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Coping With Role Reversal
Local author Harriet Sarnoff Schiff offers advice on becoming
one's parent's parent.
FRANK PROVENZANO SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH NEWS
S
omewhere after the first
child arrives and kinder-
garten, most of us realize
we've become our parents.
But fate hardly stops there.
In a sort of inverted evolu-
tionary process, many adults
find that their aging parents be-
come dependent on them as
well. Many baby boomers, who
make up the largest segment of
the population, are entering
their 50s and have parents in
their 70s and 80s. They find
themselves acting as their par-
ent's parent.
It's an increasingly common
role reversal that Harriet Sarnoff
Schiff addresses in her latest
book, How Did I Become My Par-
ent's Parent?
has the highest population of peo-
ple over 65.
As a frequent commentator
and lecturer on mourning and ag-
ing issues, Mrs. Schiffs style has
been to engage the reader in a
conversation rather than in any
formal analysis. As a result, How
that resound with practical ad-
vice about coming to grips with
a parent's diminishing capacities.
"A lot of people are writing
about aging from the standpoint
of getting older," she said. "I
wanted to write a people book
about 'adult children."
In finding a kinder, gentler
way to explore the parent-child
relationship, Mrs. Schiff coined
be transformed into a broader
"I-low to" story about children who
go through the parenting role-re-
versal.
While the book doesn't claim
to offer answers for handling es-
calating health-care costs, it does
focus on communication.
"People will discuss their stock
portfolios and their options be-
fore they'll talk about what will
happen if their parent gets ill,"
she said. "It's important to take
stronger positions when you see
your parent's health start to
change."
In her book, Mrs. Schiff offers
specific, practical steps to en-
hance better communications be-
tween a parent and a "chadult."
"We need to feel that taking
her own term for the "adult chil-
dren" oxymoron: "chadult."
Her exposure to the dilemmas
facing "chadults" began when she
served as the corporate admis-
sions coordinator for a group of
nursing homes. At the time, Mrs.
Schiff had reached a "burnout"
level as a bereavement expert
and welcomed the career change.
After running support groups
at the nursing homes, she soon
had practical understanding of
the issues facing many older
adults and their adult children.
A former reporter for The Detroit
News, Mrs. Schiff soon figured
the material and stories collect-
ed from the support groups could
care of our parents is a time to
reciprocate with love — a time to
heal wounds and for some, to for-
give."
Instead of thinking of taking
care of a parent as a financial and
emotional burden, Mrs. Schiff
suggests changing `burden" to
"responsibility."
"Look in the mirror, 'she chal-
lenges the reader. "Examine
what you think truly matters."
Quite often, parents are un-
comfortable with the role rever-
sal. "Have a family meeting and
invite an objective source, a so-
cial worker or someone else, just
so there's a serious airing of the
issues," she said. ❑
Did I Become My Parent's Par-
ent? focuses on real-life stories
Harriet Sarnoff
Schiff has built a
reputation as an
expert on
bereavement
and aging
issues.
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Floor Covering Pt-us, Inc.
2258 Franklin Road, Bloomfield Hills, MI 48302
1 block East of Telegraph, North of Square Lake Road
64
(810) 332-9430
Mon. & Wed. 9-7, Tue., Thur. & Fri. 9-6, Sat. 9-3
* previous orders excluded
Mrs. Schiff, a Birmingham res-
ident, wrote the groundbreaking
work The Bereaved Parent after
the death of her 10-year-old child,
and followed up with Living
Through Mourning. Her latest
work takes a broad view of the
challenges facing adult children
as they assume a new role.
Providing emotional, physical
and financial support to an el-
derly parent may be a common
custom in other cultures, but in
the United States, the expecta-
tions are far from clear.
Clear or not, the situation is
quickly reality to an overwhelm-
ing segment of society. After In-
dia and China, the United States
<