Editor's Notebook

Community Views

Lives Are Arrested
By Old Memories

Has Shiva Become
A Detriment To Mourning?

PHIL JACOBS EDITOR

RABBI ARNIE SLEUTELBERG SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH NEWS

7—)

I recently visited a
shiva house on the
last night of shiva.
When I entered the
home, I was
pleased to witness
the entire family
sitting around the
dining-room table
and reminiscing
about the deceased. The stories
were poignant and moving; the
vignettes deeply personal and
cathartic. The hour of sharing and
laughing and crying
was exactly what shi-
va is all about.
After the dinner was
over, I had the oppor-
tunity to speak for
quite a while with the
children of the de-
ceased. They shared
with me how difficult
shiva had been in that
it had made their op-
portunity for real griev-
ing almost impossible.
They told me about
hundreds of well-
meaning visitors who
attempted to "cheer
them up" by speaking
about everything and
anything except the de-
ceased. They were
made to feel their true
grieving was not ap-
propriate since the
well-wishers were com-
ing to distract them
from their mourning.
They found themselves
going from room to
room in the house in
order to escape the on-
slaught of visitors.
These mourners
needed to be allowed to
feel miserable; they
needed to grieve; they needed to
reflect on the life of their loved
one and their loss.
In a vain attempt to avoid the
contact of the typical visitor, they
would retreat into the basement,
garage, bathroom — anywhere
they could be alone and not have
to hear the latest Red Wings

Arnie Sleutelberg is rabbi of

Congregation Shir Tikvah.

mourner is expressed by your
presence.
The reason for shiva is that
there is no opportunity beyond
the first seven days to feel the
unique feelings in the immediate
aftermath of the loss. Our feel-
ings right after the death of our
loved one will never be stronger.
Our emotions are raw; we feel fil-
leted open and tremendously vul-
nerable.
All of the intense feelings that
can result are very important to
feel in those shiva days.
Any feelings unfelt during
the days of shiva will nev-
er be felt in quite the same
way in the months and
years that follow.
Mourners are not to be
PLEASE
distracted. Mirrors are cov-
RESPECT
THE SANCTITY
ered so that "how one ap-
OF OUR
pears" is not a distraction.
SHIVA HOUSE
Mourners sit on low seats
as a constant reminder of
the loss. Everything and
everyone should reinforce
the mourners' ability to
mourn.
My heart went out to
these mourners who felt
they had wasted some of
the most important days
of their lives. They were
made to feel like the hosts
of the party rather than
those who were being
cared for, respected, nur-
tured, empathized and
sympathized with by the
community.
Maybe we must place a
sign on the door: "Please
respect the sanctity of our
shiva house."
I implore you, in the
name of all who have ex-
perienced loss and been
unable to grieve appropri-
ately
during
their shiva due to the
ers until spoken to by them. It is
the prerogative of the mourners ignorance or insensitivity of visi-
tors, be respectful of who they are,
not to speak if they so choose.
The laws of shiva are quite spe- where they are and what their
cific. Our tradition teaches that only agenda is during shiva.
Support them in their grief.
when visiting a house of mourn-
Try
to limit your conversations to
ing, you come in, sit down and
speak to the mourner only if the expressions of sympathy, remi-
mourner speaks to you first. If he niscences and questions about the
doesn't, you sit for a while and at deceased and the loss. You and
some point leave. Everything you they will feel better about your
came to communicate to the visit.

score. They shared with me their
disgust and the torment they felt
about the entire concept of shi-
va because it had prevented
them, day after day, from doing
what they needed to do.
I shared with them that shi-
va has absurdly evolved into a so-
cial scene, but that its intent is
quite the opposite. The reason for
shiva is to offer the loved ones an
opportunity for intense and un-
interrupted mourning. Visitors
should not speak to the mourn-

❑

Dry Bones

AgRAM! GE -r)—

-

1-1-16E OUT OF
cougTRY,

AuJAY FROM
Toy FATHER'S

HOUSE....

LAND
Ti-lAT I uutt-L

THE6!

-

_

r IS "THIS LIKE
A S1 UD6N.IT
TRIP "TO
HAVE AN

ISRAEL
6XPeRI6NCE
THING?!

