I f only you imagine your
young children are
chimpanzees, it will all
make sense.
They fight, they
scream, they rebel, they
whine. This is because
they are, like chimpanzees, in
a "primitive stage of develop-
ment," according to Sonia Pone.
"And they are very acutely aware
of their dependency, of their help-
lessness."
Ms. Pone, a local psychotherapist
specializing in marital, divorce, fam-
ily and individual adult therapy,
spoke on "Sibling Rivalry: `Mom Al-
ways Liked You Best"' at a recent
breakfast meeting sponsored by
the Jewish Federation Women's
Campaign and Education De-
partment. She began by dis-
tributing a questionnaire that
asked guests to consider how
they would feel if, "Your spouse
puts an arm around you and
says, 'Honey, I love you so
much, and you're so wonderful
that I've decided to have anoth-
er wife just like you.' "
It was not a time for subtlety. One
guest called out: "I would kill him."
So imagine, Ms. Pone said, what it's like for chil-
dren when a new little brother or sister comes along.
It seems to challenge everything they know and need.
"The root of sibling rivalry lies in the very, very
strong desire of every child to have all
the attention of the parents," Ms. Pone
said. Parents are the source of every-
thing — from love to shelter — that
children need to survive. A brother or
sister means not only less space and
less toys, it means "less of Mommy and
Daddy."
Children are "black-and-white
thinkers," Ms. Pone said. When a par-
ent loses his or her temper, they don't
reason, "Dad has some neurotic issues
born by poor parenting," or "Mom had
a long day at work today, including a Sonia Pone: Child
conflict with her secretary." Similar-
ly, their responses to apparently threatening situa-
tions, like a conflict with a sibling, is likely to be, "I
hate you."
et
Rid
of
My
Brother!
Dealing with the challenges
of sibling rivalry.
ELIZABETH APPLEBAUM ASSOCIATE EDITOR
Of course, most parents aren't overly fond of
hearing their children speak this way. But Ms. Pone
cautioned the audience not to silence children when
they speak forthrightly.
When Rachel demands of her parents, "You get rid
of my brother!" don't tell her, "You're being ridicu-
lous," as this is likely to make the girl be-
lieve she's stupid. Instead, say, "I didn't
know you felt that way," or, "It must be
hard having him around all the time."
Averting sibling rivalry also requires
that Mom and Dad never compare chil-
dren, either with the goal of belittling or
praising. It's inappropriate for a parent to
say, "Your brother never put off his home-
work until the last moment!" or "Your sis-
ter never got a report card as good as this!"
Good parenting means not comparing
but speaking directly to the child's behav-
dependency. ior, Ms. Pone said. When your son throws
his coat on the ground, instead of telling
him his big brother was never a slob try remark-
ing, "I see a brand-new jacket lying on the floor. That
makes me angry. You should put it away. I like a
clean house, not a messy hall-
way."
Children deserve and need
equal treatment, Ms. Pone said.
This means understanding the
individual needs of every one
and making each understand,
"You're my only Sally (or Susan
or David or Uri) and I love each
of you uniquely."
Ms. Pone cautioned parents
never to cast children into
roles, despite their apparent tal-
ents and strengths. Encourage young
Michael to develop his math skills, but
never tell him or his sister, Lucy,
"Michael is the real math genius in our
family!" or discourage Lucy's desire to
study algebra, even though her abili-
ties in the field are limited.
"No child should be able to corner
any market of endeavor," Ms. Pone
said.
Nor should parents apply nega-
tive labels to children, such as "You
are the biggest klutz in the world!"
or "You are always too rough!" This
even holds true for that most chal-
lenging of children, the biter.
When one sibling sinks his teeth
into another, do not give the biter the atten-
tion he would so enjoy, Ms. Pone said. Instead, com-
fort the victim. "That must hurt," you can say, then
take the bitten child into another room for private
time with Mom or Dad.
Of course, even with all the preventative measures
you take, some sibling battles are inevitable. Here's
Ms. Pone's advice for handling these.
Normal bickering Ignore it.
Normal bickering moves to increased hos-
tility: Parent should intervene. Say, "You two sound
mad at each other," and listen to each child's side
of what happened. Express confidence that the chil-
dren will be able to work the problem out themselves.
A parent's role is to define and neutralize — not to
judge, Ms. Pone said.
Increased hostility moves to a potentially
dangerous situation: A parent should announce,
"I see two people about to hurt each other," and es-
tablish a cooling-off period.
The worst response, Ms. Pone said, would be to
smack one of the children at this point. "That just
shows that your way of dealing with things is vio-
lence." 0