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On-Line Encounters
Melt Some Marriages
BARBARA FITZSIMMONS SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH NEWS
or the holidays, Jim and
Jenny bought a comput-
er for themselves and
their three young chil-
dren, believing it would
be "good for the family."
Shortly thereafter, the family
may be splitting apart, thanks
to the same computer.
Jenny, who didn't even know
what the Internet was until De-
cember, is now involved in an in-
tense on-line love affair with a
man on the East Coast. The two
have never met in the flesh, but
the West Coast mom and busi-
ness owner, who asked that the
family's real names not be used,
says she is seriously contem-
plating leaving everything she
has for her Internet boyfriend.
"He's charming, witty and fun-
ny," Jenny, 28, said of the man
she now spends sizzling hours
with, electronically, into the lat-
er hours every evening. "My hus-
band is a good man, but he
doesn't know the nurturing as-
pects of a relationship. This man
does; he provides sheer atten-
tion."
Jenny is not the only one to
find extramarital intimacy on
the Net. Eight other married
F
people who have had similar ex-
periences responded to a San
Diego Union-Tribune classified
ad asking about on-line affairs.
In addition, an Internet poll on
the subject by the on-line mag-
azine Self-Help and Psycholo-
gy has attracted dozens of
computer users who say they
have conducted extramarital re-
lationships on-line.
And in New Jersey, a man is
suing his wife for divorce based
on her "adulterous" cyber-rela-
tionship with a man she's never
met.
Even advice columnist Ann
Landers responded recently to
a letter about on-line relation-
ships, calling them "addictive."
"People get to know each oth-
er very quickly on-line," said
Kristin Levine, the New Hamp-
shire psychology student who is
conducting the poll for Self-Help
and Psychology magazine.
"There aren't as many bound-
aries as there are when you
meet someone in person."
Anyone who's spent time in
chat rooms or on bulletin-board
services knows what she's talk-
ing about. A computer user who
identifies herself as a "romantic
California female, 28," as Jenny
does, is often quickly inundated
with questions from others on-
line.
"They ask, 'Want to have fun
tonight?' " Jenny says. "Or, 'Are
you married, available, or both?'
I'll have five or six guys I'm talk-
ing to at one time."
Psychologist Marlene Maheu,
chairwoman of the American
Psychological Association's In-
ternet subcommittee, said these
new relationships raise numer-
ous questions:
For instance, does such an
electronic pairing truly consti-
tute an affair, if the parties don't
meet in person?
Ms. Maheu said she believes it
does.
"It's an emotional affair that is
not consummated, except in fan-
tasy," Ms. Maheu said. "It takes
away from the primary rela-
tionship. When one partner is
emotionally invested in someone
else, the commitment is com-
promised."
In addition, those who get in
volved on-line generally keep it
secret from their mates, com-
municating in the we morning
hours when their mates are
sleeping, for instance, or ne-
glecting their mates while
spending hours on the comput-
er.
More than that, repeated elec_ —/
tronic sharing often leads to tele-
phone calls, followed by
in-person meetings.
Another question that arises
is whether such electronic rela-
tionships are more fantasy than
reality.
"It's very provocative because
you don't really know who yo'.' \
are talking to," Ms. Maheu said.