Community Views

Editor's Notebook

Recognition Of Relationships
Could Replace Criticism

We're Growing Old,
But Not Gracefully

ALAN HITSKY ASSOC ATE ED TOR

JOE KORT SPEC AL TO THE JEW SH NEWS

As human be-
ings, we all long
for contact and
connection with
one another. We
yearn to be in
lasting adult love
relationships.
Straight or gay,
there is no differ-

ence.
As gays and lesbians we are
told, however, that our commit-
ted relationships are forbidden
and dirty. We are told that our
same-gender unions are bad and
wrong. We are the only minori-
ty on this planet who is shamed
and criticized by mainstream so-
ciety for desiring and longing to
be in a committed relationship
within our own culture. We want
nothing more than what every-
one else has: acknowledgment
and recognition that our rela-
tionships are valid.
All I have ever wanted are the
very same rights, privileges and
recognition as my sister has re-
garding her relationship. She is
legally married, wears her wed-
ding band, talks openly about her
husband, brings him to all events
and family gatherings to which
he is always invited. NO one
would think to say to her, "Hon-
ey, we don't want to hear about
your sex life, so take off that wed-
ding band; don't talk about your
husband; and don't expect to
bring him around to anything
that puts us in contact with him.
All of that just feels like you are
shoving your sexuality down our
throats."
Now, consider the situation for
me as a gay male. I, too, wear a
commitment band; expect to
bring my partner to all events
and expect that he be invited;
would someday like to have a
wedding, inviting all of our
friends and family; and I enjoy
talking about him to others.
Society tells me that I am
pushing this in people's faces and
trying to make a statement, yet
no one would ever consider my

Joe Kort is a psychotherapiSt in
private practice in Royal Oak.

sister or any other heterosexual
person as doing the same thing.
The term for this is heterosexism.
Heterosexism is the belief in
the superiority of heterosexuali-
ty and the inferiority of homo-
sexuality. It is about rights and
privileges given to heterosexuals
and denied to lesbians and gays.
It perpetuates the myth that gay
and lesbian relationships are brief
and primarily sexual rather than
affectual in nature.
We are assaulted regularly
about our sexuality. Mainstream
society tells us we are promiscu-
ous and that all we want is
anonymous sex. Then, when we
push for our monogamous rela-
tionships to be valued and legal-
ized, we are told we cannot have
them either and that we are
wrong for wanting them. It ap-
pears that people want it both
ways, and it is not fair.
It is easier to be gay or lesbian
and single than it is to be part-
nered. When single, we as a cul-
ture can be less visible. Our gay
and lesbian identity can be kept
more separate. And society is
more comfortable with it that
way, if at all.
However, when partnered, we
become more visible and sud-
denly struggle with how much to
share with others. We receive
questions about whether or not
we are bringing a date to the up-
coming bar mitzvah or wedding,
or when are we getting married.
We are asked about who our
"friend" is.
The decision to tell can be
painstaking at times and depends
on one's comfort level regarding
how to address it. Reactions to
our disclosures vary. People tend
to project their own feelings about
it onto us as a culture. If they feel
shocked, they say we are trying
to shock them for being who we
are; if they are preoccupied with
our sexual behavior, they accuse
us of being sexually preoccupied.
All we are trying to do is "be."
I am always amazed when
someone challenges me on my
wanting to be completely out and
telling people that I am partnered
with another man. While I un-

Does growing

derstand people would be more
comfortable if I were silent or
more hidden, I would not be.
I want a shower thrown for me
before my wedding; I want to put
my picture in The Jewish News
announcing my engagement and
wedding, I want a wedding to pub-
licly celebrate my love for Mike
(my partner); I want to be able to
be on Mike's insurance benefits in-
stead of paying for my own; I want
the legal Social Security benefits
I would be entitled to; I want hos-
pital visitation privileges and to
be part of decision-making should
Mike get sick or have an accident.
I do not have these rights as a sin-
gle person not legally tied to him.
If we could legally marry, none
of this would be questionable. It
does not feel like this is unrea-
sonable, yet people tell me it is.
I grow tired of being minimized
to a sexual being, and society not
being able to see past that just be-
cause I am gay. Yes, lesbians and
gays are sexual beings and have
a sexual life force. It is everyone's
birthright to have that as human
beings and to be able to embrace
it without shame. But we are all
much more.
I have a strong emotional in-
vestment in making my partner-
ship with Mike work. He is my
family, confidante, friend and also
my sexual partner, and has been
for the last four years. And I want
the world to know all of that. 1:1

6355360 @MCIMAIL . COM .

