Editor's. Notebook
Community Views
When Children Ask
About Their Magic
Awareness Of Reality
Leads To Value Base
HARLENE W. APPELMAN SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH NEWS
There is a great
song from a
Broadway show
that asked,
"What's the mat-
ter with kids to-
day? Why can't
they be like we
were, perfect in
every way?"
Clearly our par-
ents asked the
same about us.
But I would pro-
pose that we are
facing a far greater
crisis. The things
many of our young
people are doing
today are not the
same as we did
when we were re-
belling.
Several years
ago, I had the op-
portunity to show
a trigger film to a
group of parents at
one of the religious
schools. The film
showed a 13-year-
old boy who, while
involved in some
vandalism with his
friends, ended up
killing the very an-
imals he loved
most, a herd of
deer. When I
turned to the par-
ents to discuss the
film, I was sur-
prised to hear that
none of them felt
that such random
vandalism could happen with-
in our own Jewish community.
I asked how many had been at
bar or bat mitzvah parties
where the hall or synagogue had
been trashed by the party go-
ers? There was an embarrassed
silence.
Many young people from both
the University of Michigan and
Michigan State University sit
at my Shabbat and holiday
table. All of them tell me the
same thing: "It's out of control."
The "it" I'm afraid is "us." The
use of drugs, the stealing and
random acts of violence and
date rape loom large on the Jew-
ish college scene. And I think it
has truly gone beyond the ran-
dom games of adolescence.
Jewish Greek organizations
have been disciplined and even
closed down for anything from
inappropriate to criminal be-
havior. Young Jewish men and
women are confronted with peer
pressures far beyond what we
experienced at the same stage
in the life cycle. These kids have
been called "burdened teens" or
Hariene Appelman is the educa-
tional director of the Agency for
Jewish Education.
in an article by Lucinda Franks
in the Oct. 10 New York Times,
"little big people." Burdened,
not because they are financial-
ly deprived, but bur- dened be-
cause of the number of choices
confronting them and their gen-
eral disenfranchisement from
the community.
I am not trying to point a fin-
ger. Rather, I am trying to raise
an issue and perhaps raise con-
sciousness. When I speak to
parents in a variety of settings,
they express this exact same
fear and tell the same stories.
What most concerns me is that
we're all keeping these issues to
ourselves. Nobody's saying any-
The use of drugs,
the stealing, acts
of violence and
date rape loom
large on the Jewish
college scene.
thing. Parents aren't sharing
this information with anyone,
even with each other. I fear that
we aren't even discussing it with
our children: either because we
don't feel that it is relevant or
affecting our families, or be-
cause we are fearful of being ac-
cused of not understanding, of
being old-fashioned or of being
out of touch with reality.
Further, when we, as Jewish
professionals, have contact and
the opportunity to work with
young people on these issues,
we really don't take advantage
of the chance. We rarely talk
about these behaviors because
we are afraid of losing the kids.
My fear is that we have lost
these kids, if not physically, then
spiritually. We're missing some
important oppor-
tunities: These
kids come back to
the Jewish com-
munity for sum-
mer jobs and
internships. This
is an opportunity
to raise these is-
sues.
"It took me a
long time to un-
derstand it, but
the psychological
trait you need to
be an effective
person and a
moral person has
one common de-
nominator —
that is, you must
control your im-
pulses. A moral
person is some-
body who, when
he or she feels an
impulse, can de-
fer responding
long enough to
pass judgment
about the appro-
priateness of the
action. That's
what separates
us from the ani-
mals. The animals give in to
their impulses; we pass judg-
ment. All the rest is
details...Now, the capacity to de-
fer impulses is exactly what you
need to do math and reading
and writing and be a good work-
er. The capacity to defer im-
pulses is half of what we should
teach; the other half is to be sym-
pathetic to others." Amitai Et-
zioni, "On Transmitting
Values," Educational Leader-
ship, November 1993.
Another cut in the same
thought is stated clearly in Pirke
Avot: "Who is a hero? He who
conquers his desires."
I fear that we, the Jewish
community, have abandoned
delayed gratification as a value
and we have assimilated so well
that we feel no responsibility for
anyone else's child.
Is there a program or a solu-
tion for all of this? First, I think
we must begin the conversation
and piece together the picture.
Then I think we can begin to de-
velop ways to deal with these is-
sues. However, my greatest fear
is that we have carefully craft-
ed a world in which we are quite
certain our children are un-
touched by these realities. El
PHIL JACOBS EDITOR
Sometimes dur-
ing the craziness
of our rush-hour
days, our minds
drift away from
the people we
hold dearest.
How many of
I us have had the
experience of dri-
ving around with a child in the
back seat of the car who is ask-
ing us questions while we're try-
ing to focus on that all-important
radio talk show or sports report?
Sometimes our children ask if
they can sing a song or listen to
a tape. We gladly comply to give
them something to do while
we're working on our own
thoughts. Children tell us about
"Like Hashem, like the genie in
`Aladdin,' like the fairy god-
mother in 'Cinderella.' "
Parents, especially those of
young children, hear certain
questions during their parental
careers that they want to make
sure they answer correctly.
Those questions might be very
few in number over the years.
For example, a parental favorite
through the ages is, "How is a
baby made?' (You'll find that this
question is asked every four
years until your child knows for
sure they can answer it better
than you can.) Then there are
other questions such as, "Can I
have an allowance?" "Can I go to
overnight camp?" Some of us run
into difficult questions that are
their days at day care or school;
they really want us to know
what they made to hang on the
refrigerator. Or, there's even the
negative — a fight with a friend,
a scolding from a teacher.
When we don't take our chil-
dren up on their conversations,
then we should not be surprised
when our adolescent replies with
the answer, "nothing much."
The other day, though, a ques-
tion came from the back seat
from our four-year-old that
brought more into conversation
than ABC's and the 14th con-
secutive playing of a "Barney"
tape.
We've all had questions from
that back seat. Anything, from
"Can I watch TV when I get
home?" to "What's for dinner
tonight?" Typically we grunt af-
ter a difficult day at work and
answer in short phrases such as,
"I don't know, we'll see" or my fa-
vorite, "Let's got home and ask
mom."
But this question was differ-
ent especially since it came from
a small child.
It went something like this,
"Daddy, do I have magic?" Not
the kind of question you can plan
to answer with "We'll see."
Instead, the question was an-
swered with a question, "What
do you mean, magic?" As best as
a four-year-old could do, she said,
specifically Jewish such as "Why
can't I date non-Jewish boys?" or
"Why don't we trick or treat on
Halloween?"
"Am I magical?"
It doesn't necessarily take
parental status to qualify any-
one to come up with the obvious
answer here. I know mine had
lots to do with how her smile
made everyone feel better, how
just being with her changed my
day. But we all know those an-
swers. It's important for our chil-
dren, no matter what their age
to hear it again and again and
again. Goodness knows there are
enough losers in the parking lots
of some of our schools telling our
children that their self-images
aren't any better than an LSD
tab or a swallow of hard liquor.
Too many of our children learned
the special "magic" supplied by
the back of an angry parent's
hand or a soul-rattling insult.
Yes, there's a magic. We have
to do a better job of teaching it to
our children so they know they
have it for sure. It's not going to
come out of an animated lamp
via your VCR either. Turn off the
car radio, turn around when you
can and blow a kiss. When they
blow the kiss back, it doesn't
matter if they are four or 14, you
know and they know they've got
it.
The magic that is. ❑