BACK TO SCHOOL

the Torah: one sister stealing an-
other's beloved at the altar or sell-
ing a brother into slavery. As far
back as I can remember, we've
told our children they don't have
to love each other all the time, but
they do have to remember that
they are always, always, on the
same team.
Does it work? Sometimes.
Tonight, Emma, 9, sleeps in a
nest of blankets on the floor of El-
liot's room. He leaves for camp in
24 hours and they have been in-
separable. He stowed her picture
in his duffel.
Lest you gag thinking all is
Stepford-lovely in the Darvick
house, know that from rivalry to
revelry is pockmarked with bick-
ering, tantrums, knock-down,
drag-out fights on occasion and
uneasy truces. I hear, "It's not
fair; she gets all the " and, "You
let him do everything just be-
cause he's older!"
I couldn't believe it the first
time the words, "How will nations
stop fighting if you two can't stop
sniping at each other?" left my
lips.
Parenting books say children
argue for parental attention; let
them work it out. I do my best.
Some days I want to go for
retroactive birth control. Other
days I tell myself bickering is nor-
mal. I remind myself the real pli-
ant, quiet ones become axe
murderers. Children fight. Chil-
dren are jealous of each other.
Children are afraid that someone
else is getting more.
Just as siblings help define one
another's realities when they are
young, so, too, did they provide re-
inforcement in later years. Who
else but our siblings can we speak
with to fill in our memory gaps?
year. There are as many ways to To reconstruct the different stages
bolster or weaken our children's of our lives? That's what my sis-
relationships as there are siblings ters have become for me. They are
and family constellations. And the my frames of reference. They are
longer I am a parent, the more I the shelter I retreat to when life
realize no solution is perfect and gets me down.
nothing works forever.
We will soon pick up my son on
Soon after our daughter was his way home from camp. He and
born, my mother visited. I re- his sister will hug tightly. They
member saying to her that more will sit in the back seat and com-
than anything I wanted our chil- pare notes on their summer. My
dren to be friends, especially son will give my daughter a small
since I had few memories of con- gift made at camp. She will offer
necting positively with my him a drawing, painstakingly col-
younger sisters when we were ored.
children.
He will suggest going out to eat
Her response stunned me. in a deli. She will pipe up for Chi-
"Oh, I never got along with my nese. And they will argue. "Why
sisters, so I just thought that's do we have to go where he says
how it was. I never even tried just because he's been gone?"
with you girls. I had one rule: `No "Why do we have to go where she
bloodshed.' "
wants? She's had a whole month
I recalled sibling stories from at home by herself." ❑

Rivals From
The Start?

When parents hear, "It's not fair; she gets all the ..."

DEBRA DARVICK SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH NEWS

THE DETROIT J EWISH NE WS

I

B4

hate this house. I hate
you. I hate the color brown.
I hate EVERYTHING!"
My son's declaration,
uttered soon after his sis-
ter's birth, still makes me smile.
Ever since we brought our daugh-
ter home from the hospital, I'd
been waiting for the diaper to hit
the fan.
More than once I'd caught him
pinching additional color into his
sister's rosy cheeks. Her tiny
hands, which had initially amazed
him, quickly became the object of
overzealous squeezing.
His admission to being fed up
with the whole sibling thing made
me realize that the three-year
span between them had at least
given him the developmental leap
to articulate his fury. In contrast,
one friend's toddler urinated on

the carpet when she nursed the
infant.
I comforted our son with scripts
I'd stockpiled for months: "Each
new baby makes our hearts grow
bigger. Sharing Mommy is hard.
We love you. The new baby is
lucky to be in a house with such
a great big brother."
I hugged him and then wait-
ed to see if he'd sneak in another
pinch. I knew some of what I'd
said had penetrated his jilted
heart. Elliot, now 12, went over to
his sister's cradle, rocked it gen-
tly and said, "You know, Emma?
Sometimes I'm really angry at
you. But sometimes I really love
you."
Love and anger. Add a dash of
jealousy and you pretty much
have the scaffolding so that the
structure grows stronger each

Instead Of
Pulling Out
Your Hair -

T

he words "sibling"
and "rivalry" seem
linked by magnet-
ic force. How can
parents emphasize the for-
mer and de-emphasize the
latter?
Molding sibling relation-
ships is an ongoing process,
according to Lynn Margolis,
an assistant professor' at
Wayne State University
School of Medicine's depart-
ment of psychiatry and be-
havioral neurosciences.
"Parents have to be pro-
active, not reactive. Each
sibling encounter is an op-
portunity for growth. Par-
ents can get frustrated or
they can get in there and
model positive behavior for
their children.
"Children are competitive.
Look for instances when
they are getting along and
acknowledge the positive be-
haviors.
"Jealousy is normal. Talk
about it with your children.
Help them through their
jealousy so they can move on
to more positive modes of in

M s. Margolis cautions
,,tu:.,' pt abusive behaviors.
ol-
ding. Set limits on
name callin04ain, parents
ve to settle boundaries."
*sa Eisman, a social
worker with Jewish Family
Service, admits that "being
under the same roof doesn't
necessarily mean siblings
will be best buddies. Some-
times all we can do is teach
our children to be civilized
with one another.
"The best thing parents
can do is make sure each
child is loved for his or her
own strengths. Fostering co-
operation and sharing is im-
portant, but children also
need to have some private
space, some toys or securi-
ty objects that don't have to
be shared. If parents have
been giving adequate atten-
tion to their children but
haven't been intrusive, most
siblings value each other into
adulthood."
D.D.
tist; "z=iditioido*