Purim Spoof
B 'Myst 01 Everything
Not The lews
Stomach Cramps, Botulism
Impart A Mild Aftertaste
T
he quickest ... route to a
man's ... heart ... is
through ... his stomach.
And the quickest way to
honor ... both vital organs ... is a
meal at Schmaltzies, metro De-
troit's answer to fine kosher din-
ing.
Making the rounds of local
delis many years ago, I recog-
nized the need for a classy
kosher joint like Schmaltzies. A
place to bring bubbies and zay-
des, kiddies and teens, a place
to bring in-laws, if you want to
knock 'em dead.
There's little doubt that con-
noisseurs from miles around
will take advantage of this
consummate ethnic outpost.
Schmaltzies offers the best in
artery-clogging dishes at throat-
grabbing, eye-bulging prices. All
I-O-U kosher.
I've experienced nothing tasti-
er since my first White Castle
slider 178 years ago.
One recent, sunny afternoon,
I dropped in at Schmaltzies to
find the decor blander than the
matzah-ball soup. Rivaling the
ambience of Sinai's basement
morgue, it provided all the si-
lence necessary for thorough,
concentrated eating and diges-
tion.
The saucy band of waitstaff
— sporting uniforms from
NCJW's thrift shop — poured
me coffee after wiping down my
table with a sponge I mistook for the swell dolls in the kitchen had
an order of kosher sloppy Joes, whipped up a side of farfel,
hold the bun.
which I ... believe ... goes ... un-
Luckily, the sponge also had paralleled in all of the Michigan
been approved by the Council of area. Who ... would ... know ...
Orthodox Rabbis. So I, realizing that in our own ... back yard ...
my faux pas midway through, we have the world's most spec-
savored the taste and swallowed tacular kosher chef?
the rest.
Chef Isick Wretchsky.
Tasty. Delicious. It brought
Schooled in culinary magic,
back memories of days gone by, Chef Wretchsky uses his won-
those meals of yesteryear with drous talent to make the expi-
my pals Hy and Lowe at Cream- ration dates on canned food
side, where members ... of .. the disappear. I have never seen
... Purple ... Gang ... hung ... out. anything like it. The Michigan
Then came the kishka. The Department of Public Health
pretty gal behind the counter will never see anything like it ei-
put down a crusty
ther. We hope.
set of utensils by
On top of Chef
the side of my
Wretchsky's unbeatable
plate, but the kish-
recipe for bet-you-can't-
ka slithered up my
tell-I-poured-milk-in-it-
tie on its own and
meat loaf, he holds
plunged down my
certification in the Heim-
throat.
lich maneuver and CPR.
Tasty. Delicious.
When politely asked why
Now I was on to
he thinks Sara's never
the crusty utensils.
made it, he answers:
Using my finger-
"The former deli just of-
DANNY RAll `EM
nail to scrape away
fered O-U. We, at
RASKIN'S EVIL TWIN
a bit of hardened
Schmaltzies, feature I-0-
LOCAL COLU MNIST
black bean soup, I
U.
shut my eyes and
As a rule of thumb, if
envisioned those lunchtime ex- you drop dead at Schmaltzies —
cursions to the Late-Stage Din- at some point between slurping
er. Fantastic.
your last spoonful of blintz and
Gustatory considerations of reaching for your wallet — don't
all kinds at Schmaltzies are nev- worry about the tip. Just
er ignored. By the time I had fin- promise you'll pay up in the
ished my black bean side dish, world to come.
❑
Diss Engagements .•
Helfme-Outofit
Imnot-Readyet
Gelt-Kesef
Zelda and Herbie Helfrne are re-
lieved to announce the engage-
ment of their lovely and
desperate daughter, Bayla, to
that nice Jewish boy, What's-
His-Name, who completed Har-
vard Medical School and now
serves as chief of staff at Bots-
ford General Hospital, where he
secures the status and pay to
which Bayla is rightfully enti-
tled.
The wedding is set for "as
soon as possible," Mrs. Helfme
says.
After 47 years of bachelorhood,
Noah Imnot has announced his
engagement to Chaya Readyet.
Noah is the son of the late Dr.
