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Shyness can be overcome
with the help of understanding
family and professionals.
FRANK PROVENZANO SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH NEWS
<D,
uring the ride to
preschool, Noah was
at peace with the
world. He played
with his favorite
friend, a daffy stuffed
bear named "Captain Frisco" and
watched the passing cars.
But by the time father and
son-walked from the daycare park-
ing lot to the classroom, Noah
had attached himself to his
father like an added appendage.
Only screams and tears could sep-
arate the two.
It wasn't the first day of school.
On the contrary, it's like this near-
ly every day.
At 4-years-old, Noah is consid-
ered "painfully shy." But in many
ways, he's acting out what many
children and adults feel when faced
with unfamiliar circumstances:
pounding heart, speeding pulse,
butterflies swarming in the stom-
ach.
Nearly 50 percent of Americans
have some shyness, an increase
from 40 percent in the ground-
breaking 1975 study by Philip Zim-
bardo.
Some infants may be born with
a temperament that predisposes
shyness, while many people
become shy as a result of feeling
uneasy, lacking self-esteem or con-
fidence.
Midge Stulberg, a Bloomfield
Hills resident, recalled when her
son, Michael, was labeled with-
drawn during nursery school and
first, grade. As the fourth of five chil-
Michael
dren, Mrs. Stulberg said
Stulberg
her son was less as- gets a hug
sertive than the others.
from his
His quiet demeanor was
mom,
Midge.
misjudged by some of his
preschool teachers.
Realizing that a series
of ear infections hindered her son's
hearing and speech development,
Mrs. Stulberg sought the assistance
of a speech therapist. In second
grade, Michael improved his enun-
ciation and his confidence grew. To-
day, at 13, Michael is an "A"
student, and a member of the cross
country, tennis and basketball
teams. He's soft-spoken, most com-
fortable around friends, but has
overcome any restrictions from be-
ing shy.
"It's pure anguish to see your
child go through it," said Mrs. Stul-
berg. "I always let him know that
there were some expectations that
we had (for his behavior), and I con-
tinually built him up. If he with-
drew when someone asked him a
question, I'd remind him that he
did know the answer, and encour-
age him."
Interestingly, the seminal work
by Dr. Zimbardo found cultural in-
fluences for shyness. Whereas
Japanese and Taiwanese students
had pervasive shyness, Jewish stu-
dents had the lowest level. The key,
according to the study, was the way
parents attribute blame or praise
in response to a child's perfor-
mance.
In Jewish terms, it's simply a
SHY page 68
Tips For Parents
1. Show respect and understanding. S3rin-
pathize with your child's shyness. Encourage
him/her to talk about their feelings. Be patient,
but be persistent.
2. Do not overprotect or overindulge. Allow
your child to experience moderate amounts of
anxiety in response to challenges. Don't rush
to your child's aid whenever there's a sign of
&stress. Gradually expose your child to new
objects, people and places. Remember; nudge,
but don't push.
3. Ease the tease. Your shy child needs ex-
tra attention, comfort and reassurance after
being teased and more encouragement to de-
velop positive self=reg
4. Help build friendships. Invite playmates
over to help your child gain experience playing
with different children.
5. Talk to teachers, Make sure a teacher
doesn't mistake your claild's shyness for lack of
intelligence.
6. Prepare your child for new experiences.
Take your child to anew school before classes
actually start. Rehearse activities to be per-
formed in new situations.
7. Fit not fight It's not as important to over-
come shyness as to find a comfort zone con
sistent with your child's shyness.
—Psychology Today, December 1995