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had I had sex with him in the
last week? Howard's questions
came in rapid-fire succession.
No, I never had a nose job.
Yes, I am married. No, I am
not a yenta. My husband's an
attorney, and I prefer not to
answer the last question. And
for your information, I was
born a Catholic and converted
to Judaism.
Ooops. Why did I say that?
So, you have had sex with-
in the past week. You aren't
a real Jew.
I am, Howard, believe me, I
said.
Well, you're not a real Jew,
he insisted. Let me quiz you.
What is Yom Kippur? he
asked. I told him. What is a
sukky? A what! A sukky, you
know, a sukky. A sukkah?
Yeah. I told him it was an out-
door structure built without a
roof used during Sukkot.
You know, said Robin Quiv-
ers, his on-air cohort, it's the
fruit stand.
Then he uttered something
I think may have been Yid-
dish. I had no idea what he
said and told him so.
Robin asked if I had ever
gone to the mikvah, to which
I said yes. Howard didn't know
what a mikvah was, so Robin
erroneously told him it was a
milk bath. Howard asked if I
had psoriasis.
Finally, I redirected the
questioning to Howard, asking
him his impressions of Detroit.
He said he hated it, that he
had lived in Southfield among
"a lot of Jews," that he had
once been egged on a Windsor
stage as he introduced a band.
He also said he didn't miss

digging his car out of the snow
after winter storms.
They have those storms in
New York, I reminded him.
Yeah, but I have someone to
dig my car out now, he said.
With that line exhausted, I
handed the microphone back
to the moderator. My moment
with Howard had passed, but
not before he reminded me
that if the Nazis reappeared
I could go back to my Catholi-
cism and get off the hook by
claiming I had just wanted to
boff a Jewish lawyer.
He moved on to grinding an
Oakland Press reporter and
her editor into the carpet be-
fore ending the press confer-
ence.
I was impressed by the re-
sponse I got after the airplay.
I received phone calls from peo-
ple in New York, LA and Den-
ver. My brother e-mailed me
to say a friend had listened to
the broadcast and wanted to
meet me. Friends I hadn't spo-
ken to in months left long voice
mail messages saying how cool
I was.
Although I sincerely doubt
I will ever hear from Howard
again, my moment with him
will be one I will treasure. For
now, I will have to settle with
tuning in every morning, stuck
in traffic and laughing the
whole time. ❑

Howard Stern can be heard
on 97.1 WYST-FM Monday
through Friday, 6-10 a.m.
His autobiographical movie,
Private Parts, based on his
1993 best-selling book of the
same name, opens today in
area theaters.

Above:
Howard Stem portrays himself as a
1970s Detroit disc jockey for W4, a
station that suddenly converts to a
country format, in the
autobiographical Private Parts,
opening today in area theaters.

Below:
The wedding of Howard and Alison
(Mary McCormack) Stern is recreated
in Private Parts.

Howard Stem celebrates at a New York rally honoring his show's ascent to the top of
the ratings in Private Parts.

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