Remember Those
Homemade Valentines?

gans and wives," he claims. "It's
like Mother's Day if you're not a
mother, or Thanksgiving if you
are a turkey."
"Lemme make sure I under-
stand, Herb; kinda like the
Fourth of July if you're a water-
melon or hot dog?"
TED ROBERTS SPECIAL TO THE JEW SH NEWS
"You got that right," says Her-
hy are women blessed make sure you're up. It chimes bie.
Herb swears the last time he
with Post-Mikvah Syn- off-key. On the half hour, it plays
drome — socially ac- "Hatikvah" loudly. Why didn't got a present on Valentine's Day
ceptable depression — she just buy the kids a drum was in third grade when Char-
lotte Greenberg drew his name
anytime the sink stops up, or the set?" wails Herb.
in the Hebrew
world's will rebels against
Herb spends
school class lottery
theirs?
January and Feb-
and sent him a dis-
"Yeah," says my good friend ruary taking back
count coupon for a 5-
Herb. "Why shouldn't a man such gifts and
pound box of
have the same privileges as a working on his tax
chocolates instead of
woman? Why can't we be cranky strategy which
a valentine, and a
and irritable and have a nice cry is basically to pay
mailing sticker with
sometimes? Aren't we human, less in taxes than
her address.
too?
the homeless and
I thought of Miss
Won't a husband bruise if a avoid a "federal
Crump, my sixth-
wife kicks him? Won't he starve correctional insti-
grade teacher, who
if she doesn't feed him? Won't he tution." He means
democratized our
freeze if she pulls the blankets jail. "And jails have lousy Jew-
over to her side of the bed? And ish libraries," adds Herb. "How public-school classroom. She de-
why can't he have a splitting many crooks wanna read Pirkei creed that all valentines had to
be homemade. Some of the rich
headache and go upstairs when Avot?"
his in-laws come over?"
"Why do men gotta be so kids the year before had bought
Herb's still upset over darned strong?" he moans. He 5-cent valentines instead of 2-
Chanukah. His mother-in-law, says this a lot in February when centers. Goes to show you how
the Duchess of Discounts, gave there isn't a vacation or holiday the rich are different from the
him a grandfather clock. "It's a in sight except for Valentine's rest of us. They're smarter.
factory reject," says Herb. "It al- Day, which he hates since he Those rich kids knew the way to
ways adds a couple of extra never gets a present. He calls it a gal's heart was through her
bongs after midnight just to a heathen holiday. "It's for pa- pocketbook.
My teacher, however, wanted

W

—

Wh y do they
remember that
heathen
holiday?

a level playing field for our ado-
lescent romances. "Make your
own," said Miss Crump, the de-
mocrat. So everybody went home,
dug out scissors and glue pot and
asked Mama to
make a stack of
valentines.
That way,
you see, the
kids with the
most creative
mamas, not the
richest papas, got
the prettiest girls.
Even the young know cor-
ruption.
I have another Valentine's
Day memory — it's 15 years lat-
er and I'm no longer young and
innocent. I'm married and I've
learned the lesson those smart,
rich kids knew years before me;
i.e., the female of the species
goes for baubles. So, with pre-
sents to my bride, I celebrate her
birthday, Henrietta Szold's
birthday, Henrietta Szold's
aunt's birthday and even the an-
niversary of my sister-in-law's
divorce from her second hus-
band.
But as I come down the stairs
on a Saturday morning in Feb-
ruary, something's wrong.
Breakfast seems to be a place
mat, a knife and fork and a
shiny plate — no lox, no cream
cheese. The wife's climate is

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Antarctic and there's a frost on
her short replies to my questions
about her health. This is a ma-
jor storm.
Let's see, I rewarded her on
our early Febr4ary
anniversary. And
her birthday is in
November. Feb-
ruary isn't even
the right month
for Henrietta
Szold's aunt's birth-
day. Then I remember.
It's that darned heathen
holiday that Herb hates with
a passion.
So, I run to the den where
there are scissors and glue and
some old magazines full of suit-
able pictures, and I make the
fanciest homemade valentine in
town. Miss Crump would have
been proud of me. It wasn't even
sticky, and the verse was as
mushy as chocolate pudding.
If I'd been one of those rich
kids, I'd have slipped in a $20
bill. But later the wile says it's
OK. She loved the verse-. And if
she needs a $20 bill, she'll take
it out of my wallet.

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