PARENTING
A Little Help From Mom
.
A Boston
mother has
put together
a national
Jewish
singles
directory
for parents.
ROBIN SOSLOW
SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH NEWS
all it a constructive al-
ternative to meddling,
nagging and arranging
blind dates with an
old friend's sister's
single professional
son/daughter who's go-
ing to be in town for
the weekend.
It's the "Parents of
Adult Jewish Singles" Directory,
an ambitious compilation of Jew-
ish singles' profiles lovingly sub-
mitted by their concerned parents,
siblings, grandparents and friends.
But (not surprisingly) mostly by
moms. The first issue will be pub-
lished — and mailed to the fea-
tured singles — within the next
few weeks.
The directory, to be issued and
updated three times a year, is the
brainchild of Dinah Miller of Wa-
ban, Mass. The mission of Parents
of Adult Jewish Singles and the
new organization's directory is to
build Jewish connections nation-
wide for friendship, romance and
holiday companionship.
"More Jewish connections will
ultimately mean more Jewish mar-
riages," explains Mrs. Miller.
The mother of a 33-year-old son
– unmarried, naturally – Mrs.
Miller's effort is a direct response
to concerns about slowing the pace
of assimilation. Says the Boston
area resident: "We can be helpful
and encouraging to our adult chil-
ILLUSTRATION BY TOM CHAUKLEY
dren in a non-intrusive way."
In other words, the directory
gives concerned parents the op-
portunity to act as catalysts, in-
stead of busybodies.
Listings of both parents and sin-
gles will appear in the new Adult
Jewish Singles Directory by code,
with no last names to protect pri-
vacy. The listings are indexed
geographically. After the listings
appear, it's up to the singles to
make contacts if they choose.
Interested people would call, fax
or e-mail Mrs. Miller, who would
then arrange for the parties to talk
by phone if there is mutual interest.
For $54 a year, membership in-
cludes a singles listing in the three
editions of the directory she has
planned for each year.
It's another avenue for meeting
people.
"This is not only a new path for
dating, but for those relocating, it
is a good way to meet new Jewish
friends or find companions with
shared interests," suggests Mrs.
Miller. "It doesn't have to lead to
hot and heavy romance, although
that would be great."
As many have pointed out, the
already-small Jewish population
is shrinking through intermar-
riage. Studies have indicated that
about one in two marriages of Jew-
ish singles now is to a non-Jewish
partner. In those marriages where
a Jewish individual marries a non-
Jew, conversions to Judaism are
extremely low — and getting low-
er, according to research by the Co-
hen Center for Modern Jewish
Studies at Brandeis University.
Clearly, any strategy that can
expand Jewish singles' circle of
Jewish friends can help. And nat-
urally, many parents worry that
their busy, accomplished singles
are missing out on the pleasures of
having a life-partner.
"What has shocked the heck out
of me is that within just a few
months, I've heard from people in
more than 30 states, including
Hawaii," says Mrs. Miller. She has
received well over 500 inquiries.
Some calls are coming in for areas
where there are not a lot of Jews,
where parents hope their unmar-
ried children can find some com-
panionship for the Jewish holidays.
"It's amazing how many fami-
lies are dying to help out," adds
Mrs. Miller. Several have volun-
teered time and talents to help
make PAJES a success — from
two mothers in New Orleans to
a synagogue in Pennsylvania.
Mrs. Miller recently spoke
with a woman who wants
to start an intensified, re-
gional effort in Phoenix,
Ariz.
The novel idea came to
Mrs. Miller over dinner.
She was visiting her son
in California's Silicon Val-
ley. While dining in a lo-
cal restaurant, her son
told her about a happy
young couple sitting sev-
eral tables away. They
had been brought to-
gether by an Indian di-
rectory, put together
between mothers of adult
singles. The mothers had
suggested they get together.
"With the young Indian man's
permission, I called his mother,"
recalls Mrs. Miller. The two
mothers discussed the direc-
tory, and how much inter-
vention was typically
acceptable to young In-
dian adults.
"We Jews have always
found our own solutions to
our own issues, and I saw that
here's something we could adapt
and make our own," says Mrs.
Miller, calling her new acquain-
tance from India an excellent in-
structor. "She wound up by offer-
ing the names of two of her nieces
for my son," says a smiling Mrs.
Miller, but they opted to hold off.
After all, she says, "We were all try-
ing to maintain our traditions."
Mrs. Miller used the Indian di-
rectory as a model. For her venture,
parents would provide their un-
married children's profiles, then
the directories would be sent to the
singles. "Now parents can do some-
thing so they don't feel helpless but
are not intruding," emphasizes
Mrs. Miller. "This way, they can
say their piece and then back off."
Some parents see membership as
a nice, unusual gift for their chil-
dren.
"I have an unmarried son in his
late 20s," says one PAJES partic-
ipant in Connecticut. "He is won-
derful, nice looking and I hope he
can find someone to share his life
with."
Indeed, even though the son pos-
sesses all of these attractive qual-
ities — as well as a master's degree
and a good career helping others
— meeting people is not easy.
"It's a different world today,"
says the mother, Irene. "It can be
scary for parents and kids these
days." Though "old fashioned" in
some ways, the directory offers an-
other option. Says Irene, "I feel like
a catalyst."
She talked with her son to get
his consent before submitting
his profile to PAJES. "He knows I
have his best interests at heart."
For a while, she says, "he was
not particularly interested in be-
ing Jewish, although he had a
Jewish education." But recently,
after talking with a friend from Is-
rael, he commented that it was
good to have that kind of bond in
common.
Likewise, Trudy Kaufman of
Newton, Mass., spoke with her un-
married thirty-something daugh-
ter before making the PAJES
move. I've had a partner my whole
life, and I want the same thing for
my daughter," says Mrs. Kaufman,
honestly adding with a smile, "I am
more worried than she is."
This is often the case: the moth-
er worries, while the attractive,
well-educated, self-sufficient
daughter enjoys her single, active
lifestyle. On the other hand, the di-
rectory may "introduce" the daugh-
ter to more people who share her
interests. "If something develops,
wonderful," says Mrs. Kaufman.
"If not, it's like a donation to char-
ity."
MOM page P29
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