PARENTING

separate candles. At the finale,
her parents and siblings, as
well as her stepmother, came
up to blow out the candles.
Aimee's parents agreed on
putting just their first names
on the invitation, and during
the bat mitzvah service just her
parents were on the bimah.
"I was very lucky that my
parents worked it all out," she
says.
"Everyone said it was weird
because we all got along," says
Alan Dorfman, Aimee's father.
Bar and bat mitzvah time
can be stressful for all families,
especially when remarriage
and stepparenting are involved.
Quarrels can erupt over the
wording on the invitations, fi-
nancial responsibility, the guest
list, seating arrangement and
distribution of aliyot. When
families approach these cele-
brations with anger and acri-
mony, a happy occasion can
turn sorrowful or at best, result
in an unsatisfying compromise.
An article in the spring 1994
Journal of Jewish Communal
Service by Ann Hartman, Sal-
ly Weber and Rabbi Stewart
Vogel explains a pilot program

at Temple Valley Beth Shalom
in Encino, Calif. and the Jew-
ish Family Service of Los An-
geles to help families with these
complicated decisions during
bar and bat mitzvah celebra-
tions. The program, "Celebra-
tion and Negotiation: Working
with Divorced and Remarried
Families Approaching Bar/Bat
Mitzvah Celebrations," has a
working title which clearly
states its purpose: "How to Get
the Battle off the Bimah."
A two-facet approach in-
cludes educating congregants
and staffto the sensitive issues
in life-cycle celebrations and op-
erating problem-solving work-
shops for families preparing for
these occasions.
The program's family work-
shops include a rabbi and a so-
cial worker. Specific step-by
-step information on the bar/bat
mitzvah service and prepara-
tion as well as problem-solving
techniques are provided.
Rabbi M. Robert Syme, of

Temple Israel, recalls an inci-
dent when a family wanted a
child's bar mitzvah held with-
out the biological father pre-
sent. He counseled the family
gently and met with the child
separately to find out his feel-
ings. The child, who lived with
his mother and stepfather, was
scared to admit that he did in-
deed want his father there. The

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
he
contemporary
Jewish family,
like the contemporary
American family,
includes single
parents, gay parents,
divorced parents,
stepparents and a
myriad of children.

situation was extremely diffi-
cult since the stepfather and
mother were supporting the
child financially.
When Rabbi Syme remet
with the family as a group, he
reminded them of Jewish tra-
dition which says the biological
parent should be included in
the service unless he chooses
not to attend.
"I protected the boy," said
Rabbi Syme. "We do this all the
time."
Rabbi Syme often has to re-
mind families who bring anger
to the synagogue that the syn-
agogue is holy. "It means when
you come into the synagogue,
you don't bring in unclean
thoughts or behavior. To teach
the child the meaning of holi-
ness means being sensitive to
the feelings of others," he ex-
plains.
Rabbi Syme and Rabbi Nel-
son both remarked that the
guiding principle is to keep the
focus on the celebrant and the
meaning of simcha. Rabbi Nel-
son believes that in most cases,
this happens.

SIMCHA page P16

Ten
Commandments
For Bar/Bat
Mitzvah

RABBI DAVID NELSON
CONGREGATION BETH SHALOM

SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH NEWS

1. Focus on the mitzvah — not
the bar (old phrase, but it says it
all).
2. Your child is a partner, not a
pawn. Ask opinions --- consult
with the honoree. The more in-
volvement, the more commitment!
Your child should remember more
than just the thank you notes
he/she wrote.
3. Teach the importance of
tzedakah:
a. by making a donation in
honor of bar/bat mitzvah
b. by making your son/ daugh
ter realize that not everyone has
the means to have a lavish party,
4. Don't lose sight of the overall
purpose.
5. Demand a contract — bar/bat
mitzvah is a begimiing, a point on
a time line. Now, what's the com-
mitment to future skills?
6. Aim for growth. Everyone
should come away from the
bar/bat mitzvah with new skills,
whether ifs the aliya.h blessing or
Torah reading skills.
7. Make the celebrant comfort-
able: Don't settle old scores with
the congregation as the audience.
No family fights. They are not for
the bimah. Remember, it's all
about your child.
8. Make the congregation com-
fortable. Appropriate shul behav-
ior should be practiced. You are
not the official greeter or master
of ceremonies; you are there to
participate in a religious celebra-
tion.
9. Study up for the occasion—
know your part.
10. Enjoy and kvell.

P15