11

mat
Do You
/ Think?"

What do you think of when
you hear the word "cantor"?
How have cantors affected
your life?To respond: "So,
What Do You Think?"

To respond: "So, What Do You Think?"
27676 Franklin Road, Southfield, MI 48034

spection reports to rank nurs-
old give you ing homes throughout Michi-
pause? It wor- gan on a scale of 1 to 6 (1 being
the highest rating). Menorah
ries me.
Not growing House scored a 6; the soon-to-
older, growing be-closed Prentis Manor had a
old. Getting into 5. Heartland, the former Bor-
that period in man Hall in Detroit which still
one's life when has a few former Borman resi-
we aren't fully dents, scored a 6. Dorvin Nurs-
independent anymore, when we ing Center in Livonia, which
need a little help, or a lot of help, has some former Prentis Manor
patients, scored a 5.
in making it through the day.
Two at the bottom, two near
"Making it through the day."
That phrase doesn't have a good the bottom.
And, according to Julie
ring to it either. It infers that
one might be biding time, just Edgar's Jewish News article,
waiting for the end because the the soon-to-be-completed, pri-
purpose of one's life has passed. vately owned Danto Center in
When we reach that period in West Bloomfield, built on Jew-
our lives, where do we go? What ish Federation property, will
have only 30 Medicare/Medic-
do we do?
For decades, the Jewish com- aid beds and 130 private-pay
munity of metropolitan Detroit beds. The cost for private pay:
had a safety net for its not-so- $5,000-$6,000 per month.
Federation has sent a mes-
Well-off elderly: the Jewish
Home for Aged. Borman Hall in sage to the community: Don't
Detroit, Prentis Manor in South- get old if you're poor. And if you
field and now Fleischman Res- are poor, our only option for you
idence in West Bloomfield is 211 beds at the poorly rated
served people with a dignity Menorah House, or you can
that caused many to clamor to compete for 30 beds at the posh,
new Danto Center.
get in.
Some 241 beds for the poor-
I can remember visiting my fa-
ther-in-law's father at Borman est of our elderly — even if all
Hall. The place was sunny; well- were in top-flight facilities —
dressed residents lined the halls, seems a paltry number as the
chatting or greeting visitors, elderly population mushrooms
rushing off to activities and vis- in the future.
Is there a disparity here?
ibly enjoying themselves.
But that changed in the late Does Federation and the Jew-
1980s. Management practices ish Home for Aged have plans
and changes in state and feder- of which we are not aware?
al reimbursement policies tar- What can or will Federation do
nished the image of the Home for to ensure excellent care for Jew-
Aged. In the 1990s, state Health ish elderly at privately owned
Department inspections cited re- Federation affiliates? Or is the
Allied Jew-
peated, high-
ish Cam-
level violations
paign only
of state and
for Jewish
federal guide-
homes for
lines.
the aged in
The Jewish
Israel and in
Federation of
other over-
Metropolitan
seas loca-
Detroit poured
tions?
in millions of
Some-
dollars to fix
the problems at Borman Hall ; times I think this community
and ultimately decided that it would rather help someone
must leave the nursing home "over there," rather than one of
our own, because we would pre-
business to professionals.
So Borman Hall was sold to fer to believe that we have no
Heartland, Prentis Manor will problems here. Unfortunately,
be closed before January, and Yad Ezra, Hebrew Free Loan,
the Federation has put its faith Jewish Family Service and
and support into Menorah Jewish Vocational Service can
House in Southfield, and Fleis- show how wrong that thinking
chman and the new Danto Cen- can be.
By switching to privately run
ter in West Bloomfield.
The Detroit Free Press series homes for the aged, we are
last week on "Who Cares: Inside sweeping the difficulties of our
Michigan's Nursing Homes" and poor, elderly under someone
Julie Edgar's story today on else's rug.
I hope I'm wrong, and I hope
Page 3 of The Jewish News
our
communal leadership will
make me more than uneasy
about the Jewish elderly and the revisit this question publicly. I
don't want to grow old trying to
Jewish Federation focus.
The Free Press used state in- find the answer.

-

Swee ping the
elderly problem
under the rug.

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