group. I had
plenty of opportunities to
see other Jewish role
models. Even as Oak
Park began to become in-
tegrated, I still had a lot
of contact with many oth-
er Jewish people.
I was first faced with
being a minority in
college, where I was
the only Jew in a new
social group. There were
no menorahs dis-
played during the Christ-
mas/Chanukah season,
only Christmas trees.
Even so, people were
sensitive to the fact that I was a
minority and endearingly re-
ferred to me as the "token Jew."
My friends and acquaintances
were careful about what they said
about Jews and asked me a lot of
questions.
For the first time, I felt differ-
ent. I knew the difference be-
tween being in the minority and
being in the majority. But I also
knew it on a deeper, more secre-
tive level.
When growing up, I heard
names like "feigele," "sissy," "pan-
sy," "queer," "mama's boy," and
"homo." Not only did I hear these
terms in reference to others, I was
called these things throughout
my life. I have not received the
same respect for my minority sta-
tus as a gay male as I have for be-
ing a Jewish male.
Although I knew the term for
fear and hatred of Jews — anti-
Semitism, I did not know there
was a parallel term for gays and
lesbians: homophobia.

Joe Kort is a psychotherapist in

private practice in Royal Oak.

Homophobia is the fear, dis-
gust and hatred of sexual love for
members of one's own sex. It is
a prejudice based on a personal
belief that lesbians and gays are
immoral, sick, sinful or inferior
to heterosexuals.
Although I know some non-
Jewish people in society feel this
way about Jews, I have never en-
countered this fear, disgust and
hate as a Jew to the extent I have
as a gay person.
I did not follow the typical male
patterns of most boys growing up.
I could not throw a ball, I liked to
play house and I disliked all
sports. I was told by the other
boys my age (as well as adults)
that I "acted like a girl" and must
be gay. It just so happened that I
was gay, and was mortified that
I had been exposed.
At least as a Jew I could have

turned to my family, friends or
school if I had experienced an
anti-Semitic attack. But as a lit-
tle gay boy, I had nowhere to
turn. I was bullied, spit at,
punched, called names, humili-
ated and threatened. The schools
did nothing to protect me.
My sixth-grade gym teacher
told my classmates that my best
friend and I must be "fags" be-
cause we spent so much time to-
gether.
I have an uncle who teased and
taunted me, calling me a "little
sissy girl." He told me I would
never grow up to be a man.
He was right in that I was a
"sissy" by definition. But why was
that so unacceptable? My sister
was a tomboy and no one made
fun of her.
After hearing all these deroga-
tory remarks about homosexuals,
is it any wonder that no one
wants to be associated with or be
seen as a gay or lesbian? There is
more support to hate gays and
lesbians than there is to love, ac-
cept or tolerate us.

Unfortunately, an extreme
form of hate also exists, and that
is death. Acts of violence toward
homosexuals are tolerated and
overlooked in this society. Het-
erosexuals are affected by this,
too, sometimes just as severely.
Little boys like me who do not
follow the typical male patterns
are labeled gay when, in fact, they
might not be. They get harassed
often, just as I was. Men are
touch-deprived by other men for
fear of being seen as gay.
The murder of Scott Amedure
by Jonathon Schmitz after the
two appeared on a taping of the
"Jenny Jones" show is a perfect
example of how homophobia
hurts — and sometimes kills —
us all. Mr. Schmitz admitted to
killing Mr. Amedure because he
was concerned that family mem-
bers and others would think, as
a result of his televi-
sion appearance, that
he was gay.
Mr. Schmitz re-
ported feeling humil-
iated by having a
member of his own
gepder reveal roman-
tic interest in him.
Why is that humiliat-
ing? Because we live
in a society that per-
petuates that idea.
And now the lives
of those two men are
ruined because of it.
One is dead; the oth-
er, jailed for life. Both
suffered.
As an adult male, I
still do not enjoy
sports of any kind, I
affectionately touch
other men and I still
lovingly kiss my fa-
ther on the lips when we greet
each other. And I am gay.
I am every bit a man. I think,
however, that what people did to
me was tragic. As a gay little boy
and young man, I was not pro-
tected and felt very much alone.
While there are anti-Semitic
and homophobic people in this
world who might see me as twice
cursed, I see myself as twice
blessed.
I am proud to be a gay Jewish
man. 0

In many homes,
the highlight of
the Passover
seder is not the
festive meal or
the afikomen
search — it's
the questioning.
From why this
night is differ-
ent from all other nights to the
four sons (or four daughters, de-
pending on which Haggadah is
utilized), children are encour-
aged to interact with their el-
ders in spirited discussion.
Yet after the seder, the chil-
dren's inquisitive questioning of
their parents often goes unful-
filled, suppressed by busy work
schedules, a crush of extracur-
ricular activities and the om-
nipresent glow of the television
tube.
We rely heavily on profes-
sional educators to provide back-
ground, and answers, on
questions ofJudRic content. Isn't
that why we send our children
to Sunday school, afternoon He-
brew school or day school?
There's so much to learn in so
little time.
But that inquisitiveness, that
thirst for answers, is not limit-
ed solely to their Judaism. Most
are interested in the world
around them, their neighbors.
Unfortunately, they have even
fewer opportunities to get an-
swers. The result? Mispercep-
tions. Misunderstanding.
Distrust.
Into this void comes Holly-
wood, according to the Rev.
James Lyons, who directs the
Ecumenical Institute for Chris-
tian-Jewish Studies.
The images on the screen,
from The Thorn Birds to The Ex-
orcist, often are the foundation,
and depth, of their knowledge.
Each year, the Rev. Lyons di-
alogues with middle-school-aged
Jewish children about Chris-
tianity. His belief is that the
more we appreciate and under-
stand our respective heritages,
the stronger it will make our re-
spective religions. He believes
that as Jews, we ought to know
why our neighbor is excited
when her child is about to be

baptized. We should know how
our neighbor thinks so we can
better understand the society in
which we live.
The Rev. Lyons is impressed
with the questions posed by our
children. Here's a recent sam-
pling:
— Can Christians convert
within their faith, for example,
from Baptist to Methodist or
Lutheran?
— When one confesses, is he
easily forgiven? Does confession
automatically mean forgive-
ness?
— Does the Christian religion
encourage free thought or does
it expect blind faith?
— What are the basic views
of life after death? Do the Protes-
tant and Catholic views dif-
fer?
— Why can't priests marry?
What are the different levels of
clergy?
— What does the pope do?
— Define a "Jew for Jesus."
— What is Lent? Ash Wed-
nesday? What is the real mean-
ing of Easter?
It is unreasonable to expect
Hebrew schools and Jewish ed-
ucators to provide the answers
to these, and other questions,
posed by our children. Their
time is already scarce doing the
basics. And most parents don't
know the answers either, even
if we had time around the din-
ner table.
Have we thought about invit-
ing our Christian neighbor and
her family for coffee? What if we
asked her the list of questions
posed by our children? What if
her family brought a list of ques-
tions they had about Judaism?
What if the dialogue continued
and the circle of knowledge
widened?
Inquisitiveness and ques-
tioning may reach its peak every
year at the Passover seder. But
it doesn't have to end with the
last song in the Haggadah — or
be limited to Judaism and our
children. We expect our Christ-
ian neighbors to know about Ju-
daism and are offended or hurt
when they don't. We shouldn't
expect less of ourselves, or our
children. 0

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