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Shalom also is aware of a rabbi's the signals if someone is uncom-
place regarding touching. His fortable with a hug. And, there
code: be careful. Someone he are people who misinterpret re-
might have hugged in the earlier ality."
The issue of appropriate touch
part of his career he is wary of
and counseling relationships is
touching now.
"There are certain people you being discussed at the Jewish
get to know over the years who Theological Seminary of the
are flirts," he said. "They are se- Conservative movement and at
ductive. You know when they two campuses of the Hebrew
come to see you the door stays Union College of the Reform
open. Suppose you are accused of movement in both student rab-
touching by someone. binical courses and among the
Once those charges are schools' respective leaders.
"For a rabbi, this is a very dif-
made, they never go
away. At one time I ficult issue," said Rabbi William
might have hugged a Lebeau, dean of the Jewish
kid during his bar mitz- Theological Seminary. 'There are
vah. I don't anymore." times when a touch of the hand
Rabbi Nelson said or an embrace gives a person
that he noticed sever- strength or confidence. At the
al years ago that same time, you don't know what
charges started surfac- people want all of the time.
"There are legitimate ques-
ing against colleagues
around the country. tions," he added. 'What does hug-
Even when proven in- ging and kissing a congregant
nocent, those labels mean, and what gives a rabbi the
license to do it? Some of these
never escape them.
'We're gun-shy a lit- questions are good, but some take
tle bit," he said. "It's a away the spontaneity of the won-
price we must pay. It's drous force of a hug."
Rabbi Arthur Gross-Schaefer,
regrettable. But people
have made sexual sug- associate professor of law and
gestions to me, and it's ethics at Loyola, Marymount
safer for me to just keep University in Los Angeles, is
the door open at this putting together educational m
point. I've also had peo- terials in the area of rabbinic s_ta -
ple who have said ual boundary violations that he
shocking things to me." hopes will be used as part of the
Rabbi Amy Brodsky: Vividly remembers her rabbi's
Temple Kol Ami's training of Reform rabbis. He said
friendship with her family.
Rabbi Norman Roman that he is borrowing information
personal, with women. Another goes through a mental checklist from Catholic and Lutheran tra-
rabbi has his secretary strategi- before one-on-one counseling. Part ditions because Jewish institu-
cally come into the office to leave of that list is whether to keep the tions lag far behind in recognizing
this as a problem.
a note or search for a book during door open.
"We need to trust our rabbis,"
"The rabbi's office should be a
a private meeting.
One thing is certain. Things place of refuge," he said. "A rabbi he said. 'We automatically pre-
have changed. Rabbi Amy has to be able to offer closeness suppose a rabbi would never do
anything not in our best interest.
Brodsky of Temple Emanu-E1 re- without sexual overtones."
Rabbi Sherwin Wine of the We give our rabbis that trust, and
members a time when it was the
Birmingham there are some who abuse it."
most natural sight in
Temple doesn't Rabbi Gross-Schaefer said that
the world for her fam-
have any concerns other professionals — such as at-
ily's rabbi to hug and
about kissing or torneys and physicians — can lose
kiss her parents. Now,
licenses if convicted of sexual mis-
hugging.
she doesn't want to of-
fend anyone who
wants to plant a kiss,
but there are times she
admits she'd rather not
receive one.
"Most people think
that, because I'm a
woman, I'm supposed
to be kissed," she said.
"I think it's sad not to
show a sign of friend- Arnie Weiner: BBYO is
ship with someone. I seen as a safe place.
definitely remember
seeing my rabbi hug
my dad. It was some-
thing special, a unique
relationship. There are
those people I'm close Rabbi Norman Roman: A
mental checklist
to, and not to hug them
prepared.
seems funny.
"But there are
"I'm a rational, discreet per- conduct.
times, like in a receiving line,
There is nothing, he said, that
where I put out my hand for a son," he said. "It's appropriate for
handshake. I try to make this my leaders to show their paternal or a rabbi can lose other than a job.
statement. I don't want to turn friendly concern for people. In many cases, rabbis who have
anyone off, but this is where I Boundaries are drawn by com- been fired by congregations for
mon sense. You have a friend, sexual misconduct pop up again
draw a line."
Rabbi David Nelson of Beth you hug a friend. You can pick up in other leadership positions.
just the licentiousness of the
times, it's the perception — in a
day when our loftiest of leaders
emerge sullied in the dirt of sex-
ual innuendo and crime — that a
careful handshake keeps the ru-
mors at a distance.
It's not just in public, though,
that rabbis watch how they car-
ry themselves. One rabbi tells of
keeping his office door open dur-
ing counseling, no matter how