•

Every once in a sider that to be a righteous
while you hear lifestyle.
"I will say this. The family
something that
makes you rub members (of Mr. Hammer) are
your ears in dis- also among the victims because
they possibly have to be sepa-
belief.
In this case, a rated from him, assuming we're
comment came able to deport him."
I once reported a story about
my way from a
man who won- a college student named Roger.
dered out loud why Ferdinand He was a 20-year-old honors en-
Hammer, the target of an Office gineering major. One day, "to be
of Special Investigations (OSI) funny," he dressed in khaki
probe, was in danger of deporta- pants, brown shirt, boots and a
tion when at age 74 he could no swastika arm band and goose-
longer do any harm to anyone. stepped his way up to the dorm
"Why," the man exclaimed, room of a young Jewish woman
'World War II, the Holocaust, is named Abby. He raised his arm
and saluted "Heil Hitler."
ancient history."
Abby admittedly had a low
Mr. Hammer, a death-camp
guard, was living a good life here "Jewish I.Q." She almost never
in Sterling Heights when OSI in- attended a temple or synagogue,
vestigators unmasked his iden- had no formal Jewish education,
tity. We read this week in was engaged to a gentile man.
reporter David Zeman's story Still, she was appalled.
The incident received public-
that the retired blacksmith said,
"I love this country. I love the ity in the local media. Roger, who
had a promising academic career
people. I am no criminal."
In the past year, we have ob- and future, had endangered him-
served the 50th anniversary of self.
He was ordered by a judge to
the end of World War II, the 50th
anniversary of the liberation of serve hundreds of hours of corn-
Holocaust survivors, the 50th an- lnunity service, which he did for
niversary of the dropping of the the Anti-Defamation League. He
atomic bomb. We're really good would attend rallies of different
as a society in hoisting banners, hate groups and report back to
digging up old photographs and the ADL on what he saw.
When Roger's court-ordered
newsreels and getting caught up
hours of community service end-
hi dates.
What we need to learn is that ed, he continued with his volun-
the day-to-day life of a Holocaust teer work. What he told me was
survivor isn't something to ob- that he couldn't "get out of my
serve every 50 years. Our rela- mind what I did."
His memories of the hate act
tives and friends who survived
are observing their survival fed his passion to right the situ-
every day. Through the works lo- ation. Would Roger's correct
cally of Holocaust historian Dr. thinking serve to change the
Sidney Bolkosky and interna- minds of those hidden killers of
tionally through the efforts of the Holocaust who see no need
Steven Spielberg, the survivors for repentance?
Maybe Roger's the exception.
are being given an opportunity
Maybe
he's a fairy tale in the
to tell their stories on video.
There is a sense of urgency. It litany of hate of modern anti-
has to be done now. Many of us Semitism. And maybe Roger's
understand that sense of ur- example doesn't fit too well with
gency, because we've felt the loss what the OSI is doing.
But there is a connection be-
of these loved ones who survived.
Now, let's flip the situation. cause there are human rem-
There is, believe it or not, a sense nants of the Holocaust, of World
of urgency to make these former War II, who have come out in
SS guards, now old men and public and have apologized. In
women, face the cameras as well. some cases, we may be skeptical
Like the Holocaust survivors, of their apologetic motives, but,
these people need to be identified still, they haven't hid behind a
for their past crimes before they lie like so many the OSI has ex-
die off. posed.
You know what the good thing
It's probably hard to imagine
a man, now a harmless senior is, though?
These men and women, who
citizen, maybe a loving grand-
parent, as his former, younger are in their 70s or 80s, might
not have a number on their
self, a killer of innocents.
For Eli Rosenbaum, however, arm to remind themselves of
how they were reduced by a
there is no question.
"Did he apologize to the hostile society. They may not
victims?" asked Mr. Rosen- have been captured on video
baum, the director of the OSI, asking for forgiveness. Instead,
of Mr. Hammer. "The judge they've got something to live
found his testimony (denying with much more indelible.
ever working in the death Their memories. May they be
camps) not credible. I don't con- arrested by them.

❑