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I don't mean that negatively. I
just don't find it the ideal solu-
tion. A lot of those marriages
are among the finest marriages.
What I try to say to couples
when they come in is, Try to be
aware of the problems you will
face.' "
In acknowledging the diffi-
culties that will arise or may
arise in the coming weeks, Mrs.
Stettner offers several tips for
interfaith couples.
"It is important for each
spouse to understand what the
husband's or wife's holidays re-
ally represent," she said.
Also important, she said,
is to maintain a sense of hu-
mor when dealing with this
potentially sensitive issue.
Holiday times and life-cy-
cle events, Mrs. Stettner
said, are notorious for cre-
ating stress. Even if a cou-
ple decides to celebrate one
holiday over the other, there
is still the potential for dis-
sension from outside the
home.
Parents often feel pres-
sure from extended family
who are upset their grand-
children or relatives aren't
being raised within their re-
ligion.
"If parents have taken the
time to negotiate the rules
prior to their marriage, then
they will have an easier
time around the holidays,"
said Sandra Hyman of Jew-
ish Family Service. "The
biggest source of discomfort
tends to be among the
grandparents. They wish to
continue their traditions but
are reluctant to step on any-
one's toes."
Sharon McDermott's in-
laws are devout Catholics.
While they like their daugh-
ter-in-law and respect her
religion, they are saddened
that their son didn't marry
a Christian woman.
"We don't talk about religion
too much with them," said Mrs.
McDermott, of Troy. "Because
[my husband] Patrick consid-
ers himself agnostic, and he did
when I married him, his par-
ents don't blame me for having
changed him."
Since the McDermotts got
married almost 15 years ago,
they've gone to Syracuse every
year to spend Christmas with
Mr. McDermott's parents.
"Grandparents provide us
with an opportunity out of this
dilemma," said Rabbi Josh Ben-
nett of Temple Israel. "I think
grandparents are the easy way
for an interfaith couple to
choose one tradition in their
home and help their child un-
derstand his other parent's tra-
dition by celebrating it with
grandparents. Then a child can
easily see the distinction be-
tween what's in our home and
what's in theirs."
and ultimately forces them to
choose between mom and dad.
"Once you bring it [a second
religion] into the home, it's con-
fusing to the kids," Mrs. Stet-
tner said. "It's not easy and it
involves a tremendous amount
of stress to negotiate and im-
plement this, but it's important
for the sake of the children. Par-
ents try out both [religions] be-
cause they don't understand the
impact on the children."
Added Ms. Hyman ofJFS, "Is
it possible to have a menorah
and a tree? I certainly would
not be the one to say ifs not pos-
sible, but studies
Rabbis and others
Sharon and Patrick
have shown kids do
who work closely
McDermott decided to
with interfaith cou- raise their children in a better when they
Jewish home.
have a clear-cut
ples advise against
identity. Within the
bringing both reli-
gions into a home. Although identity, ifs important that they
many interfaith parents want respect the part of their roots
to give their children the op- not being identified with."
The McDermott children —
portunity to choose a faith when
they get older, experts say it be- Sean, 7, and Shayla, 4 — un-
comes difficult for the children derstand they are Jewish and
their grandma and grandpa are
Catholic. Christmas celebra-
tions are reserved for their
grandparents' house while
Chanukah is observed in their
own home. They attend Sunday
school at Temple Beth El
through the Stepping Stones
program, and they will eventu-
ally celebrate their b'nai mitz-
vah.
Growing up, Mr. McDer-
mott's family placed a tremen-
dous emphasis on Christmas.
Even though he and his wife
made the decision to raise their
children Jewish, Sharon asked
him if he wanted to continue
celebrating Christmas in their
home.
"It was hard for him to give
up Christmas," Mrs. McDer-
mott said. "But, he felt strong-
ly about only bringing one
religion into our home. I think
he misses the discussion of San-
ta and the parts of Christmas
that are fun for kids. I kept say-
ing, 'Are you sure you don't
want a tree?' He didn't want it.
We're the only people on our
street without Christmas dec-
orations."
The McDermotts display
their menorah near the window
and hang up some Chanukah
decorations inside their home.
Sean and Shayla receive pre-
sents each night, but the gifts
are small and tend to be edu-
cational.
Each night of Chanukah,
they light their candles and say
the blessings. Before the can-
dles burn out, the McDermotts
turn off the lights to watch the
candles and try to guess which
one will burn out first and
which will burn the longest.
Much of the way they cele-
brate Chanukah today mirrors
the way Mrs. McDermott cele-
brated as a child growing up in
Brooklyn. Some of her most
vivid memories are related to
the family menorah. Her chil-
dren are the fourth generation
to light it.
Although interfaith families
are advised to choose one reli-
gion, and many do, the com-
mercialization of Christmas
blurs some boundaries. Even
the ministers are preaching to
keep Christ in Christmas be-
cause they want to desecular-
ize the holiday, said Rabbi
Dannel Schwartz of Temple
Shir Shalom.
"Christmas is alluring. Think
about the music at Christmas
and Chanukah. Christmas mu-
sic is deeper than "I Had a Lit-
tle Dreidel." But many people
don't understand there is a re-
ligious significance associated
with everything, including the
red and green colors."
Mrs. Laverdiere and Mrs.
McDermott agree Christmas
has become an Americanized
holiday. Mrs. Laverdiere said
Santa made a yearly visit to her
Jewish home when she was
growing up.
Mrs. McDermott remembers
sitting on a department store
Santa's lap as a child. When the
man in the red suit asked her
what she wanted for Christ-
mas, she whispered, "I'm Jew-
ish." To which he replied, "So
am I."
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