Purim Spoof

Me?

Not The News

Kosher Meat From Mars?

How far do you have to go to get really kosher meat?

ELIZABETH ("I AM AN EXPERT ON EVERYTHING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, INCLUDING THOSE THINGS OF WHICH I KNOW
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, LIKE WATER POLO, MOUSTACHE WAXING AND TOFU.") APPLEBAUM ASSOCIATE EDITOR

Jim-Bob and Brunhilde after their recent
victory in Israel.

Q: Wow! First all these issues with
who will be allowed to marry in Is-
rael. But that was nothing compared
to a story I heard about a man named
Jim-Bob Roberts. Can Why Tell Me
tell me what?
A: Jim-Bob Roberts recently
made headlines when he and his
wife, Brunhilde, tried to make
aliyah.
"I don't care if she is an alliga-
tor," he cried. 'Damn it! I love her."
The Orthodox rabbinate final-
ly agreed to recognize the union
after Mr. Roberts explained that
his bride, while born a gentile, had
undergone an Orthodox conver-
sion. Conservative rabbis con-
curred with the decision after Mr.
Roberts assured them that while
his wife would be eating certain
treife outside the house ("I just
can't give up those rodents yet!"
she insists), she would keep a
kosher home. The Reform rab-
binate also supported the move,
saying, in a press release, "It's a
little odd, sure. But if it's mean-
ingful to Jim-Bob, more power to
him!"
No word yet on where the hap-
py couple will settle.

Q: My wife and I are THRILLED
new parents, and our parents am EX-
CITED new grandparents, and our
dog is an ELATED pet, and our neigh-
bors are positively KVELLING. The
news? We've just had ADORABLE
twins!

So here's our question. In
memory of our grandparents,
Charles Herbert and Gladys
Louise, we're naming the twins
David Benjamin and Sarah Ruth.
What should their Hebrew names
be?
From readers Imo and Reel E.
Dumb in Persnickety, Mich.
A: So, you've decided to
jump on the bandwagon with
some of those popular, new-
fangled names for your little
ones. Of course, you're not go-
ing to find "David" and "Ben-
jamin" or "Sarah" and "Ruth"
in the Bible, though, so we're
going to have to use our imag-
ination to get some Hebrew
names for you!
For David Benjamin, what
about Harrington Milford
Roberts III? And for your
daughter, how about
Brittany Morgan? Or
Taylor Madison? Or Car-
ly Jordin? Each and every
one would be perfect (and
so very biblical)!

en to getting their kosher meat
from out of state. That's an idea,
but wouldn't it be even more
kosher if you got your meat from
out of the United States?
No, wait. How about off this
very planet? When you think
about it, could anything be more
kosher than meat from Mars?

Q:Do real Jews drink beer?
A: No.

Q: Are there any Jews, anywhere,
of any religious persuasion or na-
tionality, who bowl?
A: No.

Q: As it becomes increasingly
clear that a Clinton victory is any-
thing but certain in the upcoming
presidential election, I understand
that Hillary has made a special ef-

Q: My neighbors refuse
to buy meat at Maxim's
Kosher Meat Market be-
cause they say that while
it's kosher (it does, after
all, have certification), it's
not really "kosher
enough." They will eat
meat from Bob's Kosher
Meats, but my mother
won't ("Not kosher
enough.") Our rabbi won't Mrs. Clinton lends a hand. AP Photo/Barbara Kenney
eat meat from Bob's or
Maxim's, but he will eat from Yum- fort to reach out to some of Bill's
my Kosher Foods, but my friends Jewish voters. Can you tell me a lit-
from down the street won't ("Yum- tle about the campaign?
A: Indeed we can!
my's not kosher enough"); they only
In an effort to woo Jewish vot-
buy meat from Maxim's.
ers, Hillary Rodham Clinton re-
All of them are coming for lunch cently arrived in Israel, where
next week. What do I serve?
she'll be spending an entire
From Frustrated By Food in month. Soon after landing, she vol-
Southfield
unteered her services as a "wall
A:The real question is not holder," and vowed to spend six
which store to buy from in town, hours each day keeping up the Ko-
but why are you buying meat tel (see photo). Although no one
from here, anyway?
reported any problems with the
As every really educated per- Western Wall, Mrs. Clinton re-
son knows — despite what your portedly replied: "Remember Jeri-
rabbi says, despite what kosher cho? You can never be too careful
certification notices you see — with these babies!"
if you really want to get kosher
While not holding up the Kotel,
meat you don't shop at Bob's or Mrs. Clinton will be advising Is-
Yummy's or Maxim's. You go out raelis on property investment, and
of town.
writing a health-care plan for the
Some families have even tak- country.