Joseph and Helen Imnot, whose
headstones are engraved with
the words: Don't wake us up un-
til he finds a nice Jewish girl.
Chaya, a professor of nuclear
physics, part-time cardiologist
and four-time winner of the Miss
Michigan Beauty Pageant, ad-
mits to delivering the ultima-
tum: "After 13 years of dating,
Noah, don't you think it's about
time?"
Morrie and Lottie Gelt are ecsta-
tic to announce the engage-
ment/merger of their daughter,
Givkah, to Hoardie Kesef, son of
Roland and Penny Kesef, founders
of First Bank of Wabeek South.
Hoardie, a graduate of the
Wharton School of Business, will
join the investment branch of his
father's enterprise. Givkah, a
graduate student in ancient In-
donesian feminist studies and ar-
chaeology, will take on the role
of vice president at her father's
Fortune 500 company, Give cErn
And Take 'Ern Antiques.
Mort Hits The Road
Dr. Plotnick begins a nationwide fund-raising
tour for the JCC.
NOTHING COULD BE FINER STAFF WRITER
D
r. Morton Plotnick left De- profit-making organization," said
troit today to kick off an in- Mark Davidoff, Federation's chief
definite fund-raising financial officer. "If this doesn't
campaign for the cash- work, nothing will. But we're not
SLrapped Jewish Community Cen- worried."
ter of Metropolitan Detroit.
At least one group is opposing
After leaving no financial stone the project. Residents of the Fed-
unturned, and even chipping in a eration Apartments on the Maple-
$5 donation to the agency, Dr. Drake campus recently began
Plotnick begins the daunting task protesting, calling the project a
of raising money outside of Michi- waste of time. They maintain it
gan.
will not enhance the JCC's finan-
Earlier this year, officials at the cial success.
JCC decided to move Dr. Plotnick
One elderly resident, who asked
out of the Maple-Drake build-
ing so he could focus all his
energies on fund-raising.
Now, they are moving him
out of the state to raise the
$45 million necessary for the
next phase of the capital cam-
Paign.
"We will really miss Mort's
leadership and expertise, but
we need to move forward
with the capital campaign
and there just aren't any
more resources here," said
JCC Executive Director Leah
Ann Kleinfeldt.
Last month the JCC be-
gan fund raising for Phase 13 Mort Plotnick: World tour.
of its capital campaign. The
agency plans to build a JCC not to be identified, said, "A lot of
amusement park similar to the us think the amusement park is
Disney theme parks, making it a good idea, but we don't want all
the first Jewish organization to the noise and commotion in our
construct a multimillion-dollar back yard. Why can't they do it at
JPM in Oak Park?"
park.
If the commencement of the
Plans for the West Bloomfield
theme park are sketchy at best, campaign is successful, the Cen-
but Federation officials, who are ter could begin construction as ear-
heavily involved in the campaign, ly as next fall.
Meanwhile, the first stop on Dr.
say the project, once finished, will
provide a tremendous source of Plotnick's one-man bus tour is
New York, where he will perform
revenue for the JCC.
songs from his new album, Be-
cause I'm Mort, at Carnegie Hall.
Dr. Plotnick promises to sing his
remake of the Frank Sinatra song
"My Way." Tickets for Dr. Plot-
nick's only performance are on
sale through Ticketmaster or by
— Mark Davidoff calling the JCC.
From New York, Dr. Plotnick
plans to travel down the East
Renamed the Sol and Hilda Coast to Florida before heading
Waxburg Magic Kingdom, the fa- west to cultivate donors.
cility will see many new changes.
'We're looking for donors to put
The Carl and Maxine Shapiro "It's their names on rides, games and
a Small, Small World" will be a food stands," Dr. Plotnick said.
highlight, as well as the Sol and "We realize individuals in the com-
Rachel Swartz "Cinderella's Cas- munity like to see their names
tle." Mickey, Minnie and Goofy prominently displayed. My ques-
will be running the place. But that tion to them is: Who wants to see
really isn't a change.
another name inside a prayerbook
"We are confident a theme park or on another building wall when
is just what the Center needs to they can have an amusement
pay back its debts and become a park ride named for them?" ❑
"A theme park is just
what the Center
needs."