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Can we please put an end to this age-old masochism?

JILL DAVIDSON SKLAR STAFF WRITER

—i

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bridesmaids had beat me to it. I
was left to unwrap the gifts and
hand them to her to open as the
guests 000h'd and aaah'd.
To kill the pain of having to
go through this for two hours (I
am not joking), I mentally de-
tached myself from the festivi-
ties and began making a list of
suggestions for future brides:

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61

DECISIONS. DECISIONS. DECISIONS.

Advice for the Bride:

W

ould somebody please
tell me why it is that
women want to inflict
slow, painful torture
on each other? Why, when an-
other woman is about to cele-
brate the happiest day of her
life, do we sadistically make
each other suffer by forcing each
other to attend bridal showers?
Can't we just send gifts to
her? Why do we have to sit
through at least three to four
hours of shear boredom, passing
the time with mindless games
for useless gifts?
I was pondering these ques-
tions as I attended yet another
bridal shower a few months ago.
A friend of mine asked me to
stand up for her so I was oblig-
ated to go to the shower. I have
yet to ask why.
It was one of those massive
bridal showers held at a hall
where, as a member of the herd,
I was led to a table decorated in
pink, the color of her brides-
maids' dresses. There were pink
plastic plates, pink napkins,
pink cups, pink ribbons and pink
candles to lend a bit of at-
mosphere to the Pepto-
Bismal decor.
There I grazed on a
"ladies lunch" consisting
of a piece of lettuce, two
ounces of tuna salad, a
wedge of cantaloupe and
punch. At first, I had
hoped that I could make
a break for the exit after
devouring the scanty lunch, but
before the presents were opened.
Sadly, I noticed all of the other

Jill Davidson Sklar never had a

bridal shower.

1. Don't play games. They are
never fun and generally belittle
the intelligence of the guests. In
addition, they bring out
the competitive nature
in women, turning nor-
mally sedate gals into
savages who battle for
a cheap bag of potpour-
ri.

2. Serve some food.

Okay, I admit it. I am
the one in the back of
the room licking the plate clean.
Is there some unwritten rule
about bridal showers that say
you can't serve more than a sal-
ad? I am starving by the 1 p.m.
feeding and a salad just won't do
it.

3. Don't have bridesmaids
open your gifts for you. Peo-

ple spend time picking out the
right paper and ribbon and care-
fully wrapping the packages for
you to tear apart, not your
bridesmaids.
One shower I went to solved
this dilemma. The party givers
suggested that
people package
the gifts in
garbage bags and
spend the money
they would have
spent on wrap-
ping paper on
something for the
newly married
couple's pantry.
The unwrapping was quick and
by the end of the shower the
bride had enough basic staples
to stock her entire pantry for
well over a year.

4. Don't pretend you are go-
ing to keep duplicates. No-

body does. That is what store
return policies are for.
My sister once got two coffee
pots at one of her three showers.
"Look," she said to the guests
who were already aware that
she had opened one Mr. Coffee
machine already, "his and her
coffee makers. Now I can have
my coffee the way I like it and
he can have his." Yeah, right,
Patriae. Nobody bought it.

5. Don't, don't, don't say you
didn't expect the gifts. You

did. After all, you
registered for them,
you knew people
would buy them
and you knew that
was the shower's
purpose. Don't act
surprised, just say
thank you.

6. And don't say
thank you with a preprinted
card.

Yes, this happened to me.
After traveling to Florida to at-
tend the wedding for the above
mentioned "friend," paying for
airfare, a rental car, an expen-
sive gift, a bridesmaid outfit, I
was thanked with a reprinted
card where she filled my name
into the "Dear ," box and
signed it. I have not spoken to
her since and don't ever plan to
again.

7. Serve alcohol. Look, I gave
birth vaginally to a rather large
baby. It was less painful than
some bridal showers I have been
to. If you are going to put us
through this pain, give us some-
thing with which to numb it.
Liquor is a bonus.

8. Beep it short. We all know
we are there for the gifts, so
spare us the drudgery of drag-
ging this out. Just get us in, feed
us, open the gifts and get us out
of there. Please.

9. And for God's sake, don't
have more than one. Just get

it over with, already.

❑