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DETROIT

THE JEWISH NU?

PURIM SPOOF 5754

Dr. Kevorkian Named
Boring Hall Head

Not another Boring Hall story. Community assured this will be
the last one. But that's what they said last time.

IF

PHIL J. COBB NOT SO SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH NEWS

ederation has announced that Dr.
Jack Kevorkian is its most recent
choice for executive director of
Boring Hall.
Dr. Kevorkian has guaranteed
Federation board members that they will
not have too much longer to worry about
the remaining 150 residents of the be-
leaguered nursing care home.
"Don't worry about a thing," fumed Dr.
Kevorkian. "I'll just park my van in the
parking lot, and we'll see what happens."
Dr. Kevorkian, also known in some cir-
cles as "Black" Jack Kevorkian and "Dr.

Death," is Federation's 47th choice for the
position since January 1. Dr. Kevorkian
succeeds Jeffrey Dahmer, Gomez Adams,
Bob Probert, Richard Simmons, Tonya
Harding, and Beevis and Butthead as
the most recent selection.
"This is a great step for us, especially
before we have to spend another $5 mil-
lion on 150 people," said Federation
executive vice president Ulysses S.
"Jeb" Aronson. "I'm not a betting man,
but I'm sure we're not going to have to
worry about any more directors after this
one." ❑

Whole New Ball Game
At Sara's Deli

L

ittle Caesar's owner Mike Hitch an-
nounced today the acquisition of
Sara's Glatt Kosher Deli. The restau-
rant will be quickly absorbed into the
pizza empire. There will be few changes
to the actual foods sold at the only full-ser-
vice kosher restaurant in town. However,
there will be some menu changes.
Sara's will offer "Crazy Challah" with
all of its meals as well as an introductory
"kishka kishka" promotion as well as
chicken soup for a buck, or in Sara's case,
make that two bucks. Sara's will also adopt
a former Domino's pledge: it will from now
on make sure that food is served to cus-
tomers in less than 30 minutes after it is

w

(../)

LU

C.)
CC

LU

LLJ

30

ordered...but don't push it.
To satisfy everyone's level of kashruth
in this highly selective community, Mr.
flitch, Ernie Harwell, Kirk Gibson and
Cecil Fielder will supervise Sara's.
`They got a problem, they can come to
me," said Mr. Fielder while swinging a
bag of weighted bats from the on-deck cir-
cle in Lakeland, Fla.
Mr. flitch also announced the team's
first promotion. If the team is able to ne-
gotiate a lower contract with a ball play-
er, ticket holders to an upcoming game
will be able to bring their ticket stubs in
to Sara's for a free glass of water. This is
a limited-time offer. ❑

Sa lvia)
DELICATESSEN
& RESTAURANT

01.D
PASIIION

TWki411.1kT°E‘lika

Dr. Jack Kevorkian, new Boring Hall director.

Mission Takes
Everybody

LESLEY POIL SHE WRITES SOME OF THE COPY

o much was said and written
about the successful 1993 Miracle
Mission to Israel that Federation
leadership decided it would be a
fun idea to move all of Detroit's Jews
there for 10 days.
The Mission will involve 1,900 El
Al Jets, 3,000
Egged busses,
one million bot-
tles of mineral
water, and more
toilet paper
than anyone can
imagine. Mission
goers will all
stay in the Ren-
a is s a n c e
Ramada Hotel.
An extra elevator
has been added.
Because of this
dramatic deci-
sion, area munic-
ipalities have
been informed early on. Indeed, the
Oakland County court system, several
hospitals, 27 beauty parlors and every
Chinese restaurant for miles have
announced they will be renting
planes to accompany their customers to
Israel.
The only Jews to stay behind
will be the Vaad Ha'Rabanim. In a
statement, the Vaad said they
weren't sure what kind of kashruth
they would find in a place like
Israel. ❑

S

MICHIGAN
MIRACLE
MISSION