PURIM SPOOF

Why Tell

Rabbis To Wed
Straight Couples

Bob Meets E.T.

Is the Federation out of this world?

I

ELIZABETH APPLETREE ASSOCIATE EDITOR

30 rab

dren and a Jewish household,"
said one rabbi.
"A radical," complained an-
other. "These people are trying
to dispel the importance of po-
litical correctness. It's just not
done. Hopefully, it's not a
trend." Ill

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Terrorists Threaten
Miracle Mission

ALAN HITSKY FELLOW TRAVELER

ublic safety officials have
warned travelers on the
Miracle Mission II next
month that they have re-
ceived a threat from north Oak
Park.
The Missionaries have been
asked to be on the lookout for two
elderly women with gravelly
voices.
"We're trying to trace their cel-
lular phones right now," said
Jewish Federation President
David Pager.
Two callers last week threat-
ened to blockade the aisles of the
Dexter-Davison Farmer Jack
store with their shopping carts
if their demands were not met.
"They said they wanted the El
Al planes to go to Miami next
month, not Israel," Mr. Pager
said. "They said one was the
same as the other and so was the
duration of the flight."
The callers, who claimed to be
dressed in pastel jogging suits
and gaudy jewelry — the better
to blend in while in Florida, they
said — also threatened a sit-
down strike and campfire in the
middle of the El Al planes' aisles
in order to persuade local offi-
cials.
"If the Yemenite and Ethiopi-
an Jews can do it, we can too!"

p

PH OTO BY GLENN TRIEST

Q: My son's teacher refuses to with the answer. Certainly "Star
moll him in the school's gifted pro- Trek" (Hey! Don't forget that
William Shatner and Leonard
gram. She says he's no Einstein.
Nimoy are Jewish!) has made an
Could It be that my son is of aver- indelible mark on modern Amer-
age intelligence?
ican thinking. But does that com-
A: No. Clearly, your son's pare with experiencing Tori ("I'm
teacher is an idiot. As anyone Jewish, but we still celebrate
with half a brain knows, every Christmas as a family holiday')
Jewish boy and girl is the most Spelling? I think not.
intelligent child in the world.
Your choice is clear: It's
Why Tell Me recommends you "90210" all the way. And if there's
pull your son out of the school and still time, why not make "Melrose
take him someplace where he will Place" the theme of your son's bar
be appreciated for the genius that mitzvah speech?
he is.
Q: I couldn't help but notice a re-
Q: Is it ethical to yell "Kiddush!" port in a recent issue of an impor-
in a crowded synagogue?
tant and influential tabloid that
A: No matter what the situa- cited meetings between Newt Gin-
tion or possible repercussions, it
is always vital to let Jews know grich and a space alien.
That has me concerned. Could it
the moment food has become
available.
be that leaders here in Detroit, in
At a time when the Jewish our own Jewish community, are
community is torn by so many, holding secret talks with these
many issues, it's beautiful to
know the one thing that unites space aliens and we don't even
us all is — no, not Torah, not even know about it?
A: "Dear God!" I screamed in
Israel — but a love of food. There-
fore, we must foster continued in- tenor as I realized that not just
terest in and appreciation for anyone, but the head of the Fed-
eration himself has for months
anything that's edible.
The next time you're sitting in been reported holding clandes-
services and you hear Kiddush tine meetings with men from
being set up, I encourage you to Mars.
I was sitting on the front steps
follow your heart and do the right
thing. Stand up and scream at of the Federation building, mind-
the top of your lungs, "It's
time!"
You may be interrupt-
ing a prayer service. You
may be interrupting the
rabbi's sermon. You may
even have to interrupt —
gasp — your congrega-
tional announcements.
But it will be worth it. It's
that important.
Q: We are concerned
Jewish parents caught on Robert Aronson and space alien captured in
the horns of a dilemma and their clandestine meeting.
we desperately need Why
ing my own business, when I first
saw the aliens approach. Dash-
Tell Me's help.
Our son's bar mitzvah party will ing behind the nearest car, I took
; c take place this fall and we're torn out my reporter's pad and cam-
era, then crept behind the crea-
over what to do. Which would pro- tures as they walked into Bob
= vide a more meaningful bar-mitz- Aronson's office. (See completely
vah experience: decorating the unretouched photograph of the
• synagogue social hall to make it meeting).
Listening through the door, I
F- look like the starship Enterprise or
managed in only moments to
hiring the cast of "Beverly Hills grasp the reason for their talks:
90210" for the evening?
solicitations on Mars. That's
o
feWow! It's good to know there right. The Federation is looking
= are thinking folks out there strug- to expand the Campaign to oth-
gling with some of the most chal- er planets.
lenging issues of our time.
"Dear God!" I screamed again
nseultaticoonmWe iuthp in terror. "Is no one safe from calls
A bis,r
fte muyct cllom
on Super Sunday?" ❑

he Jewish Shmooze has
learned that at least
five area rabbis are per-
forming ceremonies of
commitment between hetero-
sexual couples. Called "wed-
dings," the events involve a
bride, who is usually a woman,
and a groom, typi-
cally a man. And
in these cases, the
brides and grooms
were Jewish. Five
area rabbis are be-
ing scrutinized by
the rabbinic com-
munity for con-
ducting these
ceremonies.
"The idea is for
a Jewish man and
a Jewish woman to
marry, have chil-

Make Great Lakes
Gefecal Fish
Part Of Your
Sabbath Meal

Terrorists practice blocking the aisles.

the women reportedly told Mr.
Pager.
Since word of the threats
leaked to the media, irate Mira-
cle Missionaires have besieged
public safety officials and the
Federation of Federations, de-
manding that the trip go on as
scheduled and that they all be
seated on Miracle Mission bus
No. 1 while in Israel.
The Federation president,
backed by dozens of staffers,
vowed to form three committees
to reach consensus on the issues.

"We won't take this lying down,"
he warned, "but we might."
At the same time, the Jewish
Community Council of North
and South of Eight Mile Road of-
fered to solicit statements of sup-
port from its 347.5 constituent
groups at its next delegate as-
sembly, in 1996.
The Council also issued a
press release, requesting that its
leaders' names be placed above
any others quoted in The Jewish
Shmooze. ❑

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