Nom

.

irporbe-
17.to3

hen Linda
and Geof-
frey Orbach
decided to divorce, they graded
their daughters' education as one
of their top settlement priorities.
Each wanted to be directly in-
volved with the schools and have
the other share in that involve-
ment. They were confident that
the joint commitment would be
the best way to encourage a pos-
itive attitude toward learning.
The Orbachs arranged custody
so that the girls spend one school
night a week at their father's
home. This gives him the oppor-
tunity to drive his daughters to
school the next morning, go in-
side to get to know the teachers
and be familiar with their day-
time environment.
During school programs, Mr.
Orbach, of Troy, and Ms. Orbach,
of Huntington Woods, always
sit together. This avoids the
problems faced by children
who must decide whether to
first approach Dad or Mom
after a presentation is con-
cluded.
Marilyn Hertzberg, coor-
dinator of special programs
for the Jewish Family Ser-
vice, works with divorced
couples raising children.
She recommends parents
set their feelings wide when
it comes to school activities
so that overt tensions do not
make a child wish that nei-
ther parent was included.
If anything comes up —
good or bad the Orbachs
have agreed to call each oth-
er immediately and show
the girls they have two par-
ents who care and work to-
gether.

"My former husband and I are
friends again and the teachers
know our attitude toward han-
dling school situations," said Ms.
Orbach, who attributes their
workable arrangement to going
through successful mediation.
"The mediation allowed us to talk
things through so that one of us
wasn't a winner and the other a
loser. We were able to compro-
mise."
Rabbi Karmi Gross, principal
of Akiva Hebrew Day School, said
typically, when a parent
has to be contacted, the
school calls the parent
who has custody.
"If the other parent
makes a request to be
notified as well, we will
do that," he said. "We

know that emotional stress from
situations like divorce can spill
over into the academics and that
is something we all want to avoid.
School can be stressful to any
child, whether there is a divorce
or not."
Rabbi Gross believes it is nec-
essary for both parents to be in-
volved with the discipline
associated with completing class
requirements. He thinks it's
wrong for the weekend parent to
just plan recreational activities

Parents bridge the rift for
the sake of a child's education.

SUZANNE CHESSLER SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH NEWS

and ignore the school responsi-
bilities sons and daughters face.
"We also want to avoid having
one divorced parent blame the
other for any problems that may
occur in school," he said. "This
turns the child into ammunition
for the parents' battles with each
other."
As the Orbachs planned their
custody arrangements, their ob-
jectives included making sure
they did whatever was necessary
to maintain their youngsters' es-
teem and avoid placing the girls
and their education in the mid-
dle of any disagreements the par-
ents might have.
Mrs. Hertzberg said she would
like to see more instances like the
Orbachs' amicable arrangement.
"Schools respond to whatever

parents direct them to do," said
Mrs. Hertzberg, who advises that
both parents communicate with
the schools, even if it's indepen-
dently.
"It gives children a very secure
feeling to know that both parents
are there for them," Mrs.
Hertzberg said. "Regardless of
which parent has custody, it is in
the best interest of the child if
both take an interest in school."
When hard feelings remain be-
tween divorced parents, the one
who does not have custody can
request to be placed on the
school's mailing list as a way of
being apprised of meetings, ac-
tivities or special events. The par-
ent who does not have custody
also can make arrangements to
be alerted to parent-teacher con-
ferences and emergency occur-
rences.
"By getting involved with the
school, parents get to know about
their children's current inter-
ests and friends and have ex-
periences to share and talk
about," she said. `Parenting
includes everything that
goes on at school. Even mar-
ried couples have different
ideas on parenting, and chil-
dren can learn to follow
more than one set of rules
— with regards to a time to
do homework, for example
— depending on the parent
in charge.
"Staying close to the
school keeps parents part of
their children's world." ❑

ILLUSTRATION BY ELIZABETH PRAGER

/--

Leaving
The Doorstep

