nity is that "you're [only] two de-
grees away from knowing some-
one. It's such a tight-knit
community," she says.
Ms. Rautbort speaks from ex-
perience. She's set up a couple
of friends and also heard tales
from her clientele. A "down side
to the small community is that
people know everybody, so
they're dying to meet somebody
they haven't met before," she
says.
And let's face it — the bar is
not really a place to meet that
nice, Jewish girl or boy your
mother has been looking for you
to bring home. Even the most die-
hard bar-goer will likely admit

that it's nothing more than a
"meat market."
"For a lot of people, it's very
discouraging to try to meet peo-
ple casually, in the bar, even at
parties, where somebody sees the
surface — either they see the way
you look or your party persona,"
says Joanie Berger, 29. "So when
you have people fix you up, it's
somebody who knows each per-
son on a deeper level."
Ms. Berger is flattered when
somebody offers to fix her up.
"It means they're saying, 'I
think you're a good person, and
I think you should meet another
good person."
She adds, jokingly, "It also can

be a big, old insult when you see people assure us that they're out
the person and think, `Ohmigosh, there (just not here).
what was my friend thinking?"
Since Detroit is more of a big
Another plus to blind dating is small town, Ms. Berger points
that while you may be basically out that blind dating is "just kind
blind to the person with whom of to help the social life along.
you are set up, the so-called
"Also I think people are getting
matchmaker ideally knows a lit- married later, and so by the time
tle about each of you.
you are really thinking you want
"You want to know that you're to meet your soul mate, you're ex-
meeting someone who has com- hausted from dating. You want a
mon interests, yet when you ask situation where someone knows
those questions when you meet enough about both [people], so
someone casually, it's awkward," that you have at least a reason-
says Ms. Berger.
able base from which to work.".
Other cities may have more to
Ms. Berger learned firsthand
offer in terms of an active and di- that ifs best to have someone who
verse singles scene — other than knows you well arrange your
the bar. None comes to mind, but dates.

"When I was fixed up with
somebody in D.C., and we met, I
realized he was Woody Allen
without the sense of humor — I
was in for a long evening," recalls
Ms. Berger. The fix-up was engi-
neered by someone with whom
she worked at the time who did
not know her well.
Mrs. Milen agrees that it's
good advice to only let people who
know you well arrange blind
dates on your behalf — despite
the fact that she met her beshert
through people who didn't know
her well at all.
"I say, take a chance — you
never know what will happen." ❑

Mom-Initiated B

LYNNE MEREDITH COHN STAFF WRITER

S

omething changes when a
woman becomes a moth-
er. Some women experi-
ence subtle differences,
like sleeping less deeply or hav-
ing a heightened sense of con-
cern.
But for others, the change
may develop into a drastic loss
of reasoning when it comes to
finding mates for their children.
Enter the blind date.
Let's start by acknowledging
that Jewish mothers, by defini-
tion and by nature, care deeply
for their children and only want
what is they believe, truly best.
They mean well. They think
years of experiences and mis-
takes serve as examples.
All this is more than likely
true. But it's possible that con-
temporary moms, no matter how
cool they are, have forgotten the
aches and pains of dating.
The way some Orthodox Jews
do it is not entirely blind: they
do extensive research about each

other (from family background
to friends to long-term life goals)
before ever meeting. Not a bad
idea.
Theoretically, blind dates
sound great. The assumption
goes that someone who knows
you both can objectively put
you together. What better way
to meet a potentially terrific
mate?
But in the real world, it
doesn't always work that way.
My first blind date, at the age
of 21, was arranged, by a woman
for whom. I baby-sat three times.
Her heart was in the right place,
but I think even she would agree
that we didn't know each other
well
She set me up with her caus:in,
who was 10 years older than L
We may have been a great cou-
ple down the road — if we had
met at the right time.
But at the time of the date we
were worlds apart. As he bought
baby presents for his friends, I

bought $1 pitchers at Rick's in
Ann Arbor.
The key to successful blind
dates is the person who does the
pairing. Jewish mothers (espe-
cially your Jewish mother) are
not always the best resources for
the simple reason that they are
too biased. (Exception: If you are
friends with a woman who has
children but views you as a peer,
the rule does not apply.)
To well-meaning moms, every
successful, college-educated,
"nice-looking" professional Jew-
ish man who combs his hair
looks like a catch. What they
may forget is a simple element
called chemistry.
Sure, my parents met on a
blind date. But they clicked im-
mediately. That initial attrac-
tion and seemingly endless
conversational connection is es-
sential.
Chemistry is not a commodi-
ty you can eventually obtain.
While attraction can be one-

sided, chemistry, by definition,
must be felt by both parties. And
no matter how good the match-
maker, he/she cannot know
whether two people will connect.
Blind dates are not to be ruled
out entirely. They are just to be
undertaken with extreme cau-
tion. Here are a few rules:

Be wary of matchmakers,
It seems to be a Jewish thing
to want to fix people up and
marry them of Life is to be lived
in couples. That's the Jewish
way.
While most Jews want to see
their friends happy in pairs, not
all can pick the best matches.
Hold out for someone who knows
your tastes and interests.

Opt for lunch.
First date anxiety? Schedule
a quick meeting over lunch — or
better yet, downgrade to coffee.
That way, if you like each oth-
er you can move on to dinner, a

movie, marriage.

Avoid fix-ups with people 20
years older or younger.
rd like to say even an age dif-
ference of a dozen years. Geller-
ally, such a' huge age gap doesn't
work. Its the Oedipus complex
or a mid-life crisis in the works.
Not a great situation to be in. Es-
pecially if you want to meet
someone at relatively the same
life stage as you
It's like Billy Crystal said in
When Harry Met Sally Charlie
Chaplin may well have been 75
when he became a father, but he
was too old to pick up the baby.

Trust your instincts,
Perhaps the most important
advice is to go with your g-ut. If
the initial phone conversation
tends toward the awkward, or
lapses into stressful silences,
chalk it up to experience. Why
waste your time {or someone
else's)? C:1

