Purim Spoof B 'Myst 01 Everything Not The lews Stomach Cramps, Botulism Impart A Mild Aftertaste T he quickest ... route to a man's ... heart ... is through ... his stomach. And the quickest way to honor ... both vital organs ... is a meal at Schmaltzies, metro De- troit's answer to fine kosher din- ing. Making the rounds of local delis many years ago, I recog- nized the need for a classy kosher joint like Schmaltzies. A place to bring bubbies and zay- des, kiddies and teens, a place to bring in-laws, if you want to knock 'em dead. There's little doubt that con- noisseurs from miles around will take advantage of this consummate ethnic outpost. Schmaltzies offers the best in artery-clogging dishes at throat- grabbing, eye-bulging prices. All I-O-U kosher. I've experienced nothing tasti- er since my first White Castle slider 178 years ago. One recent, sunny afternoon, I dropped in at Schmaltzies to find the decor blander than the matzah-ball soup. Rivaling the ambience of Sinai's basement morgue, it provided all the si- lence necessary for thorough, concentrated eating and diges- tion. The saucy band of waitstaff — sporting uniforms from NCJW's thrift shop — poured me coffee after wiping down my table with a sponge I mistook for the swell dolls in the kitchen had an order of kosher sloppy Joes, whipped up a side of farfel, hold the bun. which I ... believe ... goes ... un- Luckily, the sponge also had paralleled in all of the Michigan been approved by the Council of area. Who ... would ... know ... Orthodox Rabbis. So I, realizing that in our own ... back yard ... my faux pas midway through, we have the world's most spec- savored the taste and swallowed tacular kosher chef? the rest. Chef Isick Wretchsky. Tasty. Delicious. It brought Schooled in culinary magic, back memories of days gone by, Chef Wretchsky uses his won- those meals of yesteryear with drous talent to make the expi- my pals Hy and Lowe at Cream- ration dates on canned food side, where members ... of .. the disappear. I have never seen ... Purple ... Gang ... hung ... out. anything like it. The Michigan Then came the kishka. The Department of Public Health pretty gal behind the counter will never see anything like it ei- put down a crusty ther. We hope. set of utensils by On top of Chef the side of my Wretchsky's unbeatable plate, but the kish- recipe for bet-you-can't- ka slithered up my tell-I-poured-milk-in-it- tie on its own and meat loaf, he holds plunged down my certification in the Heim- throat. lich maneuver and CPR. Tasty. Delicious. When politely asked why Now I was on to he thinks Sara's never the crusty utensils. made it, he answers: Using my finger- "The former deli just of- DANNY RAll `EM nail to scrape away fered O-U. We, at RASKIN'S EVIL TWIN a bit of hardened Schmaltzies, feature I-0- LOCAL COLU MNIST black bean soup, I U. shut my eyes and As a rule of thumb, if envisioned those lunchtime ex- you drop dead at Schmaltzies — cursions to the Late-Stage Din- at some point between slurping er. Fantastic. your last spoonful of blintz and Gustatory considerations of reaching for your wallet — don't all kinds at Schmaltzies are nev- worry about the tip. Just er ignored. By the time I had fin- promise you'll pay up in the ished my black bean side dish, world to come. ❑ Diss Engagements .• Helfme-Outofit Imnot-Readyet Gelt-Kesef Zelda and Herbie Helfrne are re- lieved to announce the engage- ment of their lovely and desperate daughter, Bayla, to that nice Jewish boy, What's- His-Name, who completed Har- vard Medical School and now serves as chief of staff at Bots- ford General Hospital, where he secures the status and pay to which Bayla is rightfully enti- tled. The wedding is set for "as soon as possible," Mrs. Helfme says. After 47 years of bachelorhood, Noah Imnot has announced his engagement to Chaya Readyet. Noah is the son of the late Dr. Joseph and Helen Imnot, whose headstones are engraved with the words: Don't wake us up un- til he finds a nice Jewish girl. Chaya, a professor of nuclear physics, part-time cardiologist and four-time winner of the Miss Michigan Beauty Pageant, ad- mits to delivering the ultima- tum: "After 13 years of dating, Noah, don't you think it's about time?" Morrie and Lottie Gelt are ecsta- tic to announce the engage- ment/merger of their daughter, Givkah, to Hoardie Kesef, son of Roland and Penny Kesef, founders of First Bank of Wabeek South. Hoardie, a graduate of the Wharton School of Business, will join the investment branch of his father's enterprise. Givkah, a graduate student in ancient In- donesian feminist studies and ar- chaeology, will take on the role of vice president at her father's Fortune 500 company, Give cErn And Take 'Ern Antiques. Mort Hits The Road Dr. Plotnick begins a nationwide fund-raising tour for the JCC. NOTHING COULD BE FINER STAFF WRITER D r. Morton Plotnick left De- profit-making organization," said troit today to kick off an in- Mark Davidoff, Federation's chief definite fund-raising financial officer. "If this doesn't campaign for the cash- work, nothing will. But we're not SLrapped Jewish Community Cen- worried." ter of Metropolitan Detroit. At least one group is opposing After leaving no financial stone the project. Residents of the Fed- unturned, and even chipping in a eration Apartments on the Maple- $5 donation to the agency, Dr. Drake campus recently began Plotnick begins the daunting task protesting, calling the project a of raising money outside of Michi- waste of time. They maintain it gan. will not enhance the JCC's finan- Earlier this year, officials at the cial success. JCC decided to move Dr. Plotnick One elderly resident, who asked out of the Maple-Drake build- ing so he could focus all his energies on fund-raising. Now, they are moving him out of the state to raise the $45 million necessary for the next phase of the capital cam- Paign. "We will really miss Mort's leadership and expertise, but we need to move forward with the capital campaign and there just aren't any more resources here," said JCC Executive Director Leah Ann Kleinfeldt. Last month the JCC be- gan fund raising for Phase 13 Mort Plotnick: World tour. of its capital campaign. The agency plans to build a JCC not to be identified, said, "A lot of amusement park similar to the us think the amusement park is Disney theme parks, making it a good idea, but we don't want all the first Jewish organization to the noise and commotion in our construct a multimillion-dollar back yard. Why can't they do it at JPM in Oak Park?" park. If the commencement of the Plans for the West Bloomfield theme park are sketchy at best, campaign is successful, the Cen- but Federation officials, who are ter could begin construction as ear- heavily involved in the campaign, ly as next fall. Meanwhile, the first stop on Dr. say the project, once finished, will provide a tremendous source of Plotnick's one-man bus tour is New York, where he will perform revenue for the JCC. songs from his new album, Be- cause I'm Mort, at Carnegie Hall. Dr. Plotnick promises to sing his remake of the Frank Sinatra song "My Way." Tickets for Dr. Plot- nick's only performance are on sale through Ticketmaster or by — Mark Davidoff calling the JCC. From New York, Dr. Plotnick plans to travel down the East Renamed the Sol and Hilda Coast to Florida before heading Waxburg Magic Kingdom, the fa- west to cultivate donors. cility will see many new changes. 'We're looking for donors to put The Carl and Maxine Shapiro "It's their names on rides, games and a Small, Small World" will be a food stands," Dr. Plotnick said. highlight, as well as the Sol and "We realize individuals in the com- Rachel Swartz "Cinderella's Cas- munity like to see their names tle." Mickey, Minnie and Goofy prominently displayed. My ques- will be running the place. But that tion to them is: Who wants to see really isn't a change. another name inside a prayerbook "We are confident a theme park or on another building wall when is just what the Center needs to they can have an amusement pay back its debts and become a park ride named for them?" ❑ "A theme park is just what the Center needs."