Community Views
Editor's Notebook
Values And Virtues
Need To Be Taught
Learning To Let Go
On Father's Day
ALAN H1TSKY ASSOCIATE EDITOR
STACIE FINE SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH NEWS
A friend told me
that her learners
minyan was con-
sidering the possi-
bility of stripping
from the Friday
night liturgy refer-
ences to how peo-
ple should aspire to
live "with clean
hands and pure hearts, to never
speak with malice, to never swear
deceitfully," etc., from the Psalms.
The reasoning was that it was un-
fair to ask people to aspire to such
unattainable heights, to set peo-
ple up for moral failure. There-
fore, this text as well as some
others, in their reasoning, should
be removed from the liturgy.
I was really interested in this
argument. It struck me that the
group had a very different per-
spective from mine on one of the
reasons for gathering for Friday
night worship or meditation: to
reacquaint ourselves with our
highest ideals, chief virtues and
foundational ethics in a Jewish
context. The argument seemed to
be "If we can't reach it, we
shouldn't try," and "Ideals make
us feel inadequate."
The discussion reminded me of
an article I had read in rabbini-
cal school in the Chicago Tribune
magazine called "Teaching the
Virtues," by Christina Hoff Som-
mers, a professor of philosophy at
Clark University.
In that article, Ms. Sommers
discusses what she identifies as
the problem of "moral relativism"
and "no-fault history" in which
personal and communal respon-
sibility and virtue give way to
statements like "Torture, starva-
tion and humiliation may be bad
for you or me, but who are we to
say they are bad for someone
else?" Ms. Sommers also offers
the example of a colleague who
was flabbergasted when his stu-
dents told him that no one was to
blame for the Holocaust.
In an era when study after
study shows that American's are
cheating in school, stealing from
work and lying with alarming fre-
quency, what is the role of our
Jewishness in teaching virtue? I
am not equating the omission of
certain prayers with such drastic
moral relativism, but each situa-
tion raises a similar question:
How should we teach and inspire
ethical, moral, virtuous behavior
and ideals in a Jewish context?
First of all, I am not afraid to
say that there are fundamental
rights and wrongs.
Of course, some readers will be
thinking of Lawrence Holberg's
famous "Heinz and the Stolen
Stacie Fine is community
development director for the
Society for Humanistic
Judaism.
Drug" case: Heinz's family is very
poor. His mother will die if she
does not have access to a certain
cancer drug. The family cannot
afford it, and the local druggist
will not provide the remedy at a
discount. Is it OK for Heinz to
steal the drug in order to save his
mother's life? Such "dilemma
ethics" is how many of us were
taught ethics in our religious
schools.
Are there rights and wrongs?
And if so, how do we teach them
to our children and reinforce them
in ourselves? Ms. Sommers pro-
poses a very Jewish solution.
Rather than present ambigu-
ous dilemmas and teach moral
relativism, we should study sto-
ries of inspiring heroes who live
out the virtues we identify as fun-
damental: goodness, honesty,
kindness, generosity and so forth.
Such stories are
important tools for
teaching virtue.
In secular education of the last
century, ethics were taught us-
ing stories, parables and role
models. Ms. Sommers suggests a
return to this tradition, and she
shares a story:
In a small community in Rus-
sia, there was a rabbi who van-
ished every Friday afternoon for
several hours. His devoted fol-
lowers claimed that their rabbi
ascended to heaven during that
time.
A skeptic new to the village de-
cided to hide and follow the rab-
bi to find out where he was really
going. He hid near the rabbi's
house, watched him dress in the
clothes of a peasant, go into the
forest and chop wood. The rabbi
then bundled enough wood for a
full week and quietly left it by the
front door of the poorest shack in
the village, where an elderly man
lived alone. The rabbi then qui-
etly returned to his own home.
The newcomer stayed in the
village to study with the rabbi.
Whenever he heard one of his fel-
low villagers say, "On Friday af-
ternoon, our rabbi ascends all the
way to heaven," the newcomer
added, "or a little higher."
Such stories, so rich in our tra-
dition, are important tools for
teaching virtue.
Neutral moral dilemmas are
fine to study and debate, but we
must begin by being inspired by
what is highest and best in hu-
manity. Our heritage is filled
with stories of heroes famous and
unknown, biblical and modern,
legendary and historical, who
have lived lives of virtue. How
better to be inspired to be our best
than to learn from those who
have lived well? How better to
live a moral life than to aspire to
our highest values?
If we do not reach, what are
we? Are we content to say that
the way we are is the way we
must be? Judaism is essentially
hopeful. We should be, too. Just
as our cycle of seasons and the cy-
cle of weeks emphasize the theme
of renewal, so should we.
What is at stake is the moral
fabric of Jewish and American so-
ciety. If we (you and I) do not take
a stand, who will? There are sev-
eral concrete things we can do to
live a morally virtuous life: Make
a list of our fundamental values
or ideals. Read it at the beginning
and end of the day. Read inspir-
ing literature. Learn about heroes
from the past and present whose
behavior fulfills our ideals. Allow
ourselves to be inspired.
