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STEP page 95

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The Aviv residence is home
to Stephanie Etkin, 11, from
Mrs. Aviv's first marriage;
Rachel and Sari Aviv, 11 and
14, from Mr. Aviv's first mar-
riage; and Elizabeth, or
"Lizzie," 19 months, a prod-
uct of the Avivs' almost five-
year marriage.
When Stephanie and
Rachel were 3 years old, the
girls attended the same
preschool and quickly became

have joint custody arrange-
ments.
The girls have a say in de-
termining their own visita-
tion arrangements,and both
Mr. and Mrs. Aviv agree this
is an important key to a suc-
cessful stepfamily situation.
The Avivs feel that the
main difficulties are the lo-
gistics in keeping track of
where everyone has to be on
any given night, and the

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MERCURY

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Richard Victor:
Birmingham attorney specializing in family law.

best friends. The relationship
between the Avivs began as
a friendship, with shared
family activities centering
around their daughters.
The Avivs attribute their
history, in part, to their suc-
cess as a "blended" family.
"Because we spent a great
deal of time together before,
we felt integrated as a fami-
ly before we got married," Ms.
Aviv said. "We had virtually
no transition period."
The children agree.
"The only thing different
was that there was a wed-
ding," Stephanie said.
There was some ambiva-
lence among the girls when
the news of a new addition
was first announced (Rachel
wanted a new baby and the
other two girls were undecid-
ed), but Lizzie is now clearly
the center of attention as she
frolics from sister to sister.
"They're all nuts about her,
and she's crazy about them,"
Ms. Aviv said.
Both of the Avivs' former
spouses live nearby, and both

number of people involved in
planning vacations and holi-
days.
Like the Appelmans, fam-
ily mealtime and traditions
such as Shabbat dinner and
Jewish holiday celebrations
have become important to the
Avivs. So have family vaca-
tions, which are taken about
twice a year.
"That's when we really
have a chance to bond and
build our own family history,"
Ms. Aviv said.
Although the Avivs have
found a way to make their
family work, they realize
there is no magic formula for
prospective stepfamilies.
"We could have been two
separate families in the same
house with parents who are
married, but we're not," Sari
said. `We're one family."
Not all stepfamiles are as
successful as the Appelmans
and the Avivs.
Richard S. Victor, a Birm-
ingham attorney who spe-
cializes in family law, divorce
and custody issues, sees

many families after they have
deteriorated beyond repair.
He has definite thoughts on
preventing problems from
reaching that point.
When a divorce occurs, Mr.
Victor believes a comprehen-
sive judgment can serve as a
roadmap for the future, even
when the parents eventually
remarry. A good judgment —
one which spells out custody
arrangements — vacations,
religious issues and other ar-
eas of potential conflict, can
keep the parties from coming
back to court every time a
problem arises. Sometimes,
behavioral-science specialists
are called in to hammer out
the agreements.
"Parents are looking at the
knotholes in the trees," he
said. "Our job is to help them
step back and see the whole
forest. Also, what a child says
he wants is not necessarily
what he really wants or what
is best."
Mr. Victor was one of the
developers of SMILE, Start
Making It Liveable for Every-
one, an educational program
for separating or divorced
parents with minor children.
SMILE is sponsored by the
judges of the 6th Judicial Cir-
cuit of Michigan and Oakland
County Friend of the Court
and is now being implement-
ed in several other states
throughout the country.
Mr. Victor advises step-
parents to be aware of their
legal rights and limitations.
Many schools or institutions
will not release a child to a
stepparent unless the biolog-
ical parent provides written
permission. The same is true
of medical care.
He also works with grand-
parents to help maintain con-
tact with their grandchildren.
"Parents have to realize
that even though former in-
laws are no longer your fam-
ily, they're still your
children's grandparents," he
said. "Children have a right
to the unconditional love that
grandparents offer. If death
take a grandparent away,
that's a tragedy. If bickering
takes him or her away, that's
a shame."
"The American family has
changed, and we need to rec-
ognize third-party (anyone
other than a biological par-
ent) rights," Mr. Victor added.

Where To Go For Help:
SPACE for Changing Fam-
ilies, 258-6606;
Stepfamily Association of
America, 642-2340;
Grandparents Rights Or-
ganization, 646-7191;
SMILE — Oakland Coun-
ty Friend of the Court, 858-
0424. ❑