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Loshen Hora, lam-ed hey,
Go to hell the easy way.
Loshen Hora, lam-ed hey,
Tell it to me anyway.
Dolores laughs. She admits to
starting her share of rumors, but
lately she bites her tongue. The
surest cure for an addiction to
blab? Get burned yourself. She
did.
"It's just human nature to talk
about people," Dolores says. "But
it's really terrible. Last summer,
there was a rumor about me tak-
ing a friend to an orgy where peo-
ple were dropping acid."
True? No way, she says. There
was beer. But no acid and defi-
nitely no sex.
That wasn't the end of Dolores'
misfortune.
"Recently, someone began say-
ing that a friend and I are les-
bians, just because we defended
gays against homophobes at
some Shabbat dinner. For weeks,
I had members of this communi-
ty coming up to me saying, 'Do-
lores, we've heard that you're
gay."'
The label of lesbian doesn't
bother Dolores, an Orthodox Jew
who considers herself open-mind-
ed. Rather, it's the fact that she
wants friends to set her up on
dates with men, not women. Do-
lores hopes the rumor won't
stymie her love life.
Dating is one thing. Divorce is
another. Rumors that begin after
marital breakups invariably
cause rifts. Talk of scandal fur-
thers tensions. Rabbis have lost
congregants. Congregants have
lost friends.
"What really ticked me off the
most was that, after my divorce,
I heard through the grapevine
that people knew my marriage
was going to fall apart even be-
fore the wedding. They talked
about it during the reception. I
can't believe that people who sup-
posedly cared about me never
came up to tell me, face to face."
That's the story of one
metro Detroiter, who requested
anonymity. Others have been
hurt in similar scenarios. They've
lost jobs, status and the ability to
walk into a room without won-
dering if faces in the crowd have
swallowed the rumors promul-
gated about them.
Attorneys in the United States
say it's horribly difficult to con-
vict someone of libel. Case after
dismissed libel case proves this
point. But loshen hora? Who isn't
found guilty?
Instead of wasting energy on
gossip, the Talmud tells us to ei-
ther be silent or concentrate on
improving ourselves through
Torah study and other worth-
while activities.
Rabbi Elimeilech Silberberg of
Bais Chabad of West Bloomfield
says negativity fills the hearts of
those who focus on criticizing oth-
ers. "It will impact your approach
to life," he warns.If gossip is out,
what's left to talk about? What will
substitute for sound effects over
the mah-jongg table? Can we safe-
ly discuss anything with anyone?
The following paragraphs
point to some real-life situations
with suggestions from rabbis on
how to behave:
1. May we talk about people rel-
evant to our woes with a psy-
chologist?
Answer: Yes, according to Rab-
bi Bergman. The relationship be-
tween a patient and therapist is
confidential, by law. An individ-
ual does not risk jeopardizing an-
other person's reputation in this
case.
2. May we ask a friend for an up-
date on people in our graduating
class?
"It's just human
nature to talk about
people."
— Dolores
Answer: No, according to the
Chofetz Chaim. Very often, these
debriefings serve to cut down an-
other person's accomplishments.
(And how many chats about 10-
year reunions don't involve some
reference to the amount of weight
ex-cheerleaders have gained since
the 11th-grade homecoming
dance?)
3. May we warn our friend about
someone they want to date?
Answer: Yes, according to Rab-
bi Silberberg. If you know for sure
that someone is a bad egg, advise
your friend against accepting or
initiating the date. The same can
be said for business relations.
"A lot of times, people will call me
up and ask if a person has a tem-
per, or if a person is dishonest,"
Rabbi Silberberg says. "(If the an-
swer is yes), what I usually do is
try to talk about other parts of the
person's personality. The fact that
I'm avoiding the question sends
a message."
4. May we alert a friend about his
or her spouse's affair?
Answer: It depends, Rabbi
Bergman says. Your friend might
already know. He or she might