Combative Attorney
Knocks Himself

ME KNOCK EM DEAD SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH NEWS

-

-

I

n a move that raised plenty of
eyebrows, attorney Geoffrey
Fieger publicly denounced
himself, using adjectives like
"ass" and "gasbag."
He drew the praise of the
Council of Orthodox Rabbis of
Greater Detroit, among others,
for his admission. The Council re-
cently denounced the practice of
assisted suicide, provoking the
ire of Mr. Fieger, whose most fa-
mous client is Dr. Jack
Kevorkian, the so-called "suicide
doctor." Mr. Fieger, in response,
likened the Orthodox rabbis to
Nazis.
"I've really been an outspoken
ass," Mr. Fieger said at a press
conference at his cramped South-
field office last week. "I saw my-
self on TV and it hit me: I really
do come off as a gasbag. Plus, I
realize it's true: my suits are too
tight."
Dr. Kevorkian, clad in his
trademark garb — powder-blue
polyester cardigan and Sansabelt
pants — stood next to Mr. Fieger
as he flogged himself.
"Hey, I don't really care a whit
what Geoff does or says," the
sanguine former pathologist re-
marked. "I just want to end the
suffering of the terminally ill. You
people can spend your time on
this cult of personality you've cre-

ated." Dr. Kevorkian is current-
ly on trial for assisting the sui-
cides of two "patients" in 1993
and 1994.
When asked about his "Nazi"
remark, Mr. Fieger hung his
head in what appeared to be a
gesture of shame.
"Me, the son of a Jew, com-
paring men of God to the most
evil of men in our or any time. It
was an outrageous statement
and I deeply apologize for caus-
ing offense. Now, he may be a de-
cent person, but prosecutor Dick
Thompson has behaved as if he
is an SS commander," he com-
mented.
Mr. Fieger has asked for the
dismissal of charges against Dr.
Kevorkian, but he's taken a dif-
ferent tack as of late, telling the
judge that his 67-year-old client
may not survive the stress of a
protracted trial.
"It would be nice if we could
just finish this trial nicely and let
all of us get on with our lives, es-
pecially my client.
"I still feel deeply that Dr.
Kevorkian is not only doing a ser-
vice to society, but that he will ul-
timately be exonerated," he
continued. "However, I do ap-
preciate other points of view in
this debate." ❑

CORRECTION

The Jewish News corrects all
omissions and errors of fact, un-
less, of course, it's real laaate, or
the misstatement is compli-
caaated, or the caller is really
whinnnnnny... And, let's face it,
sometimes we just don't care.
But at the urging of legal coun-
sel Herschel "Fat Ankles" Fink,
we note the following:
* In the Feb. 9 issue, there
were two omissions in the Mile-
stones section. Regarding births,
the grandparents of Mindi
Glantz, born Feb. 4, were not
"beaming" in announcing Min-
di's birth. They were in fact
"beaming and knelling, (DO
YOU HEAR ME, KVELLING)
to have such a gorgeous grand-
daughter." The Jewish News re-
grets the omission.
* Due to a space shortage, the
obit for Shecky Katz, 86, omit-

ted the name of the herring-
monger from Mr. Katz's child-
hood village of Liozno, Vitebsk,
in the former Soviet Union. His
name was Mel.
* In a Feb. 9 story on wide-
spread unrest among Ethiopi-
an Jews, who were protesting
an Israeli policy of disposing of
blood they had donated, The
Jewish News neglected to men-
tion that the Detroit branch of
the National Council of Jewish
Women co-sponsors a blood dri-
ve in Southfield each year.
Chapter President Bunnie
"Bonnie" Kreiger-Kvetch noted
that while her group's role in the
blood drive was not, technical-
ly, germane to the Ethiopian
story, it "deserves mention any-
way. Everywhere!"

— David Z. Man

