The Scene

Matchmaker, Matchmaker

H

oney, have I got a heimish
person for you!
For every Jewish couple,
there are probably three
stories of how they met: the
woman's, the man's and the ver-
sion from the person who set
them up.
In the Orthodox community,
dating has its own traditions. The
most from individuals often en-
list the help of a shadchen, or pre-
fessional matchmaker, while
other matches are often made
around Shabbat tables or at
Shabbatons for singles.
If you see a couple avidly chat-
ting in the lobby of the Kingsley
Inn or the Townsend, they may
have just met for the first time.
In warmer months, Detroit's
Orthodox stroll along the dirt
paths of Greenfield Village or
Kensington — anywhere quiet,
where they can talk, get to know
each other.
Miriam Shear has arranged
many matches—in fact, 10 cou-
ples have made it down the aisle
thanks to Mrs. Shear. But not
everyone finds their beshert
through a matchmaker.
If you're between 19 and 24,
a parent's friend might suggest a
match rather than a shadchen,
says Bayla Jacobovitz, director of
the women's division of Machon
L'Torah, the Jewish Learning
Network.
But regardless of whether they
meet through a family friend or
official matchmaker, an Ortho-
dox pair comes to their first date
with an enormous amount of
knowledge about each other.
"Both sets of parents do
extensive research, knowing
what their child wants and
needs," says Mrs. Jacobovitz.
A middle person or rela-
tive calls people in the po-
tential mate's community,
yeshiva and synagogue.
They speak to friends, rela-
tives and rabbis to discern
that person's goals and lev-
Where did the system of Orthodox dating come from?
"Orthodox dating traditions are based on the biblical story of el of observance.
Finally, the prospective
Eliezer, sent by Abraham, to find a wife for Isaac. Found in Gen-
esis, Parashat Chaye Sarah, the story goes that Isaac's mate had couple tell the middle person
to be a worthy successor to his mother; she had to be a matri- whether they want to meet.
Rabbi Alon Tolwin, edu-
arch of the Jewish people.
Eliezer was not looking for a wealthy bride for Isaac. He want- cational director of the De-
ed someone of modest means who was exceptionally consider- troit office of Aish HaTorah,
ate. As a test, Eliezer asked for some water to drink. The right a Jewish educational pro-
bride would be the girl who gave water to him and also to his gram, met his fiancee
camels.
through a mutual friend.
As Bayla Jacobovitz, director of the women's division of Ma- Rabbi Tolwin, who is di-
chon L'Torah, says, "This is pretty much a system that's been vorced, did not want to go
through a professional shad-
working for thousands of years." Hey, you never know. U
chen.
While most people "are

The Good Ole Days

Orthodox dating traditions
date back to biblical times.

52

very well-intended," Rabbi Tol-
Dr. Schare, \kilo is txtal teshu.
win says he only wanted people mit ("returning" to traditional4
who know him well to arrange a daism), says it is not hard to meet
match.
someone Orthodox in Detroit-
Orthodox couples report back but the community is small, and
to a middle person, regarding most single girls are tooyoung for
whether they want to meet again, him.
until the third or fourth date, says
And then there are the rules,
Mrs. Jacobovitz. After that,
Potential couples meeting
they're on their own.
public setting, and they do not
"When you date in the Ortho- touch —"not even holding hands,
dox community, you don't date until marriage," says Mrs. Shear,
around," says Mrs. Shear. Or-
"Nothing is blurred or confused
thodox dating has a purpose: by the physical component. Mix
marriage.
physical experiences are plea-
With that in mind, a courting surable [but) can blind you tothe
relationship can last "anywhere person.
from six to 30 dates, one month
"Does there have to be physi-
to a few months," says Mrs. Ja- cal attraction? Absolutely. But
cobovitz.
don't act on it until you're roar-
Mrs. Shear met
ri ed."
her husband through
Still, Detroit has
a shadchen, but she
an Orthodox singles
admits that finding
scene — albeit, a
someone's beshert is
small one.
not easy.
For older singles,
In her opinion,
some ba'ale teshu-
the biggest mistake
vah, widowsissid.
singles make is com-
owers or divorces.
placency. "They des-
twice-yearly Shah-
perately want to get
batons can provide
married, but don't do
a way to meet. The
the right things. It's
next one is set for
all positioning."
Feb. 14-16 in West
Many of Detroit's
Bloomfield.
"official" matchmak-
About 100 single
ers have backed
adults attend, and
away from the task,
an average of about
she says. "It's time- LYNNE MEREDITH COHN four marriages are
STAFF WRITER
consuming, a thank-
made from each
less job and very
Shabbaton, says
expensive" due to long-distance Mrs. Shear.
phone calling, around the globe,
Elizabeth Siegel, 30, met her
to find the right match.
fiance, Danny Siporin, 31, at the
Even Mrs. Shear has cut back. Labor Day weekend Shabbaton.
"I have had some — very few — The Grand Rapids native is get-
come forward and offer to pay for ting married Feb. 9, with one of
calls." But she does not take pay- the sheva brachot planned dur-
ment for arranging a match, 'just ing the upcoming Shabbaton.
the mitzvah."
(Sheva brachot are parties given
Typically, both families will for a week after the wedding, in
give a gift thanking the middle honor of the bridal couple.)
person for making the match,
Ms. Siegel grew up Conserv-
says Mrs. Jacobovitz.
ative and became Torah-obser -
Joseph Selesny, 24, and Dr. vant about nine years ago.
Mark Schare, 44, do not date in
"In the secular world, there is
Detroit. Both men live in South- so much game-playing — Ortho-
field and travel to New York, dox women seemed to have sta-
Toronto, Cleveland, Chicago to ble husbands, stable children,"
meet potential mates.
she says.
"rm an Orthodox Zionist, so I
Although Ms. Siegel and Mr.
only go out with girls who want Siporin are Chasidim, she says
to make aliyah," says Mr. Se- the Shabbaton attracted Jews
lesny. He finds it hard to find Or- from a variety of observance lev-
thodox girls from Detroit who els.
want to move to the Jewish state.
Still, says Rabbi Tolwin, "You
The Akiva Hebrew Day School really don't find, even in the mod-
and Yeshiva University gradu- ern Orthodox community, a sin-
ate has never used a shadchen. gles scene like you do in the
Instead, he relies on friends to set non-Orthodox world."
him up.

Detroit's
Orthodox
learn a lot of
personal
history before
going on a
first date.

.