tionship with our children? How
can we improve their self-esteem?
Respect is paramount in Jew-
ish tradition. We must treat our-
selves, spouses and children and
our property with respect. State-
ments such as "shut up" are very
disrespectful and children must
be taught to speak properly to
adults.
"In traditional Jewish homes,"
Ms. Radcliffe states, "a child may
not sit in the mother's or fathers'
chair without permission."
Ms. Radcliffe advises parents
to make a list of qualities they
would like to see in their children.
For instance, kindness, consider-
ation, helpfulness, neatness, gen-
erosity, thoughtfulness and
creativity.
"Remember," the author advis-
es, "the power of words is so im-
portant."
She would like to see a parent
give 8 out of 10 positive interac-
tions. Ms. Radcliffe challenges par-
ents to tape themselves and see
what they really sound like. If you
find yourself speaking in a harsh
tone when your child comes in the
house filthy, remember that neg-
ative criticism such as "you are dis-
gusting" is "poison to the soul," she
says. A child will believe that he
should act as he is labeled by the
parent. Labels such as stupid, lazy
and obnoxious are harmful to your
child. Avoid giving the message
that your child is bad and unlov-
able.
It is much more helpful to tell
the child calmly what you would
like the child to do. Let your child
know when you like how he is be-
having. "I like to see you sharing
with your sister," or "I like to see
you sitting down at the table."
Ms. Radcliffe also stresses what
she calls a healing message:
"Thanks, that was very consider-
ate, creative, clever."
Children can be hypnotized to
have positive self-esteem by hear-
ing positive messages over and
over again. Give your child the
message that he or she is lovable.
Remember to shower your older
children with love and affection.
Teens need hugs, kisses and pats
on the back just as much as babies
do.
Ms. Radcliffe urges parents to
refrain from anger, hitting and
criticism. Responding with anger
undoes most of the positive com-
ments that a parent makes to his
or her child.
If parents have a tendency to
be angry, the time before Rosh
Hashanah is an excellent time to
begin working on controlling one's
anger. For example: learn to lis-
ten to your child, not to discount
his feelings, and empathize with
your child.
Don'ts: Child says, "I want to
quit school. I hate it! I'm not going
back." Parent responds, "It can't
be that bad. You have to go back
tomorrow." Dos. Child says hare
school. I want to quit!" Parent lis-
tens and reflects what child says:

"You want to quit school." Parent
empathizes: "You must be really
frustrated and miserable. What
happened today?" Child responds:
'The class is too hard. I don't get
it." Parent responds: "I'm con-
cerned if you quit now, you won't
graduate. It will be hard to get a
job. What would make it easier for
you at school?" Begin problem-
solving with your child. Give the
message that we can cope; there
are solutions. The situation is not
hopeless.
• What do you do if your child
does not follow repeated instruc-
tions?
Ms. Radcliffe advises parents
to keep calm. Parents have au-
thority by tradition to set limits
with their child. Ask your child
once to do the task. If you receive
no response, give a warning. State
what privilege your child will lose
ifhe or she does not cooperate (fa-
vorite TV show, special dessert or
time out — putting a child in a cor-
ner or room, five minutes for a 5-
year-old child). If he or she does
not cooperate, force the conse-
quence.
Usually this is very effective. If
you take away a toy from a child
under 10, give it back in 24 hours
or less. For children over 10, don't
take something away for more
than two days. Remember, by
Jewish law all children's objects
belong to parents until the child
pays room and board.
Ms. Radcliffe gave the analo-
gy of a peron getting a speeding
ticket. The policeman calmly
states what you did wrong and
what you need to do.
"You were driving 85 in a 65
mile speed zone. Here is your tick-
et. If you refuse to pay the ticket,
you will have serious conse-
quences. Eventually you will end
up in jail," he'd say.
If your child is not cooperating,
the parent's goal is to fine him with
a ticket (meaningful and appro-
priate to his or her age). If your
child still does not cooperate, you
choose a more serious - conse-
quence. (For one child, it may
mean no bike riding for two days.
For another, no phone privileges.)
Ms. Radcliffe reminds parents
that Judaism teaches us never to
give up on a child. No matter how
desperate the situation seems,
there is always hope and help
available.
Ms. Radcliffe advises parents
to keep calm and speak positive-
ly. Let the child know what to ex-
pect. Refrain from anger, hitting
and criticism. Listen effectively.
Show empathy. Give criticism con-
structively when necessary.
Choose your words carefully.
Show your children that you love
them and respect them for their
unique selves. This is the essence
of self-esteem from a Torah ap-
proach. she says.
Phyllis Meer is a pediatric nurse
practitioner residing in West
Bloomfield.

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