a

k

Dating Etiquette

ules, shmules.
Who does the asking?
Mostly men. While it
may be flattering for a
woman to make the first
move, nine times out of
10 it's the guy.
Who pays? Well,
that's a bit trickier. Log-
ic would have it that the
person who asks, pays.
But the way it actual-
ly works is that most
guys say that the guy

The trick with door-opening is
that it's not a thing to discuss, nec-
essarily. "Hi. Nice to meet you.
Would you mind opening the door
before I get there?" Doesn't cut it.
If a guy thinks it's politely im-
perative to grab the door before
she does, think Nike: Just do it.
If a woman wants her date to
open the door for her, the way our
parents and grandparents did it,
all I can say is wait in front of the
door until he gets the hint. I know
it's a bit ridiculous, but how else?

w

Words of
dating wisdom:
Throw the
so-called rules
out the window
and just do
what feels
right.

pay for the first three dates and
after that it should be Dutch or
back and forth.
"Rebecca: Modern women don't
play games. Whatever happens,
happens.
"Sheri: Even the first date?
"Kara: The first date he should
definitely pay. I appreciate it when
a man pays, but then I'll offer to
buy drinks later on.
"Robyn: I think that it should
be just like you're going out with
your girlfriend. Sometimes your

•

ally feel good when they work
hard to see you.
`The Rule is that men are sup-
posed to rearrange their sched-
ules around you, pursue you, take
cabs and trains to see you ...
Friends and colleagues meet
halfway. Men (real men) pick up
women at their apartments or of-
fices for dates.
"It's not that women aren't ca-
pable of taking subways and pay-
ing for themselves. It's just
chivalrous ... for men to pick up
their dates and pick up the checks.
Equality and Dutch are fine in the
workplace, but not in the roman-
tic playing field."
Leave the first three dates to
him, they say. Down the road you
can cook him dinner at your place
or buy him a small gift (baseball
hat).
The Rulesian ladies advise that
if a woman is uncomfortable let-
ting him pick up the tab, offer to
leave the tip. "Or, if the night is
a long one — say dinner, a show
and three cab rides or parking—
pay for something small along the
way."
Nate Penn and Lawrence
LaRose take a different slant. Per-
haps lashing out against The
Rules, these guys concocted The

Code: Time-Tested Secrets for Get-
ting What You Want from Women
— Without Marrying Them! Just

LYNNE MEREDITH COHN

ILLUSTRATIO N BY MOO N YO UNG-HAN

STAFF WRITER

should always pay, no questions
asked. Some men prefer the
woman to offer some dough, but
the truth is that the men aren't
likely to accept.
As for the door situation, that
has yet to be resolved. I think it's
fair to say that half of the women
out there probably don't even give
a second thought to who should
be opening the door to the restau-
rant or movie theater. As for the
car, definitely get your own door.
But for the date destination, it's
all personal preference.

Or just open the door yourself.
Then, when you're head over heels
for each other, let him know point-
blank. By that point, awkward
has flown out the window.
In the February issue of P.O.V. ,
a magazine dubbed "the guy's sur-
vival guide," an article called "Girl
Talk" features a bunch of profes-
sional women discussing what
they really want from men. Here's
a snippet:
Who pays for the first date, and
who continues to pay?
"Tyra: I think the man should

friend says, 'Oh, it's my treat
tonight'... or it should be Dutch.
`Tyra: Whoever comes up with
the plan should pay."
Whatever you might think
about The Rules: Time-Tested Se-

crets for Capturing the Heart of
Mr. Right by Ellen Fein and Sher-

rie Schneider, here's what they
advise:
Rule No. 4: Don't meet him
halfway or go Dutch on a date.
"Men love a challenge — that's
why they play sports, fight wars
and raid corporations ... Men re-

a joke?
They write: "She's Beauty in
Jean Cocteau's Beauty and the
Beast, and her boyfriend, the
Beast, tends to interrupt their
idyllic sylvan strolls to chase down
grazing deer and devour them
alive. Simply put, she worries he's
too much of a beast for her.
"Yet at the movie's conclusion,
when the Beast is finally trans-
formed into a blandly handsome,
androgynous Prince Charming,
our radiant Beauty feels an un-
expected letdown. The Beast was
such an interesting guy."
Hands-down, the books agree:
he pays, she offers, he says no-but-
thanks. They all give the nod to
picking up a small expense on a
date (cab fare, tip) where he pays
the big tab.
Here's what Paul Millman and
`The Guys" have to say about dat-
ing etiquette in Buy Book Get Guy:

The Sometimes Politically Incor-
rect, but Always Truthficl, Guide
to Men, Women and Dating:

If a guy pays, thank him. Duh.
"If you ask him out, be prepared
to pay for the date. (You probably
won't have to.) There is no down-
side to offering to pay your share."

