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.

RUTH LITTMAN S A WR ER

ith a new twist
on the hemline
debate, the
mother argued
her daughter's skirt was
too long. The daughter,
age 25, didn't want it
any shorter, and
frankly, she never asked
her mother for wardrobe
advice.
Replied the mom: "I
paid for it, I have the
right to tell you to hem
it."
Mother-daughter con-
troversies don't neces-
sarily end when the
latter becomes an adult.
To help assuage ten-
sions between the gen-
erations, Jewish Family
Service last spring spon-
sored a program that
brought nine grownup
women together for can-
did discussion.
There were four
mothers and five daugh-
ters. In each case, the
mother suggested join-
ing the group, which
met eight times throughout the
spring at the JFS building in
Southfield.
Seven of the initial nine par-
ticipants opted for a four-week
extension through June. During
the two-hour sessions, the hon-
est, often humorous shrapnel
flew both ways.
"Audrey," who doesn't want
to use her real name, said she
felt betrayed when her adult
daughter denied requests to bor-
row costume jewelry. The
daughter, who also prefers
anonymity, recalls the situation
differently.
"All I remember," she says "is
my mom telling me, 'Hand it
over. All of it.' "
"All I remember," says the
daughter, "is control, again con-
trol."
For the women who took part
in the JFS program, most sticky
issues revolve around control.
Who had it.
Who wanted more of it.
Program facilitators Sara
Eisemann and Marilyn
Hertzberg, both licensed social
workers, say the problem is not
unusual for mothers and their
adult daughters. Adapting to
role changes through the years
presents a difficult challenge.
Mothers must evolve from
caregiver, protector, dictator to
friend. They start off with con-
trol, then lose it. Daughters, on
the other hand, must come to

W

E

Mon-Sat 10-5

Family Service Series Helps
End N Mother-Daughter Debates

terms with their mothers' desire
to hold on.
Daughters, like mothers,
must adjust their attitudes.
Barb is a young mother who
often felt guilty when she re-
fused to take her children to
their grandparents' house for the
day. Fact is, Barb has always en-
joyed spending lots of time with
her immediate family — her
husband, her kids, herself.
Period.
This preference isn't well-re-
ceived by Barb's mother, Sue,
who has more global visions of
family. "How can you do this to
me after all I've done for you?"
became the mother-to-daughter
refrain each time Barb refused
an invitation.
So Barb, the daughter, began
to clam up. She withdrew. In-
stead of getting together more
often, members of the extended
family saw each other less and
less.
Sue and Barb joined the JFS
group to reconcile these differ-
ences. They say they felt com-
fortable because other
participants were experiencing
similar dilemmas and were ea-
ger to speak their minds.
Facilitators Eisemann and
Hertzberg stress the program
was not clinical or deeply psy-
chological. What it aimed to do
was open the lines of communi-
cation between mother and
daughter by encouraging them
to listen to each other.

The result: One daughter
hemmed her skirt. But not be-
cause she caved into her moth-
er's pressure. After a lengthy
discussion — with her mother
and with the JFS group — this
25-year-old concluded cutting a
few inches was a good idea after
all.
As for the costume jewelry,
mother and daughter discussed
the brouhaha and determined
there had been a misunder-
standing. The mother never in-
tended to hog the accessories
and the daughter never meant
to be miserly. .
Participants in the JFS group
discovered that mothers make
suggestions that, to their adult
daughters, often sound like dic-
tates. Furthermore, mothers, ac-
customed to taking control, don't
consider control a bad thing. It's
the way they express concern,
the way they show love.
But control should be exer-
cised with moderation, the group
concluded.
When it comes to convincing
her daughter Barb to spend
more time with her mom and
dad, Sue has concluded she
needs to accept, albeit not agree
with, her daughter's desire for
space.
"O.K. I'll back off," Sue says.
"And I'll hope someday she'll be
the one to call and say, 'Hi Mom.
Mind if the kids and I come
over?' "

❑

