of meeting Jewish dating part-
ners with disabilities has been
discussed, no solutions have
been found. Ms. Bockoff re-
ceived a few letters from Jew-
ish men when she first joined
Handicapped Introductions, but
she dismissed the men as "ar-
rogant New Yorkers."
About 10 percent of the ser-
vice's male members and 12
percent of its female members
are Jewish, with most members
concentrated in the Eastern
states.
Ms. Bockoff feels more com-
fortable dating someone who
also uses a wheelchair, al-
though not all people with dis-
abilities share this belief.
"The general public may feel
that one handicapper should be
attracted to another," Ms.
Haenick said. "People need to
form relationships based on
their interests and whether or
not they can communicate, not
on their handicaps. Com-
munication is No. 1. If that
fails, the relationship will
fail."
Although Ms. Bockoff is
happy in her new rela-
tionship, she is even hap-
pier with herself and the
person she has become.
"If someone told me I
could walk tomorrow, I
don't know if I would. Dike
myself as a person so much
more now than when I was
able-bodied. I was a Jew-
ish housewife. Now I re-
ally feel like I'm making a
contribution."
For many people with
developmental disabilities,
dating can pose some
unique challenges in addi-
tion to the typical problems
faced by the general popu-
lation of singles today.
Couples Yvonne Van-
denberg and Richard Graff
and Denise Anderson and
Harold Folkoff have found a
way to meet those challenges
while enjoying worthwhile dat-
ing relationships.
These four people participate
in the JARC (Jewish Asso-
ciation for Residential Care) In-
dependent Living Program,
which provides support services
for men and women with de-
velopmental disabilities who
have the skills to live indepen-
dently.
Yvonne Vandenberg, 39, and
Richard Graff, 47, both of Oak
Park, have known each other
longer than many married cou-
ples. They first met in 1973, at
a program for people with de-
velopmental disabilities at the
Jewish Community Center on
Meyers in Detroit.
After being "just friends" for
a few years, Mr. Graff finally
made the move to ask Ms. Van-
denberg for a date. She accept-
ed, and the two started dating
steadily.
Like most modern couples,
Ms. Vandenberg and Mr. Graff
must balance their dating life
with the demands of their busy
schedules.
Mr. Graff works four
evenings a week in the Men's
Health Club at the Jewish
Community Center in West
Bloomfield, although he hopes
to eventually switch to a day-
time position there.
Ms. Vandenberg works three
days a week for a cousin's
business and does volun-
teer office work at Provi-
dence Hospital. She also en-
joys spending time at the
Jewish Community Center,
participating in the Thurs-
day night social programs
and attending an acting
class. Her most recent role
well," Mr. Graff agreed.
Neither Ms. Vandenberg or
Mr. Graff belongs to a syna-
gogue, but they usually cele-
brate the Jewish holidays with
their families, sometimes bring-
ing each other along.
Last May, the couple took
their first airplane trip togeth-
er to Orlando, Fla., where they
visited Disney World and Epcot
Center.
"We had so much fun we
didn't want to come home," Mr.
Graff said.
Although they have no plans
to marry in the near future,
selves together during a JARC-
sponsored trip to Cedar Point,
and their dating relationship
began.
"I was attracted to her per-
sonality, the way she looked, the
openness she has," Mr. Folkoff
said.
The feeling was mutual for
Ms. Anderson, 37, who lives in
Southfield. "I liked him as a
person, the way he presented
himself," she said. "I liked him
as a boyfriend, too."
Mr. Folkoff works full time
at the Agency for Jewish Edu-
cation in Southfield. As a hob-
The wheelchair changed
Barbara Bockoff's life In many
positive ways.
Mr. Viery's independence
Inspired Ms. Bockoff to do
more on her own.
was that of Yenta the Match-
maker in Fiddler on the Roof
As a couple, they enjoy
movies, either at a local theater
or on Yvonne's VCR. Like most
couples, they sometimes dis-
agree on what to see, since
Richard likes violent movies
and Yvonne does not.
Sometimes they double-date
with another couple they met
through JARC.
The two seldom argue. "Our
differences are over little things
— nothing in particular," Ms.
Vandenberg said.
"We usually get along pretty
they definitely enjoy being a
couple. In all their years of dat-
ing, they have never contem-
plated breaking up.
"I'd probably miss her too
much," Mr. Graff said.
Harold Folkoff, 42, has an ex-
tra reason to celebrate when his
birthday comes around. It was
at his own birthday party that
he first met Denise Anderson,
the woman he has been dating
for the last six years.
For the first year after their
initial meeting, the two saw
each other only at group func-
tions. Then they found them-
by, he enjoys ceramics and
proudly displays numerous ex-
amples of his work in his Oak
Park apartment.
Ms. Anderson works at a
clothing store in Oakland Mall.
Both do volunteer work for
JARC, helping out with last
fall's annual fund-raiser.
Spending time together is of-
ten difficult because of their
busy work schedules and be-
cause neither of them drives.
They try to spend Sunday af-
ternoons together — visiting a
mall, going to the movies, at-
tending a baseball game or just
taking a long walk. Sometimes
Mr. Folkoff will visit Ms. An-
derson at work on Saturdays.
Although they would like to go
out on Saturday nights, they
cannot because there is no con-
venient nighttime public tran-
sit.
"Transportation is difficult,
but we do the best we can," Mr.
Folkoff said. "We like just be-
ing together, spending time to-
gether."
The couple does manage to
stay in touch by talking on the
telephone two or three times
every day.
Like a growing number
of couples today, Mr.
Folkoff and Ms. Anderson
have an interfaith rela-
tionship; he is Jewish and
she is Lutheran. They say
that this poses no particu-
lar problems for them.
Because of their religious
differences, they tend to
celebrate the holidays
separately. Mr. Folkoff
usually spends the Jewish
holidays with his family,
and Ms. Anderson spends
Christmas with hers.
Sometimes the two cele-
brate Chanukah together,
either with friends, or
last year, at a party at
Temple Emanu-El in Oak
Park.
Although they have gone
on chaperoned group trips
sponsored by JARC, the
couple has never traveled
alone. Mr. Folkoff went to
Israel last year with the
Miracle Mission and would
like to return someday with
Ms. Anderson.
There are no immediate
marriage plans, but they
definitely plan on contin-
uing their relationship.
Not all people with de-
velopmental disabilities
have been as successful as
these two couples when it
comes to forming and sus-
taining relationships.
According to Ruthe
Levy, supervisor of the
JARC Independent Living
Program, certain dating
problems are more prevalent
among people with develop-
mental disabilities.
Meeting potential dating
partners is often difficult.
"Many people with disabilities
don't want to attend a 'handi-
capped' group with a label, yet
they aren't always accepted in
so-called 'normal' groups," she
said. "If they don't find some-
one within our JARC circle,
they often feel they have
nowhere to go."
Transportation is also a
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