can't control my kids.
They have no respect for
my authority."
"I've tried every pun-
ishment under the sun,
and nothing works."
"I have so little time
with my child that I hate to spoil
it by conflicts over discipline."
Can you relate to any of these
parents? Many of us find par-
enting a very difficult and stress-
ful job. At times we all feel
frustrated, unsure of ourselves
and inadequate. Our task seems
all the more overwhelming as we
look around and see a general
breakdown of discipline in every
area of society, from the schools
to the military to the law en-
forcement system. Parents may
very well ask, "How can we teach
our children discipline when we
see so many examples of lack of
respect for rules and failure to
take responsibility for one's ac-
tions?"
At times it may seem that
everyone is out of control, but as
parents we still can counter neg-
ative influences and effect
changes in our own homes.
As parents, we want to give
our children the message that
they are loved, and we want to
raise them to have self-esteem.
We also want to teach them prob-
lem-solving and communication
skills for life, to be happy, healthy,
productive adults.
The main responsibility of par-
ents is to guide our children in
developing values and in choos-
ing right from wrong. Discipline
is an essential part of that guid-
ance, said Rabbi Hayim Halevy
Donin in To Raise a Jewish
Child.
Discipline is helping children
develop self-control by setting
limits and correcting misbehav-
ior, as defined by Marilyn E.
Gootman in How to Teach Your
Children Discipline, a publication
of the National Committee for
Prevention of Child Abuse. "Dis-
cipline also is encouraging chil-
dren, guiding them, helping them
feel good about themselves and
their choices, and teaching them
how to think for themselves," she
says. Discipline is not the same
as punishment. Ms. Gootman's
definition is significant for its pos-
itive emphasis on what we can
empower our children to do for
themselves.
Many parents today, however,
do not give their children consis-
tent discipline. One reason is that
discipline takes hard work and
persistence because children do

ILLUSTRATI ON BY BETH ANN THORNBURG H

I

The

Of Positiv

Discipline

Being firm but loving is a

winning combination in

F18

guiding children.

GAIL LIPSITZ WITH JOAN GRAYSON COHEN SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH NEWS

Gail Lipsitz is Jewish Family
Services' community relations
coordinator in Baltimore.
Joan Grayson Cohen is coordina-
tor of the JFS Child Abuse and
Neglect Prevention Program.

not learn to change their behav-
ior overnight.
Some parents feel guilty that
their work schedules require
them to be away from their fam-
ilies so much. To compensate,
they try to make their time with
their children pleasant by avoid-
ing issues of rules and authority.
And some parents fear their child
will think they are mean. Setting
limits feels less important than
having their child like them.
When is the right time to start
disciplining children? Babies can-
not understand or obey rules.
They need to learn that they can
trust their parents to care for
them. However, toddlers (ages
1 to 3) should be taught some ba-
sic limits and rules, such as "No,
you must not touch the hot stove
because you could get hurt."
Even if they are not yet talking,
they can understand much of
what adults say.
As children reach different ages
and developmental stages, their
needs for discipline change. In ad-
dition to the child's age, other cri-
teria parents should consider
when determining appropriate
discipline include the child's skills
and knowledge, safety issues, and
family rules and values. The most
significant factors are the indi-
vidual child's personality and
needs. Children in the same fam-
ily may need different kinds of dis-
cipline. One may be particularly
sensitive to yelling but respond
better to a quiet rebuke, while his
brother may be untouched by ei-
ther approach, responding instead
to being removed from the com-
pany of others.
To discipline effectively, par-
ents must have realistic expec-
tations of their children, based on
an understanding of their devel-
opmental level. What adults per-
ceive as misbehavior in a toddler
(such as picking up and then
dropping a vase, which breaks)
may simply be the result of her
natural curiosity about how the
world works, or an attempt to do
something by herself. However,
the child still needs to be taught
to respect family and social rules
and to understand that her ac-
tions have consequences.
Testing the limits of parental
authority and expressing defiance
is normal behavior for preschool
and school-age children. This be-
havior may annoy parents. But
if they understand it, they can
use it to teach children how to
navigate safely and behave in the
world, while still giving them the
freedom they need to grow, ex-
plore, and do things on their own.
To set realistic expectations of
a young child means, as much as
possible, to avoid creating situa-
tions in which he is likely to mis-
behave. Taking an overtired
3-year-old shopping or on a long