Couplehood

Judaism considers sex to be a ve-
hicle for holiness, in the appro-
priate situation, writes T
Aiken
in To Be A Jewish Woman (Jason
Aronson Inc.).
"Physical intimacy between a
husband and wife is metaphysi-

drunk or when the couple has
been in a fight.
Rabbi Silberberg says the ob-
servance of Judaism forces a cou-
ple to spend a great deal of time
together. Those who fully keep
Shabbat and the holidays — who

working only on the emotional
part of their relationship.
Those laws bar husband and
wife from having sex during the
woman's menstrual period plus
seven days thereafter. The woman
must immerse in a mikvah before

PHOTO BY G LENN TRIEST

W

hether you're Re-
form, Conservative,
Orthodox — or some-
where in between —
the observance of Judaism un-
doubtedly impacts the relation-
ships you have. From wedding
traditions to the observance of
taharat ha'mishpachah (laws of
family purity), Judaism provides
a how-to — but no guarantees —
for couples who want to stay to-
gether, happily.
At the most basic level, "when
two people have the same ulti-
mate set of values they learn to
appreciate one another," says Rab-
bi Elimelech Silberberg of Bais
Chabad of West Bloomfield. "Love
is a result of appreciating some-
one."
The Jewish concept of yihud
(the requirement that a bride and
groom spend time alone together
immediately after the wedding
ceremony) comes from a root that
means both aloneness and to-
getherness.
"No matter how much we are
partners in this new marriage, we
will always be our individual
selves. No matter how alone each
of us may feel, we will always have
each other," according to an essay
on the holiness of matrimony by
Rabbi Debra Orenstein.
Relationships, being "difficult
encounters," can only benefit
when both partners bring the
same religious background, says
Rabbi Joshua Bennett of Temple
Israel in West Bloomfield. Cele-
brating Jewish rituals together, a
couple can bring spirituality into
their relationship, he says.
"That's not to say that an [in-
termarried] couple is doomed to
failure, because I think you can
learn to celebrate family tradi-
tions, Jewish rituals," he says.
Jewish law extensively ad-
dresses the role of sex in marriage.

Rabbi Elimelech Silberberg: Love is a
result of appreciating someone.

Rabbi Joshua Bennett: Jewish rituals
can bring spirituality into a
relationship.

cally understood to parallel the
male and female attributes of
God," she writes.
The Torah instructs as to the
timing and conditions that must
be met for sexual relations be-
tween a married couple.
"Maimonides says that when
the man is ready for intimacy, he
must make sure that his wife's
feelings are similar to his. He
should not try to arouse her too
quickly. He should make sure that
she is sexually satisfied before he
achieves his satisfaction," writes
Ms. Aiken.
The Torah also prohibits sexu-
al relations when one partner is

do not drive, watch TV or talk on
the phone during that time —
spend full 25-hour and 48-hour
chunks of time together.
Couples who share Jewish tra-
ditions and rituals find that doing
so serves "as a positive feature in
their relationship, a common
bond, a strengthening bond," says
Rabbi Elliot Pachter of Congre-
gation B'nai Moshe in West
Bloomfield.
That "doesn't mean that obser-
vant couples stay married longer
than others, but it's certainly a
source of tension in homes where
one partner is more observant
than the other," says Rabbi
Pachter.
With the laws of family purity,
the Torah commands couples to
spend certain periods of time

Rabbi Debra Orenstein: Yihud— both
aloneness and togetherness.

In many ways,
the observance of
Judaism affects
how couples
relate to one
another.

LYNNE MEREDITH COHN
STAFF WRITER

the couple can resume relations.
Rabbi Silberberg says that
while "the reason for taharat
mishpachah is the will of God,"
there are benefits. "Through this
period of abstinence and the ul-

timate coming together, every
month becomes a sort of honey-
moon ... as we know, absence
makes the heart grow fonder."
When a couple abstains from
physical contact, they could work
on relating intellectually and emo-
tionally, the rabbi notes.
Taharat mishpachah "teaches
that sex should not be enjoyed
simply because it feels good ... We
are to sanctify the world and re-
late to one another as people
rather than as objects," writes Ms.
Aiken.
"The restrictions concerning
sexuality are not negative; they
allow human passion, human sex-
uality to be a place of holiness,"
writes Marais Friedman in Doesn't
Anyone Blush Anymore? (Bais
Charm Press).
The Torah also details a man's
sexual obligations toward his wife
— depending on a man's health
and profession (for example,
Torah scholars are only obligated
once a week because Torah learn-
ing diminishes their strength, ac-
cording to Ms. Aiken).
"A woman is allowed to pre-
vent her husband from pursuing
a trade that is not nearby in or-
der that he not be prevented from
fulfilling his sexual obligations
to her. He may not go away ex-
cept with her permission," writes
Ms. Aiken.
Rabbi Arnie Sleutelberg of
Congregation Shir Tikvah in Troy
says that a couple's relationship
can be enhanced when surround-
ed "by a loving and caring ex-
tended family [or] congregation."
As well as the life-cycle rituals
that take place in a synagogue, a
congregation can provide marital
and child-rearing support. "That
kind of support has to strengthen
the opportunities and potential
for longevity of the marriage," says
Rabbi Sleutelberg. ❑

The Day Of Love's Long History

The current
incarnation of
Valentine's Day
has its roots
in a
Roman festival
of fertility.

JILL DAVIDSON SKLAR STAFF WRITER

long time ago, in a land
way far from here, a
festival celebrating
Ain ating and love was
the thing to do, the place to be for
at least part of the month of Feb-
ruary.
And it had nothing to do with
the Roman Catholic saint named
Valentine.
Although the original festival
— Lupercalia — was celebrated
by Romans, its modern incarna-
tion is a day of love and romance
widely observed in several cul-
tures, in numerous countries, by
millions of people.
In ancient Rome where it all
began, people gathered during
the month of February to pay

homage to Lupercus, a pastoral
god at times associated with
Faunus. Faunus, a creature con-
sisting of the top half of a man
and the bottom half of goat, is the
Roman mythological parallel of
the similar looking Greek god
Pan, a lustful wilderness being
who allegedly could summon
flocks of young maidens by play-
ing his flute.
Juno, queen of the Roman
gods and the goddess of the
moon, was also honored during
the festival. According to the Il-

lustrated Dictionary of Greek and
Roman Mythology, her associa-

tion with the moon later led her
to be related in some interpreta-
tions with the sexual life of

women as well as minor god-
desses of marriage and child-
birth.
During the festival, youngsters
ran through the festival grounds,
wearing nothing but belts made
of animal skin and striking any-
thing in their path with strips of
goat hide in a rite of fertility.
Another part of the celebration
included the placing of all maid-
ens' names in an urn. Putting
their fate in the hands of the
gods, young men would select a
name from the urn and be joined
with that maiden for the next
year, in the hopes that the cou-
ple would fall in love and marry.
As Christianity began to make
its way through the Roman coun-

tryside, it found many converts.
But many other potential Chris-
tians found it hard to give up the
pagan festival of Lupercalia and
all of the merrymaking that went .
with it.
In part in an attempt to ap-
pease those so attached to the
February festival, the early
Church adopted a day in the mid-
dle of the month as the feast of
St. Valentine, patron saint of
lovers.
Historically, not much is
known about Valentine, the man.
Some sources say he was a physi-
cian, others a priest, and some
say he was a priest who became
a bishop.
DAY OF LOVE page 58