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The goal of the service is to get children to ask: "Why do we celebrate this holiday? What is this all about?" Questions are very important in Judaism. The Talmud and rab- binic commentaries on the Torah, with their endless and intricate questions, answers and debates, are all posited on the premise that asking leads to deeper un- derstanding. The Passover Haggadah's sec- tion on the four sons provides a ready-made framework for help- ing parents to understand how their children ask questions and how to answer them: one who is wise, one who is wicked (or re- bellious), one who is simple, and one who does not know how to ask. These four children repre- sent a range of personalities, learning styles, and levels of ma- turity. Commenting on this passage in the Rabbinical Assembly's Passover Haggadah, editor Rachel Anne Rabinowitz says, "The rabbis counseled that the story of the Exodus should be geared to the attitude and age of the questioner." Based on the Tal- mudic commentary, we can ex- pand this to a general principle for parents: "The.parent should teach each child on the level of the child's understanding." (Pe- sahim 116a.) • ' The passage about the four children can be viewed "either as a description of four different chit- Gail Lipsitz is community relations coordinator and Shana Goldfinger is a social worker at Jewish Family Services in Baltimore. Rena Rotenberg is director of early childhood education at the Council on Jewish Education Services. dren, or as a description of the same child going through devel- opmental stages," say Rabbi Ju- dith Z. Abrams and Dr. Steven A. Abrams in Jewish Parenting: Rabbinic Insights. Most children probably will go through the four phases: the very young child who does not know enough to ask, the child who knows enough to ask simple questions, the rebellious child separating from his parents and rejecting tradition, and the child who has attained the intel- lectual and emotional maturity to be interested in the subject for himself. Here are some insights into dif- ferent kinds of questioners and advice on how to respond. The simple child: Young chil- dren think very concretely, ask- ing about what they see. Lacking a wide vocabulary, they may un- derstand more than they can say. To find out what the child is re- ally asking, the parent can rephrase the question in the form of a statement, reflecting it back to the child. Acknowledge the child from where he is. Break up the subject into little, under- standable pieces, and repeat ex- planations if necessary. The child who does not know how to ask: Some parents worry because their child doesn't ask questions or communicate easi- ly. The Haggadah advises these parents to "open the discussion for him." This child is part of the family and must be included — but how? Try an indirect ap- proach to get a child to talk, such as reading a book and then using it as a jumping-off point for a dis- cussion. Talking or listening while busying oneself at another task, such as preparing dinner, without looking directly at the child, may free him from feelings of being scrutinized and enable him to ask. Perhaps this is why so many children bring up ques- tions that take parents by sur- prise while driving. Parents also need to wonder, "Why is my child not asking?" Perhaps the child feels the parent is not accessible. Or maybe the child's earlier ques- tions were not answered with sensitivity ("What a silly ques- tion!" "You don't need to know that."). And so the child simply stops asking. The child who asks constantly: Though not exactly one of the four OPENING page 74