I affirm a basic belief in certain
fundamentals, and I will borrow
the words of Christina Hoff
Sommers: It is wrong to mistreat
a child, to humiliate someone, to
torture an animal, to think only
of yourself, to lie, to break promis-
es. It is right be considerate and
respectful of others, to be chari-
table, generous and kind.
We must become acquainted
with the great texts and stories
of our heritage. We must demand
that our Jewish institutions be
civil, kind and honest. We must
not think that insisting on certain
standards, like decency and hon-
esty, is brainwashing.
As Ms. Hoff Sommers says,
virtue can be taught.
The traditional liturgy de-
scribes the Jewish people as a
holy nation. To strive to live up to
this ideal is a moral responsibil-
ity, a mitzvah. Our Jewish gath-
erings, like Shabbat celebrations,
weddings or holidays, should be
times that we gather to meditate
on our highest ideals, not to shy
from the responsibility of good-
ness. Surely we must begin to
present ideals not in a textual
vacuum, but using stories and
history to illustrate the possibil-
ity and potential of each and
every human being.
To celebrate a Jewish event
should cause us to reflect upon
and renew our commitment to
our ideals, our values, our virtues.
Such times — the change of the
season or a time of life or Sunday
school — are the ideal times to re-
flect on our striving — its suc-
cesses and failures.
The Midrash says we are
somewhere between animals and
angels. Where exactly we stand
depends upon the quality of our
moral striving, our behavior, our
constant renewal of virtue. And
these depend upon articulating
our highest ideals and aspira-
tions. El
ing parents or his brothers'
shadows hanging over his shoul-
der, second-guessing his every
move.
We think he's overdoing it,
but at the same time he's taught
Debbie and I how capable he is.
And we've taught him and his
brothers that they'll always be
our babies, no matter how old
they are. You can tell this is a
tion, "Dad."
There are numerous other continuing battle that will nev-
truths associated with being a er end. rm sure our biblical an-
father. I've learned many; I'm cestors would relate the same
simply not very good at putting episodes.
them into practice. Just ask my
wife, Debbie.
While I was growing up, I was
too worried about being a son to
think about being a father. Even
to this day, I puzzle over the re-
lationship I have with my dad.
Another axiom passed from
I can think about how other fa-
thers and sons relate, but it's generation to generation: For-
hard to withdraw from the bag- get the gifts. Yes, it's nice to get
gage I carry as a child, even a presents. But the best one of all
grown one, to sit back dispas- as the children get older is lis-
sionately and analyze. Dad, tening to their voices on the tele-
phone, or having them home, if
you're safe for another year.
But not so my three sons. I've only for a little while. Of course,
been analyzing us/them for all my Dad tells me this all the
their lives. And it's amazing time, and I still ignore him and
buy him a present.
what they've taught me.
Be forewarned: I have been
First of all, they are individ-
uals. No matter how much I afflicted with extremely-proud-
want to compare them, or lump papa disease. I will whip out my
the oldest and the youngest into wallet with pictures of my boys
the same mold, they keep show- at the barest mention of their
ing me that they are not the names. I will talk about them
same. The middle one, since an ad nauseam.
You see, I really believe they
early age, has taught us all the
meaning of "different drum- are well on their way to achiev-
ing my dream for them. And
mer."
Oh, sure, they share some that makes me very happy.
At Seth's bar mitzvah six
common traits: Handsome, in-
telligent, warm, etc. (Remem- years ago, I told our family and
ber, this is a Father's Day friends, "When/ grow up, I want
column, and I have to protect to be just like Seth." Six years
myself.) And early on, each has later, I still have the same aspi-
reminded me that it would be ration.
And David, the eldest, sent
better if Dad were the assistant
coach or Scout leader or chap- Debbie and I an early Father's
eron for the other children in the Day present last week. After
graduating college in May, and
group, but not for him.
One sunny fall day, Scott Sel- before starting his job next
fon taught me a lot about the fa- month, he is traveling with
ther/coach relationship. He took friends in Europe. He wrote:
"Hello. Today we went to the
me aside at soccer practice to say
I was being much too hard on Anne Frank House in Amster-
my son Seth, the wayward mid- dam. It was the most worthwhile
fielder. Seth was 10 at the time. thing I have done in a long time.
After many tears, I said the
Scott was 12.
All parents — fathers and prayer for the dead, and anoth-
mothers — share something in er of hope that I may never wit-
common. We always want the ness these horrible things in my
best for our children. We want lifetime. I love you all. David."
Gee, guys. Thanks for being
them to strive to be the best, to
be better than dear old Dad, to our dreams and our hopes.
attain whatever we never Thanks for teaching us to let go
achieved, to be happier, more a little, to allow you to move on
successful. And that American into the world to make it a bet-
dream sometimes pushes par- ter place. Thanks for under-
ents — we fathers — to be too standing that we smile through
our tears because our pride and
pushy.
My youngest, Michael, has sadness, hopes and fears, are all
taught me to back off. At 17, he wrapped up in you.
And thanks for making it
wants his space, his indepen-
dence, his chance to make his a great Father's Day ... every
own mistakes without his dot- day. ❑
Being a father is
a never-ending,
ever-changing
process. That's
the one truth
I've learned dur-
ing the 22 1/2
years that I've
carried that ex-
alted designa-
Letting go, but not
completely.