Challenged Dating

feels that finding a Jewish part-
ner would be more important if
she were considering marriage
and children. Since her three
daughters are grown and re-
marriage is not currently in her
plans, religion is not a major fac-
tor in the relationship.
She enjoys Mr. Viery's com-
pany and credits him for
"about 75 percent of my inde-
pendence."
"Before I only went to a mall
if I had someone along who
could push me," she said. "John
is more disabled than I am and
he goes everywhere without any
help. Some of his independence
rubbed off on me."
According to Ms. Bockoff,
their disabilities do not restrict
their dating life as long as they
patronize only those establish-
ments that are accessible to peo-
ple using wheelchairs.
Except for sports and physi-
cal activities, their dating plans
are typical of most couples:
movies, restaurants, dinners
with friends and visits to the lo-
cal malls. Both share an inter-
est in computers, communicat-
ing daily through "E-mail." In
nice weather, they enjoy picnics
in the Ann Arbor area.
Barbara Bockoff and John
Finding someone who ap-
Viery met through a
preciates her as a woman
communications network fo
has made a big difference in
"I have all disabled singles.
Ms. Bockoffs life. 'When
the qualities
someone besides your par-
that, if I were able-bodied,
ents tells you you're beautiful,
would make me a very good
it's wonderful," she said. "I've
catch, but put a wheelchair un-
felt feelings I didn't think I'd feel
derneath me, and all of that
again."
goes away," she said.
Since becoming physically
She began to wonder about
disabled, Ms. Bockoff has got-
her "marketability."
ten involved in a number of
About three years after her
community activities. She does
divorce, a co-worker saw a
volunteer work at Fleischman
"Joan Rivers" show about a na-
residence in West Bloomfield,
tional dating service for people
serves on the board of directors
with disabilities called Handi-
and the special needs commit-
capped Introductions. She en-
tee of the Jewish Community
couraged Ms. Bockoff to become
Center and co-facilitates a sup-
a member, and it was not long
port group for Jewish people
before she began receiving re-
with physical disabilities at
sponses from men from all over
Temple Israel.
the country.
She was thrilled when Rab-
After a few false starts, Ms.
bi M. Robert Syme approached
Bockoff began corresponding
her to lead the support group.
with a man from Ann Arbor,
She enlisted the help of Anita
who had multiple sclerosis (MS)
Haenick, a physical therapist
and used a wheelchair. Final-
and counselor at the Beaumont
ly she agreed to meet him for
Rehabilitation and Health Cen-
lunch. Three years later, the re-
ter in Birmingham. The group,
lationship is still flourishing.
which has about nine regular
Although John Viery is not
members, incorporates guest
Jewish, Ms. Bockoff does not
speakers with general support
consider this a problem. She
sessions. Although the problem

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Disabilities make

meeting mates

T HE DE TROI T J E WIS H NEWS

difficult, but not

98

impossible.

RONELLE CHER

SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH NEWS

magine yourself, newly di-
vorced, about to reenter
the dating world after 25
years of marriage. Scary?
Add to the equation a pro-
, gressively debilitating
ease that has left you par-
alyzed from the chest down,
unable to walk or enjoy any of
the physical activities you used
to love. Try terrified.
This was the situation of Bar-
bara Bockoff, who discovered
she had a cyst inside her spinal
cord, caused by a condition
called syringomyelia. After two
surgeries, the second of which
was unsuccessful, she regressed
from walking independently to
using a cane, then a walker
and, finally, a wheelchair, all
within six months.
"The hardest part was that
I'd been so physically active —
tennis, jogging, a cheerleader in
high school," said Ms. Bockoff,
who lives in Bloomfield Hills. "I
had to change my mental pic-
ture of myself and become a
whole new person."
The illness affected her 25-

year marriage, which ended in
divorce six years ago. Ms. Bock-
off harbors no resentment, how-
ever, and remains close friends
with her ex-husband, attorney
Richard Bockoff, who has since
remarried. She even credits the
divorce for her newfound inde-
pendence, which she claims she
would never have achieved as
a married person.
Adjusting to the loss of her
physical mobility was one thing,
reentering the dating scene was
quite another. She went
through an initial period of self-
pity and despondency.
"I had gained weight (from
the inactivity), I stopped wear-
ing makeup, and I needed a
new hairdo," she said. "In the
beginning I just didn't care
about myself."
Finally, she pulled herself out
of the depression, lost 43 pounds
through Weight Watchers, had
her hair restyled and began
wearing makeup again. She
was ready to date, but found it
difficult to meet eligible part-
ners.

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