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Group offers
support to the
sandwich
generation.

RUTH LITTMANN STAFF WRITER

arcia is consumed with guilt. Her
Am I doing enough for my mother or fa- knowing, as someone who will always be
mother lies bedridden, connected to ther? I never got along well with my parent, there for us."
a feeding tube. Dementia has wiped so why am I stuck with him/her now? How
Group participants engage in candid
out her short-term memory.
do I handle my kids, my spouse, my job, fi- repartee. Marcia says the intimate setting
"This was an extremely vital nances, my home, and, on top of that, the afforded her security enough to talk about
woman who loved to bake and cook, needs of my parent?
some of her problems. She never slept well
sing and dance," Marcia says. "You
People who care for ailing aging elders of- at night. Her guilt feelings just wouldn't go
wouldn't believe she's the same per- ten begin to struggle with issues of their own away.
son now, lying there in bed with no mortality, says group facilitator Elaine Fried-
"And every time the phone rang, I won-
quality of life at all."
man. Perhaps the biggest emotional hurdle dered if it was going to be the doctor telling
Marcia (she prefers not to use her
me something disastrous had happened to
real name) is among millions of Amer-
my mother," she says. "Naturally, the group
icans facing the dilemma of the "sand-
helped. My sisters and I talked to others
wich generation." They are adults
who are in the same situation. We realized
shouldering the burden of parenting
that we are not alone, that this is to be ex-
their elderly parents and taking care of their
pected."
children, too. Many hold down full-time jobs
Barbara Hollie is the program coordina-
— Elaine Friedman
and are planning for their own retirement.
tor and a gerontology nurse practitioner
Stress often takes an emotional toll.
with Sinai. She advises the group on how to
"It gets extremely dif-
best cope with and modify
ficult to see a parent go
their parents' difficult be-
downhill," Marcia says.
havior.
"I'm guilt-ridden be-
"People with dementia
cause I feel as though
(for example) go through
I'm not dUirig" enough for
a stage when they accuse
my mom."
others of taking their
In metro Detroit, dif-
belongings. Sometimes
ferent support groups
their elderly parents
exist to serve the infor-
don't sleep at night. They
mational and emotional
don't remember or under-
needs of children with
stand. Thfre are phone
dependent parents. One
calls in the middle or 1,1̀11
group, which started
night and medical non-
last July, specifically
compliance," she says.
addresses members of
"What the care givers
the sandwich genera-
want to hear is that it's
tion.
OK to set limits and en-
"Where Do We Go
gage in some behavior
From Here?" came
modification."
about when Dr. Sarah
"Where Do We Go From
Gelberd, medical direc-
Here?" consists of four,
tor for Sinai Hospital's
90-minute sessions. Cou-
Senior Assessment Clin-
Elaine Friedman, Dr. Sarah Gelberd, Diane Sasson and Barbara Hollie
ples or siblings can attend
ic, decided to start a
discuss the sandwich generation.
for $35. Although facilita-
group for care givers
tors provide participants
who need care, too. Ad-
with information on
vice from a doctor, over the phone or dur- involves coming to terms with changing par- housing, hospice and medical care for
ing office visits, often just isn't enough.
ent/child roles.
their parents — along with pointers on how
"A lot of the questions care givers ask re-
"People will tell me, 'They were the ones to take better care of themselves — the
ally need the attention of a support group," always taking care of me, now the tables have balance of each session is devoted to discus-
she says.
turned,' " says Ms. Friedman, who is also em- sion.
The forum she created — with the help of ployed at Jewish Federation Apartments as
"I think that's very important," Dr. c;
Diane Sasson at Allen Home Health Care in a certified social worker. "It's a very difficult Gelberd says. "To be able to laugh and
Southfield — addresses a myriad of care- reality to face because most of us look at our cry about it in a group can be very thera-
givers' most worrisome issues:
parents as immortal, all-powerful and all- peutic." 0

"It's a very difficult
reality to face."

