ry4Q._ The

"Just because someone calls
himself 'John Smith' doesn't
mean he is John Smith. He
could be 14 years old. He could
be elderly. He could be a
woman."
This lack of tangible informa-
tion can lead to fantasizing
about the other person, Ms.
Maheu said. While most people
generally imagine good attrib-
utes about a new love interest,
those who have had in-person
contact have reality to bring
them down a bit. Those who
haven't, don't.
Another questionable element
of on-line relationships is that
they tend to create what seems
to be instant intimacy — with-
out the time and companionship
that make up a true intimate re-
lationship.
"When someone is sitting in
front of a screen, they often are
willing to tell much more about
themselves than they would tell
in person," Ms. Maheu said.
"When we meet someone in a
coffee shop, we have social cues
that control personal disclosure."
While people may be quick to
share their innermost feelings
on-line, there are major draw-
backs to this form of communi-
cation, Ms. Maheu said. For one,
most human communication is
generally based on "nonverbal"
factors. A good portion is based
on voice tone. Only about 7 per-
cent is based on content.
On-line communication is pret-
ty much all content.
"It's the mystery that really got
him hooked," said 53-year-old
Norma of Chula Vista, Calif.,
whose husband is conducting an
on-line affair with a younger
woman. "I think he's more ob-
sessed than anything else."
Norma said her husband's
on-line lover convinced him she
needed $1,000 so she could leave
an abusive marriage. He gave it
to her.
"This is so out of character for
him," Norma said. "He's always
been a straight-and-narrow
guy."
Norma's husband recently met
the other woman in person, and
Norma expects the affair will
soon fizzle.
"He's going to realize who she
really is and that she's using
him," she said.
Norma believes that's true
because she's had her own such
experiences. Some months ago,
she communicated regularly via
computer with a local man
she found "fascinating," until the
two met for lunch.
"He was much more intriguing
on the computer," Norma said.
"I visualized him a
whole lot differently than
he was. That illusion really
catches you."
But in the meantime, what's
an electronically cheated-on
spouse supposed to do? Seek pro-
fessional help, according to Ms.

Maheu. Though she hasn't yet
counseled a couple with this
problem, she has worked with
couples in which one partner is
emotionally involved with some-
one else.
"It destroys relationships," she
said. "It's important to have
confidants outside the relation-
ship, but if someone is spending
an hour a day on-line with
someone else, it's fertile ground
for sexual involvement to begin."
Kristin Levine said that a
number of people who have
answered her poll say their on-
line affairs began as "confusing
fantasies."
"Then they get more emotion-
ally wrapped up, and they
become dependent," Ms. Levine
said. "It's insidious because it
can happen in your own home or
at your workplace."
Ms. Levine said some respon-
dents see a positive side to meet-
ing someone via computer.
'They say, this way, people get
to know each other from the
inside out," she said. "They don't
necessarily know the other
person's age, appearance or
economic status. They just know
what's inside that person."
In addition, some respondents
said they have learned things
from their electronic affairs that
they can now apply to their
marriages. Sexual electronic
communication may improve
married sex, they say.
"Some women say it's given
them the chance to explore their
sexual selves," Ms. Levine said.
On the other hand, things don't
always turn out so rosy.
Ms. Levine's own sister di-
vorced her husband after meet-
ing another man on-line. She
didn't marry that other man, but
is meeting more new partners
— on-line, of course. ❑

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